Roseanne Quotes

Roseanne: I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
Jackie: Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.

TV Show: Roseanne
Crystal: You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.
Roseanne: Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

TV Show: Roseanne
Customer: Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]
Roseanne: Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.

TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: We've gotta go on a diet.
Dan: What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Aw, face it. You're both tanks.
Roseanne: Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Darlene: Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.
Roseanne: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Dan: Me too!
Darlene: Twenty pounds?
Roseanne: Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.
Dan: Me too!

TV Show: Roseanne
[Becky, Darlene and Roseanne are going through bridal magazines]
Becky: Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?
Dan: I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.

TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.
Darlene: What, you just leave them there?
Jackie: Some cops do, I don't.

TV Show: Roseanne
[Dan and Becky are at the mall]
Becky: Thanks for, you know, coming.
[they hug]
Becky: I love you.
Dan: Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.

TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: So, who are these guys?
Becky: The Splitting Headaches!
Dan: And what's the name of this song?
Darlene: Pounding!
Dan: So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Gone with? the Wind was a book?

TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: You did forget, I can't believe it!
Dan: [to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
Roseanne: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
Jackie: How did you manage that?
Roseanne: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?
Roseanne: We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: [outlining her "conditions" for Roseanne bringing a new baby into the house] Okay, say I brought a puppy into this house. It would be my puppy and I would have to take care of it, right?
Roseanne: Well, I just don't think you're gonna have that much time to take care of a puppy, what with all the work you're gonna be doin' with the new baby and all.
Darlene: You just don't get this, do you?
Roseanne: [glares at Darlene]
Darlene: ...Yeah, you do. I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---
Roseanne: [putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.
Darlene: Well, yeah.
Roseanne: [takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.

TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: Darlene says I'm a prevert.
Roseanne: No, you're not a prevert, DJ, you're a pervert.

TV Show: Roseanne
Arnie: Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...
Roseanne: What, you got sisters too?
Arnie: I wish!

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.
Becky: You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.
Darlene: Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: There's the rhythm method.
Becky: Does that work?
Roseanne: Ask your brother.

TV Show: Roseanne
[Roseanne is having a talk with Becky about birth control]
Becky: But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?
Roseanne: Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

TV Show: Roseanne
[Darlene kisses Brian]
Brian: What was that for?
Darlene: For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.
Brian: Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Did you get felt? up?
Becky: No.
Darlene: Huh! I did.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: (on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love too. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.
Roseanne: Darlene, what are you doing?
Darlene: Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.
Roseanne: Oh, OK.
Becky: Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Darlene: [as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7: 30, don't dress.
Becky: You're dead!
Roseanne: Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?
Dan: Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?
Roseanne: Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?
Becky: He's doing something really weird.
Roseanne: Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!
Darlene: Real different.
(Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)
Roseanne: Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.
Becky: Mother! These are my old dolls!
Dan: Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he?
(Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies)
Dan: That's a relief.

TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Roseanne: Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Jackie: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Mom!
D.J.: Mom!
Roseanne: What?
Dan: Darlene's says everything DJ says a second before he says it.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: [Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
Roseanne: No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Hey Mark, two plus two?
Mark: What?
Darlene: Yeah, I thought so.

TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Do I have to spell it out? P-M-S!

TV Show: Roseanne