QI Quotes
Rich Hall: For five million pounds, I'd want a map that showed me looking at the map I'd just bought.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What is a taffy pull?
Rob Brydon: Is this another dig at my forefathers?
Stephen Fry: You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.
Rob Brydon: Is this another dig at my forefathers?
Stephen Fry: You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: Are all the stars round?
Stephen Fry: I can't answer that. Um, I think probably most-
Alan Davies: Yet you know what people thought five hundred years ago?
Stephen Fry: Do I read books? Yes. Have I visited every star in the universe? No. Is this something you find difficult to understand? [A few moments of silence pass.] You've set me off.
Stephen Fry: I can't answer that. Um, I think probably most-
Alan Davies: Yet you know what people thought five hundred years ago?
Stephen Fry: Do I read books? Yes. Have I visited every star in the universe? No. Is this something you find difficult to understand? [A few moments of silence pass.] You've set me off.
TV Show: QI
Doon Mackichan: I'd quite like to be, sort of … a minute … old. After the smack and everything's washed off, you're straight on the tit, you've got entertainment, you've got sleep and you can cry all the time without anyone thinking you're weird.
TV Show: QI
[Guessing the contents of the Queen's handbag]
Doon Mackichan: The Little Book of Calm … and mace spray.
Doon Mackichan: The Little Book of Calm … and mace spray.
TV Show: QI
[Rory has been displaying his knowledge of the periodic table.]
Rory McGrath: Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.
Stephen Fry: Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.
Rory McGrath: Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.
Stephen Fry: Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: (sing-song, about 10 Downing Street) There's always someone in there!
Jimmy Carr: Well why did you sing that?! It was a little bit scary! There's always someone in there!
Stephen Fry: I wanted to frighten you.
Jimmy Carr: I am frightened. I think someone might be under the desk!
Jimmy Carr: Well why did you sing that?! It was a little bit scary! There's always someone in there!
Stephen Fry: I wanted to frighten you.
Jimmy Carr: I am frightened. I think someone might be under the desk!
TV Show: QI
[About Mr. Chicken, the last private resident of 10 Downing Street]
Stephen Fry: Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.
Jimmy Carr: He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.
Rory McGrath: I think he also played the tenor banjo.
Sean Lock: He had eleven knuckles!
Alan Davies: And, in fact, was actually a chicken.
Stephen Fry: [exasperated] So, the most biographed man in the 18th century...
Stephen Fry: Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.
Jimmy Carr: He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.
Rory McGrath: I think he also played the tenor banjo.
Sean Lock: He had eleven knuckles!
Alan Davies: And, in fact, was actually a chicken.
Stephen Fry: [exasperated] So, the most biographed man in the 18th century...
TV Show: QI
[Jeremy Clarkson holds up a sign saying "I like Stephen".]
Stephen Fry: It's like having your own little performing donkeys.
Stephen Fry: It's like having your own little performing donkeys.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: In 1900 there was a sport where Britain won a gold medal, in which the only other country that competed was France. Can you imagine what that might have been?
John Sessions: Arrogance?
John Sessions: Arrogance?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?
Jo Brand: Is it a fireside rug you can have a good hump on?
Sean Lock: You get sacked from the zoo?
Jo Brand: Is it a fireside rug you can have a good hump on?
Sean Lock: You get sacked from the zoo?
TV Show: QI
[On how the ancient armies caught elephants]
Rich Hall: Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no … no circus coming through town …
Rich Hall: Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no … no circus coming through town …
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: So, the question is, how does the U.S. government look after its sequoia groves?
Bill Bailey: Er … lions … and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas …
Alan Davies: Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the sequoia?
Bill Bailey: Er … lions … and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas …
Alan Davies: Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the sequoia?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Why shouldn't I strip Alan naked and cover him in gold paint?
Phill Jupitus: You win your Oscar properly like everybody else!
Phill Jupitus: You win your Oscar properly like everybody else!
TV Show: QI
Sean Lock: I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Loofah" kit.
Stephen Fry: God bless her!
Sean Lock: It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.
Stephen Fry: God bless her!
Sean Lock: It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.
TV Show: QI
Jeremy Clarkson: D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?
Stephen Fry: With grated puffin?
Jeremy Clarkson: I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.
Sean Lock: I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly" …
Stephen Fry: With grated puffin?
Jeremy Clarkson: I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.
Sean Lock: I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly" …
TV Show: QI
[On fortune cookies]
Phill Jupitus: I wish they'd be a bit more honest—I mean, snap, "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is on the way"!
Phill Jupitus: I wish they'd be a bit more honest—I mean, snap, "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is on the way"!
TV Show: QI
[After Alan has related a tale of him being a member of the pub quiz team]
Phill Jupitus: Wouldn't it be great if you walked into a pub with him, though … [points at Stephen] … with Fry on your team? "Yeah, this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And Fry would be there having to fake it in the pub—"Oh, blimey!"
Bill Bailey: Giving it away by swearing in Latin!
Phill Jupitus: Wouldn't it be great if you walked into a pub with him, though … [points at Stephen] … with Fry on your team? "Yeah, this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And Fry would be there having to fake it in the pub—"Oh, blimey!"
Bill Bailey: Giving it away by swearing in Latin!
TV Show: QI
Bill Bailey: I saw a goat up a tree in Morocco. They go right up the top! I couldn't believe it, I thought it was somebody in the pub having me on, but no …
Stephen Fry: And they go into the tree, not a goathanger?
Stephen Fry: And they go into the tree, not a goathanger?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What does a pair of pygmy chimpanzees do when they see a box?
Helen Atkinson-Wood: Wear children's clothes and have a tea party.
Helen Atkinson-Wood: Wear children's clothes and have a tea party.
TV Show: QI
[On opening champagne bottles the correct way]
John Sessions: I was always taught to do that. You actually twist it …
Stephen Fry: Yeah, twist, exactly. That's it.
Mark Steel: Where do you get taught these things?
Stephen Fry: Well, where did you go to school, Mark Steel?
Mark Steel: I went to Swanley Comprehensive, and that was every Tuesday morning we did Double Champagne Opening!
John Sessions: I was always taught to do that. You actually twist it …
Stephen Fry: Yeah, twist, exactly. That's it.
Mark Steel: Where do you get taught these things?
Stephen Fry: Well, where did you go to school, Mark Steel?
Mark Steel: I went to Swanley Comprehensive, and that was every Tuesday morning we did Double Champagne Opening!
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: This was at a party given by their graces the Duke and Duchess of Westminster—
[Whistles go off and the words "Luvvie Alarm" flash on the screen.]
Stephen Fry: Oh, no! Come on! No! No! Fair dos! No!
Clive Anderson: The richest man in the country apart from Roman Abramovich.
Stephen Fry: I never penetrated his intimate circle, but …
[Whistles go off and the words "Luvvie Alarm" flash on the screen.]
Stephen Fry: Oh, no! Come on! No! No! Fair dos! No!
Clive Anderson: The richest man in the country apart from Roman Abramovich.
Stephen Fry: I never penetrated his intimate circle, but …
TV Show: QI
[On the subject of cockfighting]
Stephen Fry: [reading from a card] It says here a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.
[The audience laughs and Clive murmurs in agreement.]
Phill Jupitus: You're watching QI for the Straight Guy!
Stephen Fry: [reading from a card] It says here a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.
[The audience laughs and Clive murmurs in agreement.]
Phill Jupitus: You're watching QI for the Straight Guy!
TV Show: QI
[On the original story of Cinderella]
Stephen Fry: The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.
Jo Brand: They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.
Stephen Fry: The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.
Jo Brand: They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.
TV Show: QI
[On what happened to the crew of the RMS Titanic]
Stephen Fry: Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking. The moment a ship sinks, it is not a ship, therefore you can't work on it, therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking.
Phill Jupitus: I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.
Stephen Fry: Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking. The moment a ship sinks, it is not a ship, therefore you can't work on it, therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking.
Phill Jupitus: I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.
TV Show: QI
[On the Titanic]
Phil Jupitus: Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true, because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [chuckling] I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".
Phil Jupitus: [posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"
Phil Jupitus: Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true, because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [chuckling] I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".
Phil Jupitus: [posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"
TV Show: QI
[On the novel The DaVinci Code]
Stephen Fry: "... and I use the word books very losely, like The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind."
Stephen Fry: "... and I use the word books very losely, like The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind."
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.
Jimmy Carr: … What have you got planned for Round Two?
Jimmy Carr: … What have you got planned for Round Two?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.
Jimmy Carr: That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!
Stephen Fry: They were French.
Jimmy Carr: That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!
Stephen Fry: They were French.
TV Show: QI
Arthur Smith: D'you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra? This is a dish in China where you get a cobra—and it's brought to the table alive. They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there—you have to chase it round the plate, I s'pose—and then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.
Clive Anderson: Actually, I ordered the lasagne …
Clive Anderson: Actually, I ordered the lasagne …
TV Show: QI