M*A*S*H Quotes
Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
(Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
(Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
Hawkeye: I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.
Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
Hawkeye: I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.
Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Charles is in the shower)
Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Charles: Do I still have a palate?
Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
Charles: For--! My last offer was thirty.
Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Klinger: Try a little more soap.
Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Charles: Do I still have a palate?
Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
Charles: For--! My last offer was thirty.
Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Klinger: Try a little more soap.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(discussing Dr. Traeger)
Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Could've really showed him.
Hawkeye: What? What?
BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BJ: Well, you would.
Hawkeye: Well, yeah.
Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Could've really showed him.
Hawkeye: What? What?
BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BJ: Well, you would.
Hawkeye: Well, yeah.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BJ: Bravo, bravo.
Charles: Anthropoid boors.
BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BJ: Bravo, bravo.
Charles: Anthropoid boors.
BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
B.J.: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles: Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
Charles: Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
Charles: Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
Margaret: Well, look under P.
Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."
Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.
Charles: Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
Margaret: Well, look under P.
Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."
Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Mulcahy: Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.
Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: (After breaking Potter's glasses) We just shared a moment of great warmth. I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Soldier: Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
Soldier: I don't know if I can, Doc. I feel real weird.
Charles: Just stay with it.
Soldier: Doc?
Charles: Hm?
Soldier: You still there?
Charles: Sure.
Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
Charles: I am holding it.
Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
Charles: Can you hear me?
Soldier: Yes.
Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
Soldier: I smell bread.
Charles: I don't understand.
(soldier dies)
Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
Soldier: I don't know if I can, Doc. I feel real weird.
Charles: Just stay with it.
Soldier: Doc?
Charles: Hm?
Soldier: You still there?
Charles: Sure.
Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
Charles: I am holding it.
Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
Charles: Can you hear me?
Soldier: Yes.
Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
Soldier: I smell bread.
Charles: I don't understand.
(soldier dies)
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)
Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: No offense, Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
TV Show: M*A*S*H