Arrested Development Quotes

Lucille: Is this why you wanted to fight this thing? So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

TV Show: Arrested Development
Gob: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

TV Show: Arrested Development
George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? [angrily] Michael!
Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me — me!
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother.
Wife of Gob: No!

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me. And where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay: Old thing got it for me.

TV Show: Arrested Development
George: No, no, look, you were ... you were just a turd out there, you know? You couldn't kick, and you couldn't run, you know? You were just... a turd.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Gob: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?
George Sr.: My secretary.
Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Dr. Fishman: Excuse me, Mrs Fünke.
Lucille: Oh, this guy again.
Michael: How is he, doctor?
Dr. Fishman: It looks like he's dead.
Lucille: Oh, my God!
Gob: Oh, little guy. The tears aren't comin'! The tears just aren't comin'!
Michael: Uh, just to be clear: looks like he's dead, or he is dead?
Dr. Fishman: It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine.
Gob: What is wrong with you?
Maeby: This [bleep]ing doctor!
Dr. Fishman: I'll let you celebrate privately.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lucille: I want you out of the house.
Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: I guess you're the big marriage expert. Oh wait, I forgot-your wife is dead!

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. (imitating John Wayne) I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. (speaking normally) Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?

TV Show: Arrested Development
Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail boot camp.
Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed day camp.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Gob: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.
Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lindsay: No, you’re not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it’ll just make me seem like I’m a mother.
Maeby: I’ve never thought of you that way.
Lindsay: That’s sweet.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and uh, she needs something that I can't give her, um... maybe a little afternoon delight?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named afternoon delight, a strand famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well, sure, the question is: Which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe, I'll put it in her brownie.
Michael: Hey!

TV Show: Arrested Development
Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with Gob. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob.
Michael: I think that makes the joke on Gob.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can sink your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?

TV Show: Arrested Development
Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.
Gob: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying?

TV Show: Arrested Development
Michael[to Buster]: Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn’t give birth to you.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s, like, die already!

TV Show: Arrested Development
Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.
Lucille: Really? Did "nothing" cancel?

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.
Tobias: I haven’t been the perfect husband — yes, I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

TV Show: Arrested Development
Tobias: You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.

TV Show: Arrested Development