Archer Quotes
Lana: Undercover?
Malory: Of course undercover!
Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?
Malory: Of course undercover!
Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?
TV Show: Archer
Malory: You're still together?
Barry: Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.
Malory: Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
Barry: [nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.
Barry: Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.
Malory: Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
Barry: [nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Ohh but he's such a douche bag...
Malory: I know dear, but he's also my son.
Lana: Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Barry: Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Malory: I know dear, but he's also my son.
Lana: Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Barry: Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
TV Show: Archer
Malory: Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: When would you use an underwear gun?
Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for. Or is she an...assassin?
Cyril: I don't know.
Archer: Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?
Cyril: Ah. How should I know?
Archer: Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?
Cyril: Ohh. Because they're assassins too?
Archer: Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.
Cyril: Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.
Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around...no-one's gonna bug you for a tip.
Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for. Or is she an...assassin?
Cyril: I don't know.
Archer: Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?
Cyril: Ah. How should I know?
Archer: Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?
Cyril: Ohh. Because they're assassins too?
Archer: Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.
Cyril: Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.
Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around...no-one's gonna bug you for a tip.
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: Hey, Pam, check this out.
(Pam looks at computer)
Pam: Holy shit snacks!
Malory: We have snacks?!
(Pam looks at computer)
Pam: Holy shit snacks!
Malory: We have snacks?!
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Hey, Jane! *pulls out a switch blade* Gettin' a snack?
[Later]
Lana: Hey, Jane! *pulls out a switch blade* Gettin' a tampon?
[Later]
Lana: Hey, Jane! *pulls out a switch blade* Gettin' a tampon?
TV Show: Archer
Archer: I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like..
Cyril: Who? James Bond?
Archer: Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.
Cyril: So do something!
Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.
Cyril: I could drive better than that.
Archer: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Cyril: Oh no you are not. you are totally not...
Archer: I totally am not.
Cyril: Who? James Bond?
Archer: Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.
Cyril: So do something!
Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.
Cyril: I could drive better than that.
Archer: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Cyril: Oh no you are not. you are totally not...
Archer: I totally am not.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: How did you know where I was?
Lana: When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.
Cyril: In my body?
Lana: Baby? Hon?
Cyril: No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Lana: Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
Cyril: I do not.
Lana: You do not.
Lana: When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.
Cyril: In my body?
Lana: Baby? Hon?
Cyril: No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Lana: Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
Cyril: I do not.
Lana: You do not.
TV Show: Archer
Charles: Oh my god, yes. Those NAZI uniforms?
Rudy: Hugo Boss!
Charles: Shut up!
Rudy: Swear to god.
Rudy: Hugo Boss!
Charles: Shut up!
Rudy: Swear to god.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.
Lana: Ha! Please...
Archer: What? You’re black...ish...
Lana: "ISH?"
Archer: Well, what’s the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said ‘Quadroon!’
Lana: Imagine that!
Archer: You imagine it!
Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
Lana: Ha! Please...
Archer: What? You’re black...ish...
Lana: "ISH?"
Archer: Well, what’s the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said ‘Quadroon!’
Lana: Imagine that!
Archer: You imagine it!
Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
TV Show: Archer
Lana: (about Conway) And what do we know about this guy?
Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised.
Lana: (Pause.) Okay, glossing over how you know that-
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
Archer: What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum-
Lana: That's not how it works!
Archer: Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.
Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised.
Lana: (Pause.) Okay, glossing over how you know that-
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
Archer: What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum-
Lana: That's not how it works!
Archer: Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.
TV Show: Archer
[Archer is hammering some paper into a shredder using a stapler]
Lana: What are you doing?
Archer: Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?
Lana: What are you doing?
Archer: Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?
TV Show: Archer
Lana: OK fine, I can't prove anything right now.
Mallory: That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?
Lana: What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?
Mallory: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Mallory: Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.
Lana: While I'm on what?!
Mallory: What are you, deaf and racist?
Lana: I'm black!
Mallory: Oh, put it back in the deck.
Mallory: That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?
Lana: What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?
Mallory: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Mallory: Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.
Lana: While I'm on what?!
Mallory: What are you, deaf and racist?
Lana: I'm black!
Mallory: Oh, put it back in the deck.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.
Conway: Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
Conway: Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
[Archer throws up]
Pam: You get any of that in the trashcan?
Archer: No. I missed on purpose.
[Archer throws up]
Pam: You get any of that in the trashcan?
Archer: No. I missed on purpose.
TV Show: Archer
Conway: It's a silent submarine propulsion system called the "Whisper Drive" [...] This is "Wilhelm Schmeck", inventor of the Whisper Drive. Yesterday, Schmeck went missing, along with the plans for the Whisper Drive. I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach.
Mallory: Uh, just what Miami needs.. More Cubans.
Mallory: Uh, just what Miami needs.. More Cubans.
TV Show: Archer
[Lana slaps Archer]
Lana: I want you to listen to me.
Archer: Then unperforate my eardrum.
Lana: Un...head up your ass.
Lana: I want you to listen to me.
Archer: Then unperforate my eardrum.
Lana: Un...head up your ass.
TV Show: Archer
[Archer and Conway are hugging after they completed their mission. Conway stabs Archer in the back]
Archer: Conway?
Conway: Yeah, buddy.
Archer: Are there more bad guys behind me?
Conway: Nope.
Archer: You dick.
Archer: Conway?
Conway: Yeah, buddy.
Archer: Are there more bad guys behind me?
Conway: Nope.
Archer: You dick.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: You said no dates.
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!
Archer: Um, phrasing?
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!
Archer: Um, phrasing?
TV Show: Archer
Malory: [to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.
Lana: Could we get off my fingers?
Cyril: Yeah, they are pretty big.
Lana: First time I've heard you complain.
Lana: Could we get off my fingers?
Cyril: Yeah, they are pretty big.
Lana: First time I've heard you complain.
TV Show: Archer
Dr. Krieger: [on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.
Cyril: Or with her.
Lana: [performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
Cyril: She probably uses the metric system.
Pam: Yeah, what do they use—kilowatts?
Dr. Krieger: No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Cheryl: Hey, Europe—be gayer.
Malory: Lana, release him!
Lana: [as Darth Vader]As you wish.[She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I think they're kinda sexy.
Lana: Excuse me?
Cheryl: They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
Cyril: Or with her.
Lana: [performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
Cyril: She probably uses the metric system.
Pam: Yeah, what do they use—kilowatts?
Dr. Krieger: No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Cheryl: Hey, Europe—be gayer.
Malory: Lana, release him!
Lana: [as Darth Vader]As you wish.[She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I think they're kinda sexy.
Lana: Excuse me?
Cheryl: They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: [as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.
Malory: Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.
Archer: [as everybody laughs] Mother!
Cheryl: Wait, whose bed?
Woodhouse: It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.
Archer: What, at the table?!
Malory: Sterling.
Archer: Like people?!
Malory: Sterling!
Archer: What?! Look, he thinks he's people!
Malory: Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.
Archer: [as everybody laughs] Mother!
Cheryl: Wait, whose bed?
Woodhouse: It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.
Archer: What, at the table?!
Malory: Sterling.
Archer: Like people?!
Malory: Sterling!
Archer: What?! Look, he thinks he's people!
TV Show: Archer