Fawlty Towers Quotes

Mrs. Richards: What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
Manuel: No, no. Fawlty.
Mrs. Richards: Faulty? What's wrong with him?
Polly: It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
Mrs. Richards: The manager's from Barcelona?
Manuel: No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: May I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: What?
Basil: Nothing.
Mrs Richards: Anyway, listen. I am not satisfied. Nevertheless, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. [mutters] You don't.
Mrs Richards: What?
Basil: I can fix it [mutters] you scabby old bat.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mrs Richards: What sort of reduction are you prepared to give me?
Basil: [whispering] 60% if you turn it on.
Mrs Richards: What?!
Basil: My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mrs Richards: [Leaving the room] I can get down stairs by myself
Basil: "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
Sybil: [to Mrs Richards] Are you sure you can manage?
Basil: If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: He gets paid for sticking his nose—
Sybil: Oh, Basil—
Basil: No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Sybil: You're only single once.
Basil: Twice can be arranged!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Psychiatrist : There's enough material there for an entire conference

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Terry: Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
Basil: Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mr. Hamilton: What I'm suggesting that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen [angrily]: No! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mr. Hamilton: Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
Basil: [puzzled] A wal....
Mr. Hamilton: Waldorf Salad
Basil: I think we're just out of waldorfs

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Dr Price: You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
Basil: Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
Major Gowen: Oh. Shot, was he?
Basil: No, No. Died in his sleep.
Major Gowen: In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
[After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.]
Basil: They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
Polly: Oh... say she's... er... um...
Basil: She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
Manuel: It is surprise party.
Basil: Yes?
Manuel: She no here.
Basil: Yes?
Manuel: That is surprise!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Virginia: There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
Basil: Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
Roger: Her driving round in the town.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Terry: Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
Basil: No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Manuel: I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
Basil: Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers