QI Quotes
[The number of British people killed by lightning each year]
Stephen Fry: It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.
Alan Davies: Four or five.
Stephen Fry: It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.
Alan Davies: Four or five.
TV Show: QI
["What were cornflakes originally used for?"]
Johnny Vegas: It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …
[The audience begins to laugh.]
Stephen Fry: Johnny Vegas, take some points!
Johnny Vegas: You're jokin'!
[The whole studio roars with laughter. It's revealed that Will Keith Kellogg was a Seventh Day Adventist, and originally made Corn Flakes in an attempt to inhibit masturbation.]
Johnny Vegas: It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …
[The audience begins to laugh.]
Stephen Fry: Johnny Vegas, take some points!
Johnny Vegas: You're jokin'!
[The whole studio roars with laughter. It's revealed that Will Keith Kellogg was a Seventh Day Adventist, and originally made Corn Flakes in an attempt to inhibit masturbation.]
TV Show: QI
[After hearing that eating nothing but rabbit will eventually kill you]
Johnny Vegas: My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.
[The audience is stunned.]
Stephen Fry: Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.
Johnny Vegas: My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.
[The audience is stunned.]
Stephen Fry: Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies … and I use the word "works" quite wrongly.
TV Show: QI
[About the first words spoken from the surface of the moon]
Bill Bailey: Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'
Rich Hall: Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.
Bill Bailey: Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'
Rich Hall: Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!
Phill Jupitus: I have an erection.
Phill Jupitus: I have an erection.
TV Show: QI
[Clive Anderson's buzzer is(Everything I Do) I Do It for Youby Bryan Adams.]
Stephen Fry: Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
Stephen Fry: Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?
Clive Anderson: Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …
Clive Anderson: Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What would you find in the middle of a pearl??
Alan Davies: An oyster
Jeremy Clarkson: [Whilst audience are laughing] No
Stephen Fry: [Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!
Alan Davies: An oyster
Jeremy Clarkson: [Whilst audience are laughing] No
Stephen Fry: [Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!
TV Show: QI
Jo Brand: There's a great story about Conan Doyle, actually. One day, just for a joke, he wrote a note saying, We are discovered. Flee immediately, and he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do. And one of them disappeared.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: There was a time when all the elevator cables were sheared off in the Empire State Building. Do you know about this story?
Clive Anderson: Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.
Clive Anderson: Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.
TV Show: QI
David Mitchell: [on the myth about the Brace position preserving dental records] I've heard that and frankly, I don't know why they don't just tell people. "In the unlikely event of the plane crashing, I think we can all agree, you'd like to be identified. Bite down as hard as you can on your own armrest."
TV Show: QI
David Mitchell: Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks, it may be a lion.
TV Show: QI
Jimmy Carr: It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife... I mean, it's your wife- it's like keying your own car!
David Mitchell: Society just got a tiny bit worse...
Jimmy Carr: I like to think I can help.
David Mitchell: Society just got a tiny bit worse...
Jimmy Carr: I like to think I can help.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Well, bless him, when he arrived—I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but I've just said "bless him," so there's no way out—
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: I took my nephews to London Zoo, because a friend of ours is a zookeeper there, and she can get you in sort of the back. And we went in to see a lion, and they said, "There's some mesh—there's big mesh and small mesh. You must stay on the side where the big mesh is. Don't go near the small mesh. Stay where the big mesh is. Do you understand?" And the kids went—[nods nervously] And we just went in, and my nephew turned to me and said, "What's mesh?"
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: So that's the Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, the Bang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and, of course, the Pongo.
Sean Lock: Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?
Sean Lock: Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.
Stephen Fry: Oh, did you?
Alan Davies: Yeah, you could always see him coming.
Stephen Fry: Oh, did you?
Alan Davies: Yeah, you could always see him coming.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What is pink, has pendulous breasts, gets sailors all excited and tastes of prime beef? [as Jimmy rings in] Yes?
Jimmy Carr: Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?
Jimmy Carr: Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?
TV Show: QI
[Which island did Britain's fourth Antarctic expedition get stranded on in 1916?]
Jimmy Carr: Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …
Stephen Fry: Lord of the Undone Flies.
Jimmy Carr: Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …
Stephen Fry: Lord of the Undone Flies.
TV Show: QI
[About why Germans like Mr. Bean]
Bill Bailey: There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"
Alan Davies: "Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"
Bill Bailey: "Sometimes I stay up very late!"
Bill Bailey: There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"
Alan Davies: "Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"
Bill Bailey: "Sometimes I stay up very late!"
TV Show: QI
[How to keep your children from peeking at their Christmas presents]
Alan Davies: Blind them.
Alan Davies: Blind them.
TV Show: QI
Phill Jupitus: [stuffing his face with spaghetti] Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is …[Stephen flubs the line, causing the panellists to rib him mercilessly for the next 3-4 minutes as he tries to nail it for the recording - he eventually manages to force out to great applause: ]… there are no straight lines!
Jimmy Carr: Do they? [sigh]
Alan Davies: Whatever …
Jimmy Carr: Do they? [sigh]
Alan Davies: Whatever …
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What's the most famous line from a Tarzan film?
Ronni Ancona: Oh, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."
Stephen Fry: Yes, except of course it never happened.
Ronni Ancona: What?!
David Mitchell: Why do these films always forget to put their most famous lines in?
Ronni Ancona: Oh, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."
Stephen Fry: Yes, except of course it never happened.
Ronni Ancona: What?!
David Mitchell: Why do these films always forget to put their most famous lines in?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: How has the Eurovision Song Contest made Europe a better place?
Terry Wogan: How has it made it a better place? Because it has, as you can see, the dove, it has brought together the nations of Europe-
Stephen Fry: Has it arse, it's divided East from West.
Terry Wogan: How has it made it a better place? Because it has, as you can see, the dove, it has brought together the nations of Europe-
Stephen Fry: Has it arse, it's divided East from West.
TV Show: QI
[On Bertrand Russell's proof that 1 + 1 = 2]
David Mitchell: A bit late for 21st century, I say. You have a lot riding on 1 + 1 = 2, quite a lot of building going on, an international economy. What happens if you find out 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2 what do we do? Just burn everything, God knows anything can fall on your head. Money? You might as well eat it. Just forget civilization.
David Mitchell: A bit late for 21st century, I say. You have a lot riding on 1 + 1 = 2, quite a lot of building going on, an international economy. What happens if you find out 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2 what do we do? Just burn everything, God knows anything can fall on your head. Money? You might as well eat it. Just forget civilization.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What happened to the fireman's pole?
Rob Brydon: He tiled the fireman's bathroom.
Rob Brydon: He tiled the fireman's bathroom.
TV Show: QI
Rob Brydon: I'm from the same town as Richard BurtonandAnthony Hopkins.
Stephen Fry: And Michael Sheen.
Rob Brydon: And Michael Sheen, of course. In fact, my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins.
Stephen Fry: Yeah … In England we live in houses.
Stephen Fry: And Michael Sheen.
Rob Brydon: And Michael Sheen, of course. In fact, my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins.
Stephen Fry: Yeah … In England we live in houses.
TV Show: QI