Metalocalypse Quotes
Nathan: What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this - [he holds up a bunch of organs in the shape of a sphere]
Nathan: Yeah, I'm real sick of my brother, yeah we're twins. Anybody got twins out there? Anybody got one like this? Meet Kuato.
Nathan: Yeah, I'm real sick of my brother, yeah we're twins. Anybody got twins out there? Anybody got one like this? Meet Kuato.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Well hey bodybag! How's it going? [impersonating bodybag] Smells like somebody took a crap in here! [normal voice] Ohh, bodybag! Well, look bodybag, it's your old friends Brains! [holds up a brain with flies around it, an elderly person gets ready to vomit][Nathan impersonating brain] Hey idiot! I'm Brains, I go in your head. [The elderly person vomits]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.
Audience Member: HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]
Pickles: Okay, I heard a... gas station.
Murderface: I'm a gas station attendant!
Pickles: [sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-
Audience Member: HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]
Pickles: Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?
Murderface: Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!
Pickles: That's because it's a stool Murderface!
Audience Member: HEY IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]
Pickles: It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...
Murderface: Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!
Pickles: Are you leaving?
Murderface: Yes I'm leaving!
Audience Member: HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]
Pickles: Okay, I heard a... gas station.
Murderface: I'm a gas station attendant!
Pickles: [sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-
Audience Member: HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]
Pickles: Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?
Murderface: Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!
Pickles: That's because it's a stool Murderface!
Audience Member: HEY IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]
Pickles: It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...
Murderface: Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!
Pickles: Are you leaving?
Murderface: Yes I'm leaving!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Cut Kuato? I'll cut Bodybag before I cut Kuato. Kuato stays. Kuato's gold!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Skwisgaar: They laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us.
Toki: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
Skwisgaar: He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
Toki: But you laugh.
Skwisgaar: I did?
Toki: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
Skwisgaar: He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
Toki: But you laugh.
Skwisgaar: I did?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Lorkey the Sailor: Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.
Toki: But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
Lorkey: Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!
Skwisgaar: But I bombed and I hates every thing!
Lorkey: Aye, but do you hate yourself?
Toki: Hate... myself?
Lorkey: Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
Toki: [finally understanding] I hate myself!
Lorkey: Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!
Toki: But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
Lorkey: Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!
Skwisgaar: But I bombed and I hates every thing!
Lorkey: Aye, but do you hate yourself?
Toki: Hate... myself?
Lorkey: Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
Toki: [finally understanding] I hate myself!
Lorkey: Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: Well, I really hate myself.
Toki: Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!
Toki: Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: So, anysways, I just got back from vacation. I went to the beach...for vacation...and...you know what I got at the beach?
Crowd: [no response]
Pickles: SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]
Crowd: [no response]
Pickles: SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Lorkey: [watching Pickles perform] Eh, can't teach 'em no more. [pulls a pistol from his jacket and shoots himself in the head]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: [while performing; shooting a rifle in random directions] Oops, I thought this was the NRA!
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Pickles: [while performing] Any of you dildos wanna fight? What about you grandma? Wanna fight? Wanna awwww... I'm just messing with you!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nick Ibsen: We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?
Nathan Explosion: [suddenly] Because.
Ibsen: Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]
William Murderface: Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh huh... for pancakes.
Ibsen: As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?
William Murderface: Yes I am.
Nathan Explosion: [suddenly] Because.
Ibsen: Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]
William Murderface: Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh huh... for pancakes.
Ibsen: As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?
William Murderface: Yes I am.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Ibsen: Well as I said before, while met with resistance, we have a great surprise in store for you. We, have uncovered something you have desperately been trying to hide. Tonight, you will all be reunited with your families.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're going to pay for this!
Ibsen: Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?
Ibsen: Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Senator Stampingston: From Tomahawk, Wisconsin we have Pickles' parents: Calvert and Molly with older brother Seth, a recently released convict. From Victory Gardens, the premier armed forces retirement community in Florida: Rose and Oscar Explosion. She's the once lovely Miss Sweden 1956, the brave single mother whose neglect helped form the world's fastest guitarist: Serveta Skwigelf. And the curious and rather off-beat grandparents who raised William after the tragic murder-suicide of his parents: Stella and Thunderbolt Murderface.
General Crozier: What's the wagon for?
Senator Stampingston: MASSIVE stroke.
General Crozier: I see...
Senator Stampingston: And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.
General Crozier: What's the wagon for?
Senator Stampingston: MASSIVE stroke.
General Crozier: I see...
Senator Stampingston: And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Skwisgaar: I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Skwisgaar: What, you're not talking to me?
Nathan: I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.
William: It's repugnant. I'd rather be sanded faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.
Pickles the Drummer: I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.
Nathan: Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?
Nathan: I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.
William: It's repugnant. I'd rather be sanded faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.
Pickles the Drummer: I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.
Nathan: Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Rose Explosion: You remember Mrs. Miller, don't you?
Nathan: [hands clamped over his ears] No.
Rose Explosion: Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice-storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.
Nathan: God, Mom, that's brutal.
Rose Explosion: Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.
Nathan: [hands clamped over his ears] No.
Rose Explosion: Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice-storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.
Nathan: God, Mom, that's brutal.
Rose Explosion: Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Stella Murderface: I learned they have these wheelchairs now with computers in them that you can control by blinking, your eyes - and with all your money, William, your grandfather has to sit there in a wagon like a dead cat.
William: Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -
William: Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Seth: So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?
Molly: He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!
Seth: Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]
William: Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!
Nathan: Yeah me too!
Skwisgaar: Yeah that's for sure!
Toki: [catatonically silent]
Molly: He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!
Seth: Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]
William: Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!
Nathan: Yeah me too!
Skwisgaar: Yeah that's for sure!
Toki: [catatonically silent]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: [enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.
Nathan: [enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!
Skwisgaar: This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!
William: Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!
Skwisgaar: She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!
Nathan: The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
William: My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
Pickles: Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!
William: Of course! We have them put to sleep!
Pickles: No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
William: Okay.
Nathan: [enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!
Skwisgaar: This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!
William: Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!
Skwisgaar: She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!
Nathan: The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
William: My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
Pickles: Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!
William: Of course! We have them put to sleep!
Pickles: No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
William: Okay.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Stella Murderface: Oh William, you're going to go to heaven for this!
William Murderface: I’d rather die than go to heaven.
[Thunderbolt's first action in the chair is to drive it backwards through a plate glass window in an attempt to kill himself]
William Murderface: I’d rather die than go to heaven.
[Thunderbolt's first action in the chair is to drive it backwards through a plate glass window in an attempt to kill himself]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Seth: All I'm sayin' is that I did most of the numbers right? [tense music starts] So I did most of the work right? So all I need, is percentage. What I need to get started, get the labeling, you know. Phones. Chicks to answer the phones, desks, all that stuff. [tense music gets louder] Just need a couple bucks. You just sign a check, [holds up a check] see? I already wrote a check. Right there, you just sign. Alright. I know what your PIN number is. That's not a threat. So just - I'm the real deal, okay. I'm no one of those frickin' assholes you meet sometimes. [Pickles putts the golf ball]
Pickles: [tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?
Seth: I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.
Pickles: [tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?
Seth: I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
William: Sorry! Sorry! I just... It's my fault! I can't stand to see her chew, I just locked in on it! My fault! Sorry!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -
Skwisgaar: Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?
Nathan: Toki hasn't said one word!
Toki: [still catatonically silent]
William: Maybe they died in their sleep.
Seth: [approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?
Pickles: Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?
Seth: Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.
Nathan: The studio?
Skwisgaar: Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?
Nathan: Toki hasn't said one word!
Toki: [still catatonically silent]
William: Maybe they died in their sleep.
Seth: [approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?
Pickles: Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?
Seth: Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.
Nathan: The studio?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: Oh come on, screw that Internet crap, I mean come on, what is the Internet, you know? Seriously... what is the Internet?
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Ofdensen: Your money's waaaay down there. Behind that door, 'ya see it? Hey, 'ya better hurry up, closing time's in two minutes. I'd serpentine if I were you.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Seth: We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!
Pickles: For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!
Seth: [still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!
Pickles: The hell you talkin' about?!
Nathan: We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?
William: Yeah!
Seth: Help me!
Skwisgaar: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
Pickles: For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!
Seth: [still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!
Pickles: The hell you talkin' about?!
Nathan: We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?
William: Yeah!
Seth: Help me!
Skwisgaar: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
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Pickles: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]
William: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]
William: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
Servetta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!
Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]
William: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]
William: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
Servetta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!
TV Show: Metalocalypse