My Name Is Earl Quotes

Earl: We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Kenny hands in Ralph's typing]
Secretary: This appears to be all the swear words you know.
Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: [drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...
Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Philo: [After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.
Catalina: I'm hot.
Philo: You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.
Randy: Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: [on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Randy throws a chocolate bar at Earl, it lands on the floor. Earl fights Randy for the other bar and it falls out his mouth.]
Earl: Mine's the one in the wrapper.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on Mother's Day?
Catalina: My mother is dead.
Randy: Oh, I'm sorry.
Catalina: Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.
Donny: Maybe they're hiding.
Randy: Marco? Polo!
Joy: Were not in the damn pool, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
Donny: Give me your wife!
Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
Earl: Donny!
Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?
Donny: Yep!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]
Albie: [shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!
Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
Patty: That's a lie!
Prosecutor: Show the tape.
[patrol car dash cam begins to play]
Patty: [on the dash cam] Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?
Defense Attorney: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
Earl: Randy, baloney isn’t your favorite food, animal crackers are.
Randy: No, they’re my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.
Patty: Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: [singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...
Darnell: Randy, those aren't helium balloons.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: What the hell are you doing?
Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.
Joy: My birthday's not till next week!
Darnell: That's the surprise.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Judge Dierkes: Joy Turner.
Joy: [stands up] Yes, your highness?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Woody: People who say "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
Randy: [Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
Earl: [Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to—
[Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
Earl: [squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
Earl: You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
Joy: You stole me a police car?
Earl: Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
Joy: I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
Earl: Shhhh... you had me at balls.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
Joy: I'm not cheating on you!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl