South Park Quotes
[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids' Table in the cafeteria]
Cartman: This is bullcrap!
Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg across your face?
Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids' Table in the cafeteria]
Cartman: This is bullcrap!
Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg across your face?
Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
TV Show: South Park
Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
Cartman: What?
Cartman: What?
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.
Cartman: It's over?
Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virius.
Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
Cartman: It's over?
Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virius.
Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
TV Show: South Park
Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]
Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine!
Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!
Cartman: No! Noooo!
Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine!
Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!
Cartman: No! Noooo!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck, Kyle!
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck, Kyle!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
Man: Join the club.
Man #2: Yeah. All you amature photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking butthole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
Stan: Don't you reconize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Police Officer: You are?
Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.
Man: Join the club.
Man #2: Yeah. All you amature photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking butthole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
Stan: Don't you reconize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Police Officer: You are?
Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [talking about middle-grade school students] You know what they're goin to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
TV Show: South Park
High School Student #2: [after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.
High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
High School Student #4: Yeah.
Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.
High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
High School Student #4: Yeah.
Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.
Thompson: Woah, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!
Thompson: Woah, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.
Butters: No!
Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
Butters: Ahh! [shoots a customer in the groin]
Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
Cartman: Aww...dude. You shot him in the dick.
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him and you said--
Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
Butters: No!
Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
Butters: Ahh! [shoots a customer in the groin]
Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
Cartman: Aww...dude. You shot him in the dick.
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him and you said--
Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
Police Officer #1: The President?
Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.
Cartman: No. Goddamnit we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Butters: What, what happened?
Cartman: Goddamnit, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
Butters: Awww, I did it again?
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you? That is not cool Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!
Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!
Police Officer #1: The President?
Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.
Cartman: No. Goddamnit we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Butters: What, what happened?
Cartman: Goddamnit, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
Butters: Awww, I did it again?
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you? That is not cool Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!
Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awarness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those tittes. They're oh too dangerous.
Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
Cartman: Haha! You're going to kick my ass?
Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
Wendy: You think you're tough?!
Cartman: What's up? What's up?
Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go, bitch.
Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after school?
Wendy: That's right!
Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!
Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
Cartman: Haha! You're going to kick my ass?
Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
Wendy: You think you're tough?!
Cartman: What's up? What's up?
Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go, bitch.
Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after school?
Wendy: That's right!
Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!
TV Show: South Park
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
Wendy: What? No!
Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?
Wendy: What? No!
Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?
TV Show: South Park
Wendy's Dad: Did you tell this little boy you we're going to beat him up?
Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.
Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we tought you that?
Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]
Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.
Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we tought you that?
Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]
TV Show: South Park
Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of a whore man! And you're gonna let that near your penis?!
Kenny: Yep! Woohoo!
Kenny: Yep! Woohoo!
TV Show: South Park
Butters: A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?
TV Show: South Park
Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til the day I kiss you/Until then I have to diss you/'Cuz my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.
TV Show: South Park
Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait 'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change, baby, and the world goes round and round and round.
TV Show: South Park
Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you, baby/Bay-bay.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Well, well, well, here he comes, it's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.
TV Show: South Park
Jonas Brothers Song: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have these rings/Bay-bay.
TV Show: South Park
Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.
Mickey Mouse: Gosh, fellas, I'll say this to you once again... You have to wear the purity rings and that's how you give sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else the Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.
Mickey Mouse: Gosh, fellas, I'll say this to you once again... You have to wear the purity rings and that's how you give sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else the Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.
TV Show: South Park
Mickey Mouse: [kicking Joe Jonas causing his nose to start bleeding] You don't fucking talk to me like that, ha-ha, you little piece of shit! [Joe coughs] Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up! Ha-ha.
TV Show: South Park
[The Jonas Brothers just finished spraying fire extinguishers into the concert audience]
TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?
TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?
TV Show: South Park
Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters. I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are retarded, ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! [realizes the curtain is up] Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.
TV Show: South Park
News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers' 3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a fit.
Mickey Mouse: [flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! [blows fire, killing every person in his path]
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
Mickey Mouse: [flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! [blows fire, killing every person in his path]
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
TV Show: South Park