Cheers Quotes
Cliff: Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.
Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.
TV Show: Cheers
Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.
Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane: Not entirely.
Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.
Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane: Not entirely.
Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.
TV Show: Cheers
Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.
Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.
Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.
TV Show: Cheers
Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.
Anthony: No, no, I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.
Anthony: No, no, I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.
TV Show: Cheers
Carla: Diane, I heard screams.
Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Diane: No.
Carla: Was I helping in any way?
Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Diane: No.
Carla: Was I helping in any way?
TV Show: Cheers
[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]
Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
Sam: I think you heard me.
Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.
Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?
Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
Sam: I think you heard me.
Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.
Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?
TV Show: Cheers
Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.
Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.
Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.
TV Show: Cheers
Cliff: Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
Diane: Eight, I was premature.
Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.
Diane: Eight, I was premature.
Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.
TV Show: Cheers
Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.
Carla: What?
Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
Carla: Let me see. Come on.
Sam: What's the magic word?
Carla: Gelding!
Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]
Carla: What?
Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
Carla: Let me see. Come on.
Sam: What's the magic word?
Carla: Gelding!
Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]
TV Show: Cheers
[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]
Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?
Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
Sam, Diane, others: Carla!
Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
Carla: You're weird... I like that.
Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?
Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
Sam, Diane, others: Carla!
Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
Carla: You're weird... I like that.
TV Show: Cheers
[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]
Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.
Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.
Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.
Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.
TV Show: Cheers
Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.
Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?
Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?
TV Show: Cheers
Sam: Bowling?
Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.
Sam: Carla...
Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.
Norm: All right. We're number one.
Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.
Sam: Carla...
Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.
Norm: All right. We're number one.
TV Show: Cheers
[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]
Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.
Carla: They seem to have given you courage.
Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.
Carla: They seem to have given you courage.
TV Show: Cheers
Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?
Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
TV Show: Cheers
[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]
Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?
Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.
Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?
Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.
TV Show: Cheers
[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Diane: Yes. How old were you?
Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.
Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Diane: Yes. How old were you?
Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.
TV Show: Cheers
[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]
Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
Barry: Barry.
Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?
Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
Barry: Barry.
Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?
TV Show: Cheers
[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]
Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.
Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.
TV Show: Cheers
[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]
Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane: What's her name and how many months?
Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane: What's her name and how many months?
TV Show: Cheers
[Diane enters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane reenters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
Everyone: Norm!
Diane: [pauses] That's better.
Diane: Hello, everyone.
[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane reenters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
Everyone: Norm!
Diane: [pauses] That's better.
TV Show: Cheers
Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?
Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?
Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?
TV Show: Cheers
[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]
Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
Diane: Ah, the big bottle.
Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
Diane: Ah, the big bottle.
TV Show: Cheers
[The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]
Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?
Cliff: Ah, could be.
Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?
Diane: You're an idiot!
Sam: That would be four, then.
Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?
Cliff: Ah, could be.
Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?
Diane: You're an idiot!
Sam: That would be four, then.
TV Show: Cheers
Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh good, what?
Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.
Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh good, what?
Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.
TV Show: Cheers
Diane: Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.
Sam: How about sex?
Diane: Or sex.
Sam: How about sex?
Diane: Or sex.
TV Show: Cheers
Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.
TV Show: Cheers
Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.
Sam: Yourself.
TV Show: Cheers
Frasier: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.
Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.
Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.
TV Show: Cheers
Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
TV Show: Cheers