South Park Quotes
[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]
Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!
Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
Kyle: Yeah, quick!
Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should--
Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.
Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!
Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!
Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
Kyle: Yeah, quick!
Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should--
Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.
Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!
TV Show: South Park
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall? That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person rike all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreary srow, just rike the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!
TV Show: South Park
Tuong Lu Kim: When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick ahright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-wo-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
TV Show: South Park
News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.
TV Show: South Park
the boys are reading the condom instructions]
Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]
Kyle: What are studses?
Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little donut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
Butters: How come I gotta go first?
Cartman: Butters, will you stop fuh-...filibustering?
Butters: Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Ohh, it's all sticky.
Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Ohh, I see. [Cartman looks over]
Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Suuuure...
Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
Butters: [fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh...oww! Okay...ow! There...okay, I think it's on.
Stan: How do you feel?
Butters: ...Pretty good.
Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's gettin' in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. And somebody's gotta help Timmy get his condom on.
Timmy: TIMMMEH!
Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]
Kyle: What are studses?
Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little donut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
Butters: How come I gotta go first?
Cartman: Butters, will you stop fuh-...filibustering?
Butters: Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Ohh, it's all sticky.
Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Ohh, I see. [Cartman looks over]
Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Suuuure...
Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
Butters: [fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh...oww! Okay...ow! There...okay, I think it's on.
Stan: How do you feel?
Butters: ...Pretty good.
Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's gettin' in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. And somebody's gotta help Timmy get his condom on.
Timmy: TIMMMEH!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.
TV Show: South Park
Stan's Afghan counterpart: [to the other counterparts] We're speaking in English; does that make sense?
TV Show: South Park
CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: Stan, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?
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Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about [checks his watch] eight weeks now?
TV Show: South Park
[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]
Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's aboot time we get back to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's aboot time we get back to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
TV Show: South Park
Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.
TV Show: South Park
Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the road?
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
TV Show: South Park
[Kyle 2 is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]
Ms. Choksondik: Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Kyle 2: Cartman!
Ms. Choksondik: Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Kyle 2: Cartman!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle 2: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!
TV Show: South Park
Will Smith Jr: ...and P-Diddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Poppa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.
TV Show: South Park
Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids? They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns And cut-up hot dogs for lunch It's not my fault my parents succeed so much There's no one in town I can relate to I play with autographed baseball bats While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones Has a boy ever felt so alone? Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down Please, God, send more rich kids… To my…town I don't fit in anywhere.
TV Show: South Park