Married with Children Quotes
Carlos: Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.
Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?
Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.
Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: When did you leave?
Peg: Yesterday.
Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.
Peg: Yesterday.
Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Darcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?
Jefferson: Yes.
Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.
Jefferson: Yes.
Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Marcy, me and that dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: What do you think?
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Woman: Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.
Al: So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.
Woman: Well, I have just about had enough of you.
Al: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.
Al: So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.
Woman: Well, I have just about had enough of you.
Al: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Peggy, Kelly, as your civil defense block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.
Kelly: So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?
Kelly: So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
Peg: What's it look like?
Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.
Peg: What's it look like?
Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?
Al: Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.
Al: Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Sketch Artist: So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?
Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.
Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Officer Dan: Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.
Al: Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.
Peg: That's what he said on our honeymoon.
Al: Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.
Peg: That's what he said on our honeymoon.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Jefferson: Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it — the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?
Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.
Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
Al: When you're on life support.
Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
Al: When you're on life support.
TV Show: Married... with Children