South Park Quotes
Kyle: This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatevah--I do what I want!
TV Show: South Park
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first group will be lead by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm incredibly Black Obese Man.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.
Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm incredibly Black Obese Man.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: I've got to get back to my family.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.
TV Show: South Park
Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.
TV Show: South Park
Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]
Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.
Cartman: Whatevah, I'll crap in Maury's pants!
Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.
Cartman: Whatevah, I'll crap in Maury's pants!
TV Show: South Park
Vanessa: [after being booed by the audience] Whateva! Whateva! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatevah, I do what I want!
TV Show: South Park
Vanessa: You ain't bad, you ain't nuthin'! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatevah, I do what I want!
Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatevah, I do what I want!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatevah, I do what I want!
Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!
Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!
TV Show: South Park
[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan: Cartman, wake up!
Cartman: : What the hell are you guys doing?
Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
Cartman: Where're we going?
Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows, fat-ass.
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
Cartman: So...
Stan: We can't let them die, douchebag. You're our friend.
Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible playset!
Stan: Yes we do!
Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
Kyle: No!
Stan: Just do it, dude.
Cartman: [farts in Kyle's face] Ahahahahaha!
Kyle: Sick, dude! I felt it on my face!
Stan: Now will you help us?
Cartman: Ha, screw that. I'm not going.
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan: Cartman, wake up!
Cartman: : What the hell are you guys doing?
Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
Cartman: Where're we going?
Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows, fat-ass.
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
Cartman: So...
Stan: We can't let them die, douchebag. You're our friend.
Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible playset!
Stan: Yes we do!
Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
Kyle: No!
Stan: Just do it, dude.
Cartman: [farts in Kyle's face] Ahahahahaha!
Kyle: Sick, dude! I felt it on my face!
Stan: Now will you help us?
Cartman: Ha, screw that. I'm not going.
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!
Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!
TV Show: South Park
[Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!
Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!
Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
TV Show: South Park
[The phone rings; Cartman picks up]
Cartman: Mike.
Mike: How we doing?
Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
Cartman: Oh Mike, you're breaking my balls!
Cartman: Mike.
Mike: How we doing?
Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
Cartman: Oh Mike, you're breaking my balls!
TV Show: South Park
FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.
FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!
Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.
FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!
Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!
TV Show: South Park
Doctor: You see these sores are all tiny vaginas. If he had stopped eating meat completely, he would've turned into one giant pussy.
TV Show: South Park
Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
Cartman: Butters will give handjobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.
Cartman: Butters will give handjobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle: Uh, why not?!
Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, goddammit, you better be kidding!
Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.
Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle: Uh, why not?!
Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, goddammit, you better be kidding!
Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.
TV Show: South Park
Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!
TV Show: South Park
Russell Crowe: My fightin's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! [beats up the editor]
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'm afraid we gonna have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Kyle: Lame.
Cartman: Lame, yes.
Butters: But I can get better!
Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle: But we certainly wanna thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
Kyle: Lame.
Cartman: Lame, yes.
Butters: But I can get better!
Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle: But we certainly wanna thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
TV Show: South Park
Towelie: [high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
TV Show: South Park
Pip: Can I have some tea, please?
Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!
Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan: Oh.
Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan: Oh.
TV Show: South Park