Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Narrator: When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]
Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!
Narrator: When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]
Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know . . . unless you were dumb enough to sing along.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If you watch TV, you'll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didn't even know who could read.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Cutaway]
Tonya: Mom! Chris just got hit by a car!
Rochelle: Oh my God! I'll go get the Robitussin!
Tonya: Mom! Chris just got hit by a car!
Rochelle: Oh my God! I'll go get the Robitussin!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When broke kids get bored, they play one of the cheapest games ever invented, I Dare You.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mrs. Milone: You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.
Narrator: I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.
Narrator: I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
Narrator: And great-grandfathers at 43.
Narrator: And great-grandfathers at 43.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: [reading from a card] Roses are red, violets are blue, please go back to Africa and take your mother with you. Happy Valentine's Day.
Narrator: Another card like this and I might just go to Africa.
Narrator: Another card like this and I might just go to Africa.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Adult Tonya: Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.
Ronald: Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]
Adult Tonya: Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!
Narrator: Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
Ronald: Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]
Adult Tonya: Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!
Narrator: Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Rochelle, did you watch the news? Girls are having babies at 10.
Narrator: And grandbabies at 20.
Narrator: And grandbabies at 20.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too.
Narrator: So much for "love is in the air".
Chris: Ey, leave her alone.
Narrator: So much for "love is in the air".
Chris: Ey, leave her alone.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Somebody beats Chris's score in a video game]
Narrator: Ain't this about a bi--
[Opening sequence cuts him off]
Narrator: Ain't this about a bi--
[Opening sequence cuts him off]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: Momma, can we have our candy back?
Rochelle: No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.
Narrator: But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.
Rochelle: No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.
Narrator: But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?
Adult Tonya: Momma, I had to smoke that fool.
Rochelle: No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!
Narrator: And worse than this...
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?
Teenage Drew: [dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.
Rochelle: I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?
Adult Tonya: Momma, I had to smoke that fool.
Rochelle: No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!
Narrator: And worse than this...
[Cutaway]
Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?
Teenage Drew: [dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.
Rochelle: I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: My foot's lookin' better, don't you think?
Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.
Julius: If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?
Rochelle: For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.
Julius: Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.
Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?
Julius: Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?
Rochelle: Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?
Julius: You like football?
Rochelle: No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.
Julius: You wanna talk about the gout?
Rochelle: NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!
Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.
Julius: If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?
Rochelle: For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.
Julius: Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.
Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?
Julius: Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?
Rochelle: Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?
Julius: You like football?
Rochelle: No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.
Julius: You wanna talk about the gout?
Rochelle: NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: You're definitely not in there.
Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Caruso: Rest in peace, Toby.
Drew: Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?
Julius: That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.
Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Caruso: Rest in peace, Toby.
Drew: Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?
Julius: That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Announcer: [cut to Rochelle] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? [cut to Chris] How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? [cut to Julius] Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? [cut to Tonya] Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? [cut to Drew] Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more when "Everybody Hates Chris" returns.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: "Mmm" meant she was gonna blame me for the rest of her life.
[Cutaway]'[Time Card Reads 2028]
Old Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.
Old Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.
Old Rochelle: Mm-hmm.
[Cutaway]'[Time Card Reads 2028]
Old Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.
Old Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.
Old Rochelle: Mm-hmm.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I know you're probably wondering: "What is the gout?".
Doctor: Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.
Julius: [tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.
Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?
Doctor: Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon...
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.
Julius: [tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.
Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Gene: Knock-knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: Pass me them porkchops.
Drew: Pass me them porkchops who?
Gene: No! Pass me them porkchops right there!
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: Pass me them porkchops.
Drew: Pass me them porkchops who?
Gene: No! Pass me them porkchops right there!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Gene: Knock-knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: [feeling pain] Oh, Lorrrrrdy.
Chris: Oh, Lorrrrrdy who? [everyone laughs]
Gene: I'm dyin'...
Rochelle: I'm dyin' who?
Gene: I'm... havin'... a... heart... [dies]
Tonya: You're havin' a heart who?
Rochelle: Daddy? [silence] Daddy? [suspicious] Daddy?
Narrator: I never did find out who was there.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: [feeling pain] Oh, Lorrrrrdy.
Chris: Oh, Lorrrrrdy who? [everyone laughs]
Gene: I'm dyin'...
Rochelle: I'm dyin' who?
Gene: I'm... havin'... a... heart... [dies]
Tonya: You're havin' a heart who?
Rochelle: Daddy? [silence] Daddy? [suspicious] Daddy?
Narrator: I never did find out who was there.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Maxine: Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Narrator: I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I expected.
Maxine: Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]
White mom: Who are you?
Chris: You don't wanna know.
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Narrator: I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I expected.
Maxine: Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]
White mom: Who are you?
Chris: You don't wanna know.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum".
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris