House Quotes

Wilson: [to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.
House: She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

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Wilson [when he sees Cuddy]: Medusa at 6: 00!

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House: Martha M. Masters. I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.

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House: Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
Dr. Foreman: I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.

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Dr. Cuddy: What is that smell? Is it onions? Peppers? Oh, I know... it's a sausagefest.
House: Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree.

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Dr. Cuddy: You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300
House: That's also true of five morons.

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House: How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
Dr. Cuddy: Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.
House: Never mind, then.

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House: E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider... pork cider! I need the number of the patent office.

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House [to Masters]: Say something brilliant.
Masters: Oh, I, I don't...
House: Capital of Azerbaijian?
Masters: Baku.
House: Year Beethoven died?
Masters: 1827.
House: Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?
Masters: Six. (giggles) It's my favorite constant.
House: She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

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House: [to Taub] Trying to catch your wife cheating?
Taub: Oh… Why would you say that?
House: Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up your theory. And Chase told me. Go. Find your mojo.

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House [to Cuddy]: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Cuddy: Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

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Masters: Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.
House: Scrofulicous. That's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s.

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Chase [to House]: You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
House: Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.

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Taub: The virus can't survive over 200 years.
House: You have.

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Masters: Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
House: So were hush puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?

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House: Why aren't you guys in my office?
Foreman: Why are you in the building? It's 8: 00 in the morning.
House: Where's Chase?
Taub: He's not here because it's 8: 00 in the morning.

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Masters [to House]: You don't trust me.
House: Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

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Masters: Julie doesn't have smallpox.
House: Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

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Masters: So I guess honesty is the best policy.
House: Why'd you say that? Seriously... to establish your viewpoint as if I didn't already know it. Or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?
Masters: Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.
House: Oh.

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House: Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business.

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House: Are you a Stepford doctor?

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Chase: Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
House: [gesture with his hand] Those are not the droids you are looking for.

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House: So who do we believe: CDC or Dr. 90210?

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House [to Cuddy]: What you got against chickens? One got choked last night, thanks to you.

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Marisa: You don't believe in God?
House: I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.

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Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother, and they've been happily married for 32 years.
Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model. Sorry. That didn't come out right.

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[While Chase and Masters are at their patient, Ramon's apartment; Chase is trying to pick the door lock]
Chase [to Masters]: You're okay with burglary now?
Masters: I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the patient is going to hide something, but our patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything.

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Masters: I guess worry is good for the waistline.

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House: Classic Neurohecatia. [to Ramon] Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.
Ramon: Really?
House: No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.
Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations.
House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

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Ramon: Faith is not a disease.
House: No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.

TV Show: House