Firefly Quotes

[Back in the near-present day, Mal gets the drop on the treacherous captain trying to take his ship after being shot.]
Captain: You woulda done the same.
Mal: We can already see I haven't. Now get the hell off my ship.

TV Show: Firefly
[Back in the present day, with Serenity fixed, Mal finds himself dazed in the company of his crew and passengers.]
Zoe: Welcome back, sir.
Mal: I go someplace?
Shepherd Book: Very nearly.
Inara: We thought we lost you.
Mal: No, I've been right here.
Mal: Wash, you okay?
Wash: [a little buzzed from giving blood] Yeah, Mal, I'm fine.
Mal: You got a thing in your arm.
Wash: [smiling] Yeah.
Simon: Try not to speak. You're heavily medicated and you lost a lot of blood.
[Mal groans]
. . .
Simon: All right, I have to insist the Captain needs to rest.
Mal: Yeah. Think the doc might not be wrong about that one. Just gonna need a few.... [trails off as he closes his eyes]
[Mal then jerks himself awake.]
Mal: Y'all gonna be here when I wake up?
Book: We'll be here.
Mal: Good. That's good.
[As Mal falls asleep, he experiences another flashback to a used spaceship yard.]
Salesman: Yep. Real beauty, ain't she? Yes, sir. Right smart purchase, this vessel.
[The rocket-shaped vessel that the salesman is trying to sell Mal comes into view.]
Salesman: I tell you what. You buy this ship, treat her proper - she'll be with you for the rest of your life.
[But Mal has his attention caught by something else.]
Salesman: Son? Hey, son!
[As we follow Mal's point of view, we see a battered old Firefly, soon to become "Serenity", sitting on the other side of the lot.]
Salesman: You hear a word I been sayin'?

TV Show: Firefly
[The crew talks about their upcoming visit to core planet Ariel while they eat.]
Simon: River you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like—
[Takes bite of food.]
Simon: It's good.
Jayne: It smells like crotch.
Kaylee: Jayne!
Jayne: Well, it does.

TV Show: Firefly
Wash: [to Inara] Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?
Inara: Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the core.
Wash: But... not boring, like she made it sound.

TV Show: Firefly
Mal: No one is setting foot on that fancy rock. I don't want anyone leaving the ship. Come to think of it, I don't want anyone looking out the windows or talking aloud.
Jayne: What's the point of coming to the core if I can't even step off the boat?
Mal: You could have got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could've been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now.
Jayne: Well, it beats just sittin'.
Wash: It is just sitting.

TV Show: Firefly
Wash: Big stop just to renew your license to Companion. Can I use "Companion" as a verb?

TV Show: Firefly
[Jayne hocks some spit to help sharpen his knife.]
Simon: Could you not do that while we're… ever?
[Jayne spits again.]
Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That's awful! Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey!
[Unobserved by anyone, River pulls a huge carving knife out of the kitchen rack.]
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excludin' people. [grins] That'd be rude.
[Suddenly, River slashes Jayne in the chest.]
. . .
River: He looks better in red.

TV Show: Firefly
[Coached by Simon, the crew prepares to impersonate emergency medical technicians.]
Mal: Patients were cynical, and not responding, and we couldn't bring 'em back.
Simon: They were cyanotic...
Mal: They were cyanotic...
Simon: ...and not responsive...
Mal: ...not responded— responsive...
Simon: ...and we were unable to...
Zoe: Res—
Mal: Resuscitate them!
. . .
Simon: Which methods did you use?
Zoe: We— we tried pulmonary stimulators, and— and cardiac... we...
Simon: Infusers.
Zoe: Infusers!
. . .
Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: Oh! [long pause] We forget 'em.
Simon: Let's try that again.
. . .
Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—
Simon: Dilated.
Mal: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.
. . .
Jayne: Unable to get a neural...
Simon: Response.
Jayne: Response! Hell, I don't know. If I wanted schooling, I'd-a gone to school.

TV Show: Firefly
[The newly-minted "ambulance" opens, and the three faux EMTs emerge.]
Simon: If I didn't know better, I'd say you're ready to save some lives!
Mal: Now all we need are a couple o' patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.

TV Show: Firefly
[Mal worries about Jayne's commitment to the comatose Simon and River.]
Mal: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.
. . .
Jayne: The doc did good, comin' up with that job. Don't mean I like 'im any better. Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash. Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.

TV Show: Firefly
[The faux EMTs wheel in their body containers, ready to do their spiel to get them to the morgue.]
Emergency Nurse: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue.
[Mal looks at his stunned team. Zoe begins to wheel her container in, but Jayne just stands there.]
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

TV Show: Firefly
[A doctor is hassling "EMT" Mal for his insubordination.]
Doctor: You must be new. Don't get comfortable. Your type doesn't last long here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disresp— AGHHH!
[He collapses. Behind him, Zoe lowers defibrillator paddles.]
Zoe: Clear.

TV Show: Firefly
[On the diagnostic table, River screams.]
River: No! No! No. They come out of the bike. They come when you call.
Simon: River, it's okay— it's, it's over. We're leaving.
[River looks straight at Jayne.]
River: You have a treasure in the sand.
Jayne: And your head's up your—
Simon: Hey! Back off.

TV Show: Firefly
[Mal and Zoe wheel out the medicine-laden containers.]
Wash: How much did we get?
Mal: Enough to keep us flying.
Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
Wash: Maybe a naked beach?
[Wash and Zoe go into a passionate embrace.]
Mal: Cut it out! The job's not done till we're back on Serenity.
Zoe: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.

TV Show: Firefly
[Simon thanks Jayne for his apparent resistance to arrest, unaware that Jayne had called in the feds himself.]
Simon: Still... I appreciate you trying.
Jayne: You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me. I'm trying to figure a way out of here. I can't do it with you yammerin'.
River: They took Christmas away.
Jayne: What the hell now?
River: I came downstairs for the shiny presents. They took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal.
Jayne: [to Simon] Would you shut her up?
River: Don't look in the closet either. It's greedy. It's not in the spirit of the holiday.
Jayne: You shut the hell up right now, or so help me, I will shut you up.
[River looks at Jayne with disbelief and disappointment.]

TV Show: Firefly
[As the two blue-gloved men slaughter the feds, nearby, River starts to panic and run.]
River: Two by two, hands of blue... two by two, hands of blue...

TV Show: Firefly
[Jayne fires a fed's stun rifle at a locked door, but it has no effect.]
Jayne: Shee-niou high-tech Alliance crap!

TV Show: Firefly
[Inara returns from her Companion checkup to find Kaylee the sole inhabitant of Serenity.]
Inara: What's going on here?
Kaylee: Oh, well, let's see. We killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and now the Captain 'n' Zoe are off springing the others got snatched by the Feds!

TV Show: Firefly
[Mal has Jayne locked in the cargo bay airlock, with the door open to the dwindling atmosphere.]
Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don't have a keel to haul you on, so...
. . .
Jayne: What're you takin' it so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. [Pause.] You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact.
. . .
[Resigned to his fate, Jayne calls Mal on the comm-link one last time.]
Jayne: What're you gonna tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: 'Bout why I'm dead.
Mal: I hadn't thought about it.
Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
[Mal relents and closes the door.]
Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.
[Mal walks away.]
Jayne: Can I come in?

TV Show: Firefly
[River sees another syringe in her brother's hand.]
Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?
River: It's time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei-mei. [holds River's hand gently.] It's time to wake up.

TV Show: Firefly
[Book quotes warrior-poet and dictator Xiang Yu to Simon.]
Book: He said, "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano's edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man."
Simon: What if you don't live near a volcano?
Book: I expect he was being poetical.
Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you're not a fan.
Book: I'm just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your sister.
Simon: The government did this to her.
Book: A government is a body of people; usually, notably ungoverned.
Simon: Now you're quoting the Captain.
. . .
Book: Yes, I'd forgotten—you're moon-lighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
Simon: No. But, I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

TV Show: Firefly
[River and Kaylee are running recklessly through the cargo bay. Inara and Mal are conversing on the stairs.]
Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... [to River and Kaylee] SHUT UP!
...
Mal: [to Kaylee and River] One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up!

TV Show: Firefly
[Back on the ship, Inara, Jayne, Simon, Shepherd Book, and Kaylee are anxiously awaiting Zoe's return. The door opens, and Wash and Zoe walk through.]
Book: Thank God you're safe.
Kaylee: Oh my God, what happened?
Simon: Let me take a look— how bad is it?
Wash: I'm fine. [Wash and Zoe push through the crew blocking the hallway.]
Inara: Where's Mal?
Zoe: Niska wouldn't let him go.
Inara: Is he alive?
Zoe: For now. [Zoe hands a bundle to Simon.] Take that to the infirmary— put it on ice.
Kaylee: W-w-what is that?
[Simon unwraps the handkerchief, revealing Mal's ear. Inara and Kaylee gasp and turn away.]
Simon: It's his ear.
[Shepherd mutters in Chinese. Zoe turns back to the crew.]
Zoe: We're getting him back!
Jayne: What are we gonna do, clone him?
Simon: Well it's a clean cut; with the right equipment I should be able to reattach it. [Simon looks up.] That's assuming there's a head.

TV Show: Firefly
[Mal is still tied to the metal post in the torture room. Blood is dripping from where his ear has been cut off, and he is grimacing as Niska's henchmen continue to torture him.]
Niska: Do you know the writings of a Shan Yu?
Mal: [Straining in pain throughout] You starting a book club? What, you trying to torture— [Grunts in pain] trying to torture me?

TV Show: Firefly
[While Zoe and Wash are getting ready to assault Niska's Skyplex]
Wash: Grenades?
Zoe: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear. [Turning to Jayne] They won't be expecting it.
Jayne: Right. 'Cause they ain't insane.

TV Show: Firefly
[Kaylee chases River into the kitchen area and takes back the apple. She holds it up the the others in the kitchen triumphantly.]
Kaylee: [panting] No power in the 'verse... can stop me!
[Zoe and Wash are back at the table, eating apples and chuckling at Kaylee and River.]
Zoe: [holding up an apple to Wash, before cutting it with her knife] These really are the genuine article. I could get used to being rich.
Wash: It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens me.
Zoe: It does kind of freeze the blood.
Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always cut your apples?
Wash: [to Zoe] You do?
Kaylee: [to Wash] Her and Cap'n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on 'em.
Zoe: [pauses, then replies to Kaylee] You know what a griswald is?
Jayne: [just walking in] It's a grenade.
Zoe: About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin' to 'em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, 'cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what're you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: [hurriedly to Kaylee] And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree to a magical land with unicorns and a harp.
(Jayne flicks his knife open and stabs it into a nearby apple, causing Wash to jump)
Kaylee: Blew off their heads, huh?
Zoe: Cap'n said wait, but they were so hungry...Don't make much noise, just little pops and there's three guys that kinda just...end at the rib cage.
(silence)

TV Show: Firefly
[Serenity lands in the desert. Wash and Zoe are in the control room.]
Wash: So...when you said that you didn't get a chance to tell the captain my idea...what you actually meant was, you told him my idea, he rejected it out of hand, and you didn't argue the point, or, even give it another thought-
Zoe: I gave, honey- I, I-
Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.
Zoe: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.
Zoe: I didn't want to upset you.
Wash: What did you think of it?
Zoe: Of what?
Wash: Of my idea! Call the local M.D.'s- forget the fed's, let's go straight to the source. Better prices, and we know the drugs get to the right people.
Zoe: Captain thinks it will get back to someone- it'd just cause trouble!
Wash: [interrupts with muttered curses in Chinese, and slams his hand down on his controls] Was I ever not asking what the captain thought!! [Gets up and almost walks out.]
Zoe: Well, I tend to agree with him.
Wash: Tend to or have to? I love the fact that you two are old army buddies, and you got wacky stories with rib cages in them, but could you have an opinion of your own, please?
Zoe: [glaring at Wash] You're losing the higher ground here, sweetcakes.
Wash: I'm sure you and Mal will take that hill and fortify it with the-
Zoe: [now raising voice]I thought your plan was too risky. I thought.
Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal 'cause you know he'll shoot it down for you. Tell me.
Zoe: Right. 'Cause what this marriage needs i

TV Show: Firefly
[Simon enters his and River's room, where River is laying down, looking ill.]
Simon: Woah. Mei-mei. How you doin'?
River: I threw up.
Simon: Mmm...I'm sorry, it's a side effect. We just have to find the right treatment for you. How do you feel now?
River: Going. Going back, like apple bits, coming back up. [shakes head] Chaos.
Simon: But you felt okay this morning?
River: [smiles wanly] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I...function like I'm a girl. [sobs] I hate it because I know it'll go away! [sobs] The sun grows dark, and chaos is come again. [sobs] Bits… fluids! [sniffs] What am I?
Simon: Shh-shh...: [Simon hugs River reassuringly.] You...are my beautiful sister.
River: I... I threw up on your bed.
Simon: [Simon winces, then smiles.] Yup. Definitely my sister. [River smiles and chuckles while still crying into Simon's shoulder.]

TV Show: Firefly
[Book, Kaylee and Jayne sit in the common area, spying on Inara and Mal, awaiting her latest client.]
Book: Didn't Inara express a wish for privacy?
Kaylee: Oh… we've gotta see who she's got. I bet he's handsome. I think he's gonna bring her flowers.
[A man walks onto Serenity, that seems to be Inara's latest client.]
Kaylee: Oh— there he is!
Mal: Well, he looks the respectable sort. Welcome aboard. I'm Captain Malcolm Rey—
[The man ignores Mal's outstretched hand and walks by him as Mal looks questioningly at his unshaken hand.]
Bodyguard: We're all clear here, councilor.
[The councilor, Inara's client, walks in, and she is revealed to be a woman. Mal stands by as they walk upstairs, mouth agape.]
Mal: ...Huh.
[Jayne, Kaylee, and Book are clearly shocked, especially Jayne, who stares confoundedly at the two retreating women.]
Book: Ohh, my.
Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- [laughs] They look so glamorous together.
Jayne: ...I'll be in my bunk.

TV Show: Firefly
[Mal and Zoe are in the empty shuttle, preparing to leave.]
Mal: Lucrative as this stuff is, I'll be glad to see the last of it. [loading the stolen medical supplies] Kind of makes us a target for—
Zoe: [checking controls and dials] Was River in here messing around? The ignition sequence is all turned about, I can't even—
Wash: [entering] I can.
Mal: Well, get it set, would you, Wash? We gotta get moving.
Wash: Here's a funny twist. No.
Mal: No, what?
Wash: No, sir.
Zoe: You changed the sequence?
Wash: Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead— me and the captain.
Mal: The captain who's standing right here, telling you that's not going to happen?
Wash: Well, it's a dangerous mission sir. [looking at Zoe] I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now.
Mal: Okay [chuckling], um... I'm lost. Uh... I'm angry. And, I'm armed. So, if you two have something that you need to work out—
Zoe: It's all right, sir. We've dealt with Bash before. Shouldn't be a problem. [stands to leave] And I wouldn't mind sitting this one out. [stares down Wash]
Mal: Oh, this is a fine [mutters in Chinese] but I don't have time to unwind it. Wash [nodding at Wash, clearly annoyed] get her started. Zoe, ship is yours.
[Zoe leaves.]
Wash: Bye, hon. [sarcastic] We promise not to stop for beers with the fellas! [Turning to Mal,] So... are we gonna sing army songs or something?
[The shuttle takes off.]

TV Show: Firefly