Father Ted Quotes
Bishop Brennan: [angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.
TV Show: Father Ted
Eoin McLove: Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: (Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
Father Dougal: He's right, Ted.
Father Dougal: He's right, Ted.
TV Show: Father Ted
Patsy: Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin: I have no willy.
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin: I have no willy.
TV Show: Father Ted
Eoin McLove: Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
Father Ted: (long pause across end credits) Jim?
Father Ted: (long pause across end credits) Jim?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Cagney: I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Father Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Father Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!
TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
Ted: No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
Dougal: What, the anti-Santa?!
Ted: No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
Dougal: What, the anti-Santa?!
TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Father Ted: This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
Dougal: America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
Ted: He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Dougal: Oh right.
Father Ted: This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
Dougal: America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
Ted: He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Dougal: Oh right.
TV Show: Father Ted