Roseanne Quotes
Roseanne: Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more..fit in.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Roseanne: Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
Kathy: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.
Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.
Kathy: You're a sick woman, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets...bowling leagues...bingo...double coupon week... Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Roseanne: Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
Kathy: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.
Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.
Kathy: You're a sick woman, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets...bowling leagues...bingo...double coupon week... Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?
Crystal: You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.
Jackie: We still look like the Judds from Hell.
[Later]
Anne Marie: I can't believe you both came as Cher.
Crystal: You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.
Jackie: We still look like the Judds from Hell.
[Later]
Anne Marie: I can't believe you both came as Cher.
TV Show: Roseanne
Chuckie: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't be Halloween unless the Conners overdid it, so without further ado...
Roseanne: [from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.
Chuckie: Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."
Roseanne: [from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.
Chuckie: Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."
TV Show: Roseanne
Jerry: [talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.
Dan: Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
Jerry: [chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.
Dan: Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
Jerry: [chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
Bonnie: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.
Bonnie: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Can I help you?
Customer: Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Roseanne: Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
Customer: Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Roseanne: Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.
Darlene: Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.
Becky: Are you kidding? You're begging for it. "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then do something about it, you little wimp!
Darlene: Shut up Becky. You don't know what you're talking about.
Becky: Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basket case whose milking this depression things for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.
Darlene: Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.
Becky: Are you kidding? You're begging for it. "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then do something about it, you little wimp!
Darlene: Shut up Becky. You don't know what you're talking about.
Becky: Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basket case whose milking this depression things for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.
Jackie: Oh, come on.
Roseanne: It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.
Jackie: Cathy didn't.
Roseanne: I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked
Jackie: Oh, come on.
Roseanne: It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.
Jackie: Cathy didn't.
Roseanne: I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked
TV Show: Roseanne
Nana Mary: Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.
Dan: Not gettin' fresh with? ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!
Dan: Not gettin' fresh with? ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!
TV Show: Roseanne
(Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)
Becky: God, I hate my life!
Dan: Tough day, honey?
Becky: My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
Dan: (still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
Becky: And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
Dan: Sorry, sweetheart.
Becky: And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
Dan: (continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.
Becky: God, I hate my life!
Dan: Tough day, honey?
Becky: My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
Dan: (still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
Becky: And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
Dan: Sorry, sweetheart.
Becky: And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
Dan: (continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.
TV Show: Roseanne
(Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)
Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
Becky: I changed him five times already.
Darlene: Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.
Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
Becky: I changed him five times already.
Darlene: Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B1, B6, B12. I turned around and she was gone.
TV Show: Roseanne
Duke: Any of you ladies have a request?
Bonnie: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
Duke: I don't know that one!
Bonnie: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
Duke: I don't know that one!
TV Show: Roseanne
Kevin Healy: (meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control. (This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Becky: ? Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.
[Roseanne laughs from the other room]
Becky: Mother!
Roseanne: Well it was funny, Becky.
Becky: ? Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.
[Roseanne laughs from the other room]
Becky: Mother!
Roseanne: Well it was funny, Becky.
TV Show: Roseanne
[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]
Roseanne: What sick Nazi man thought this up?
Roseanne: What sick Nazi man thought this up?
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.
Roseanne: No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?
Roseanne: No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Darlene: Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Darlene: Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!
TV Show: Roseanne
Bonnie: Who was that?
Roseanne: That was my lovely neighbor.
Bonnie: Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?
Roseanne: Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.
Roseanne: That was my lovely neighbor.
Bonnie: Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?
Roseanne: Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.
Todd: She does not!
D.J.: She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.
Todd: She does not!
D.J.: She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Hey Beck, where's Darlene?
Becky: Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
Dan: She go home?
Becky: Not yet!
(Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)
Darlene: Shut up.
Dan: Why, Darlene! You look--
Darlene: Shut up.
Jackie: Oh, come on! It's not so--
Darlene: SHUT UP!!
Becky: Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
Dan: She go home?
Becky: Not yet!
(Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)
Darlene: Shut up.
Dan: Why, Darlene! You look--
Darlene: Shut up.
Jackie: Oh, come on! It's not so--
Darlene: SHUT UP!!
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: I can handle this.
Becky: You can't take her, Darlene.
Darlene: I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.
D.J.: Okay, just stay down.
Darlene: You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?
Dan: Coming.
Darlene: Watch.
Dan: Yeah, Darlene.
Darlene: Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.
Dan: Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.
Becky: You're dead, Darlene.
Darlene: Oh, man.
Dan: Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.
Becky: You can't take her, Darlene.
Darlene: I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.
D.J.: Okay, just stay down.
Darlene: You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?
Dan: Coming.
Darlene: Watch.
Dan: Yeah, Darlene.
Darlene: Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.
Dan: Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.
Becky: You're dead, Darlene.
Darlene: Oh, man.
Dan: Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.
TV Show: Roseanne
Arlene (Jackie's therapist): Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?
Dan: I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?
Roseanne: You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
Dan: It's your name!
Roseanne: It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!
Dan: I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.
Roseanne: Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.
Becky: Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?
Jackie: Thank you, Becky.
Becky: Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.
Roseanne: When are you gonna get over him?
Jackie: I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!
Darlene: [weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.
Dan: I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?
Roseanne: You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
Dan: It's your name!
Roseanne: It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!
Dan: I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.
Roseanne: Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.
Becky: Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?
Jackie: Thank you, Becky.
Becky: Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.
Roseanne: When are you gonna get over him?
Jackie: I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!
Darlene: [weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.
TV Show: Roseanne