Bewitched Quotes

[Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].
Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]
Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

TV Show: Bewitched
Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?
Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]
Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.
Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]
Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.
Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.
Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]
Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".

TV Show: Bewitched
[Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]
Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.
Samantha: And so's your horse.

TV Show: Bewitched
[When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]
Samantha: He'll catch up.
Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Maurice is greeting Samantha.]
Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

TV Show: Bewitched
Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.
Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]
Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa.
Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess?
Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.
Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality.
Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]
Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.
Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.
Witches Council Representative #1: No.
Endora: Yes.
Witches Council Representative #2: No!
Endora: Yes!
Witches Council Representative #1: No!!!
Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

TV Show: Bewitched
[After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]
Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple
Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur.
Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that?
Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur.
Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress?
Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur!
Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?
Samantha: Why would I want to do that?
Darrin: Could you or couldn't you?
Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?
Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult.
[Samantha turns around in a huff!)]
Samantha: Well!
Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way?
Samantha: Are you challenging me?
Darrin: Yes
Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]
Larry Tate: Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school?
Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

TV Show: Bewitched
Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?
Tabitha: It's not a dumb name.
Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before?
Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]
Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that?
Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.
Charlton's mom: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?
Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?
Charlton's mom: Yes.
Samantha: Do you follow me?
Charlton's mom: No.
Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.
Charlton's mom: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?
Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog.
Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]
Tabitha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?
Tabitha: I have an idea.
Tabitha: What's that?
Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding?
Tabitha: Why is it that I feel like the fox thats been cornered by the chicken!?

TV Show: Bewitched
[After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].
George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow?
Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.
George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.
Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir.
George Washington: Better than me?
Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?
Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".
George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Referring to Esmerelda]
Darrin: How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: How would you like a drink?
Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anaestethic.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Did Larry like it?
Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Referring to Dr. Bombay].
Samantha: There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.
Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?
Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.
Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

TV Show: Bewitched
[The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]
Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.
Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.

TV Show: Bewitched