Skins Quotes

[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]
Anwar: Now what?
Angie: Walk on.
Anwar: Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.
Tony: Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.

TV Show: Skins
[Maxxie, looking through Anwar's suitcase, finds his mother has arranged his clothes in plastic wrapping and labelled them, as if he is a child]
Anwar: What, you try arguing with a 45-year old Pakistani woman then.

TV Show: Skins
Maxxie: Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.
Sid: What, like more Muslim than he was already?
Maxxie: A bit more Muslim, yeah.
Tony: What happened?
Maxxie: Well, he’s just like, switched about me being, you know-
Tony: Blond?
Maxxie: No.
Tony: Short?
Maxxie: Gay!

TV Show: Skins
Maxxie: Anwar's a fucking liar! Lies to his mum all the fucking time! No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.
Valentina: Who is Anwar?
Maxxie: ... a friend.
Valentina: Who is homo?
Maxxie: Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a fucking homo!
Valentina: Anwar hate homo?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: Anwar is friend?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?
Maxxie: Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Valentina: Maxxie help Valentina?

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Angie: I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!
Chris Miles: How old are they normally?

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Valentina: What is problem?
Maxxie: You won't understand. I mean you can't even speak English.
Valentina: No problem. Vodka.

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Valentina: You tell me problem. We drink, problem kaput!

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Anwar: You speak English!
Anka: Yeah! I learned from like so the best American show ever. How you doin'?

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[Chris has just seen Michelle act coldly to Tony and Tony getting slapped]
Chris Miles: Jesus, Sid, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's like a fucking episode of The O.C. in here!

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Jal: 'Shell what happened?
Michelle: [crying] Never mind!
Jal: Never mind? Did he screw someone again?
Michelle: Again?
Jal: I tried to tell you 'Shell.
Michelle: About who?
Jal: But you never wanna hear it.
Michelle: About who, for Christ's sakes!?
Jal: Jenny, Mags, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, Bucksy from the Geography trip, the posh girl from the choir...

TV Show: Skins
[Tony is outside Michelle's house throwing pebbles at her window]
Tony: 'Shell! 'Shell! Hey, Nips! [reciting Shakespeare]It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.
[Sid approaches Tony]
Sid: Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?
Tony: Sidney?
Sid: She thinks you're a tit.
Tony: She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Sid: Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?
Tony: Look around Sidney. Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.
Sid: No matter who you hurt?
Tony: So I messed around with Maxxie a bit. So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not. And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.
Sid: You sure?
Tony: Don't be such a dildo, Sid. 'Course she will. [continues reciting Shakespeare] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses it. I will answer it.
[Sid violently punches Tony in the face, knocking him down, and leaves]
Tony: [in shock] Sid? You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it! Now you're getting it!
[Tony struggles to regain his confidence, but eventually throws the stone away and leaves, visibly shaken by Sid's punch]

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'[Mark catches Sid and Michelle in a compromising situation]
Mark: Sid, have you got a razor I can borrow? [Looks astonished at what meets him]
Sid: It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.
[Nervously, he offers a thumbs-up and leaves]
Mark: Finally! [calls his wife] Liz... Yeah. [Excitedly] Hey listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!

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Maxxie: I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

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Effy: Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...

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[Sid and Tony are rushing to Effy's rescue]
Sid: Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead?
Tony: Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won't prosecute.

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Tony: Effy's different, I sort of own her, 'cause she's my sister. But with you... I just really wanted you there. Then you were, in the car.
Sid: Thing is, Tony, you sort of own me too. Mostly in a good way.

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Pandora: I'm useless. That's why I'm here.
Madame de Luca: [pause] How perceptive you are.

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Pandora: [stoned] Hi mum. No, I'm fine, I'm super duper fine! Yep, I'm with my friends and they're like so fucking amazing. Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock, but he can't tell. See ya! [Tony looks more uncomfortable as she keeps on staring]

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[Anthea and Jim are accusing Tony of giving Effy drugs]
Anthea: I suppose we should congratulate you for getting her clean drugs.
Tony: You think this was me?
Anthea: She was with you.
Tony: I wasn't. I was...
Jim: Don't deny it.
Anthea: Tony, she's your little sister.
Tony: I know. I know. But listen, for a second...
Anthea: No. I've had enough of listening to you. We all have. You and your horrid little ways, always at other people's expense.
Sid: Hang on. That's enough.
Anthea: What!?
Sid: He loves Effy. Don't you think this is hard enough?
Jim: And who the fuck are you?
Sid: I'm his best friend!
Jim: And I'm his fucking father!
Sid: [coldly] I know what you are. [pause] Come on, Tony, we're going. [gets up]

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Sid: [writing a letter] Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd, because I feel like singing when I see you. And you're beautiful. And I've been such a fucking chapstick this past few weeks. And all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon Hill and hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are... and stick my hand down your knickers. [thinks, crosses this out]
[Concurrently]
Cassie: [writing a letter] Dear Sid, it isn't easy to tell you this, so that's why I'm writing. Don't try to ring me, because you're not allowed to here, and anyway I don't want to speak to you. And there's nothing you can say to change this. My mom and dad decided that things aren't working out, so I'm moving to a place called Elgin. It's in Scotland, and everyone's happy there. They're coming for me tonight, and then I'll be gone and we won't have to play this silly game anymore. I want you to know that I really liked you, Sid. But... it's too late now. Goodbye.

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Maxxie: I'm gay, Mr. Kharrel. I always have been.
Mr. Kharrel: It's a fucking stupid messed up world. I've got my God. He speaks to me everyday. Somethings I just can't work out so I leave them be, okay? Even if I think they're wrong, because I know someday he'll make me understand. I've got that trust. It's called belief. I'm a lucky man.

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Sid: Tony you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the fuck you're on about most of the time... do you think that matters?
Tony: Sidney, I think on balance... it helps.

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Tony: Just you and me, sis.
Effy: Fucking wanker.
Tony: Eff, what are you talking about?
Effy: Michelle.
Tony: I tried.
Effy: No. Wanker.
Tony: I said sorry!
Effy: Wanker.
Tony: Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.
Effy: [pause] Wanker.

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[Dale crashes into Maxxie and they roll together down the hill. Dale kisses Maxxie who eventually pushes him off, and they roll down even more with Dale ending up straddling Maxxie]
Dale: Sent them the other way.
Maxxie: Fucking cake. I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.
Dale: Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.
Maxxie: Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... just... nah, fuck it.
[Maxxie draws Dale down for another kiss]

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[Maxxie's dad Walter walks past Tony, Chris and Jal]
Walter: Hello, Tony, Chris, funny name.

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[In a costume party Michelle, dressed as Princess Leia, has ran into Tony who is dressed as Luke Skywalker and Abigail also as Leia]
Tony: Hi, Michelle.
Michelle: You dressed as Luke. For her.
Tony: Well, I guess I... did I?
Michelle: Tony, you... [walks away]
[Maxxie and Anwar are watching]
Anwar: You think either of them has actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

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Chris: Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.
Jal: Huh?
Chris: Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.

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Alex: [sneering] Cannae hold onto your woman, eh?
[Mark hits breaking point]
Mark: Fuck off out of my house you miserable Scottish cunt.
Alex: [in disbelief] You... You, you... what!?
Mark: I know what your game is, Alex. It's a fucking good yin. But I'm no' buying it, you got me?
Sid: Dad?
Mark: It's okay, Sid. They're all leaving! Right now! [Alex looks shocked]

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Anna Richardson: [taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.
[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]
Delivery man: Buggering hell!
[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]
Anna: This one's actually a lemon squeezer!
Delivery man: Thank Christ for that...

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Sid: [getting up] Anyways, we should get the tents up. [helps Michelle up] Gimme a hand getting them off the..
[They see that the tents are missing from the car roof]
Sid: ...Roof?
[Cut to the gang advancing on Chris]
Chris: Look, it's not my fault!
Jal: I told you to tie the tents to the roof!
Chris: No, no, no, you said to put the stuff on the roof! Nobody said anything about tying!
Maxxie: You meader, Chris!
Sid: [As Anwar pushes Chris] What did you think was holding them up there, you muppet?!
Michelle: Where the fuck are we gonna sleep!?
Chris: I'm sorry! [pause] Fuck it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?
Jal: This! [reaches out and crushes his testicles]
Sid: Oh, that's gotta hurt.

TV Show: Skins