Daria Quotes

Daria Morgendorffer: ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh.
Daria Morgendorffer: I didn't mean it that way.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...
Daria Morgendorffer: Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I'm sure it was just a one-time...
Daria Morgendorffer: Twice.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.
Daria Morgendorffer: Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria... nobody got killed.
Daria Morgendorffer: No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: What about Tom?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not thinking about Tom! [sighs]
Daria Morgendorffer: You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.
Daria Morgendorffer: Who came up with that stupid arrangement?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's called life.

Movie: Daria
Daria Morgendorffer: [Brittany and Jodie see Daria and Jane in the wedding dress store] Daria?
Brittany Taylor, Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here?
Jane Lane: Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.
Brittany Taylor: They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!
Daria Morgendorffer: A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.
Jodie Abigail Landon: It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.
Jane Lane: I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

Movie: Daria
Daria: A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.
Jane: You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
Daria: That's what I just said.

Movie: Daria
Jane: When they say "you're always unhappy Daria", what they mean is: "You think Daria, I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died and its making me think and that hurts my little head and makes me stop smiling. So tell me how you cope with thinking all the time Daria until I can get back to my normal vegetable state".
Daria: Ok... so then why have you been why have you been avoiding me?
Jane: Cause I've been trying not to think.

Movie: Daria
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [Mr. O'Neill is driving his car with Daria and Jane in back seat] Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane?
Jane: I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: What about you, Daria?
Daria: Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!
Daria: Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

Movie: Daria
Professor: [Daria is daydreaming about her future college life] Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
Daria: I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
Professor: But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
Daria: Well...
Professor: Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
Daria: Oh! Okay.
Professor: Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
Daria: How come, even in my fantasies, everyone's a jerk?

Movie: Daria
This is the first unaired short of Daria, which mainly intended to show MTV executives the look and feel of the show. After Daria forgets to give Kevin back the pencil she borrowed from him, the not-so-sharp QB becomes convinced of her romantic feelings toward him.

TV Show: Daria
Kevin: Let's not play games, Daria. You desire me, don't you?
Daria: Uh, excuse me?
Kevin: I can tell. It's like a fifth sense I got.

TV Show: Daria
Daria: I just got blown off by a guy I didn't even go after.
Jane: You should find a safe, legal alternative to killing him.
Daria: I already have. When I get through with him, there'll be nothing left but jelly.
Jane: Well, you won't have to do anything to his brain.

TV Show: Daria
It's the first day at a new school for Daria and her sister Quinn. While Quinn is immediately accepted by the popular crowd, Daria is targeted for having low self-esteem after she smart-mouths her way through a school mandated psychological exam.

TV Show: Daria
Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
Daria: It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

TV Show: Daria
Mr. DeMartino: Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day, when you've got the Heisman Trophy and a chain of auto-dealerships and I'M saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin?
Kevin: [no trace of irony] Sure!

TV Show: Daria
Jane: I like having low self-esteem, it makes me feel special.

TV Show: Daria
After helping out Brittany with an art class assignment, Daria is invited an upcoming party.

TV Show: Daria
Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

TV Show: Daria
Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
Trent: As long as you don't drop it.

TV Show: Daria
During a visit to Jake and Helen's alma mater, each of the Morgendorffers wander off to experience the realities of college.

TV Show: Daria
Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn: Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?

TV Show: Daria
Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
College Girl: Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: No.
College Girl: Mmm. Okay, thanks. [hands Daria money and leaves]
Daria: Thank you, and good luck with the doctorate.

TV Show: Daria
Mr. O'Neill decides to start a coffee house for Lawndale's youth to interact when the local cybercafé is vandalized. Daria is forced to do a reading there on its opening night when threatened with a summer of music camp.

TV Show: Daria
Jane: No way baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts?
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.

TV Show: Daria
Daria: She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would have killed her.
Jane: She passed out while we were standing there.
Mrs Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?
Daria: No.
Mrs Li: How do you know it wasn't for her family?
Jane: She has no family. She ate them.

TV Show: Daria
Daria is forced to go the region's Mecca of consumerism, the Mall of the Millennium, for her Economics class, only to find Quinn already there against their parents' wishes.

TV Show: Daria
Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.
Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
Jane: Teen spirit?
Daria: Cheap perfume.
Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.

TV Show: Daria
[Jane is in Scissor Wizard barbershop]
Hairdresser: Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have TV Guide if you want to browse.
Jane: Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?
Hairdresser: No.
Daria: How about Animal Maulings on home video?
Jane: Yeah! I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo.
Daria: Really? She looks so everyday.
Jane: I mean after she was molested.
Daria: Oh...

TV Show: Daria
Lawndale High is in an uproar when two talent scouts for the Amazon Modeling Agency, Claude and Romonica, visit the school to recruit potential models from the student body.

TV Show: Daria
Mr. O'Neill: Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to Walden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? [looks at Brittany] Normandy?
Brittany: [angrily] Brittany. He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too.

TV Show: Daria
Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential. [Daria innocently grins]

TV Show: Daria
Daria and Kevin are partnered up for a science project, against the will of Brittany (and Daria, for that matter) who suspects that Daria maybe trying to lure Kevin away from her.

TV Show: Daria
Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! [slams pointer on desk] Just- like- that!
Daria: I wonder why he left.

TV Show: Daria