Hogan's Heroes Quotes
Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!
Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!
Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front — now it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
{In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering)
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion.]
Colonel Hogan: Coincidence — another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious, sir — the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
{In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering)
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion.]
Colonel Hogan: Coincidence — another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious, sir — the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Lookouts warn Schultz is coming, Hogan hides picture of the area and pulls down portrait of a beautiful woman.]
Colonel Hogan: Now this is a woman. W-O-M-A-N, Oh, hi Schultz.
Schultz: What is this?
Hogan: It's a lecture I have to give every six months — army regulations.
Schultz: I don't believe you.
Hogan: You wanna know what we were really doing?
Schultz: No!
Colonel Hogan: Now this is a woman. W-O-M-A-N, Oh, hi Schultz.
Schultz: What is this?
Hogan: It's a lecture I have to give every six months — army regulations.
Schultz: I don't believe you.
Hogan: You wanna know what we were really doing?
Schultz: No!
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Klink: What am I going to do?!
Colonel Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
Colonel Klink: The train will blow up?!
Colonel Hogan: Only if you believe. And you better do it quick.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Again.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Once more.
Colonel Klink: I believe! Oh, this is ridiculous.
[Distant explosion.]
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a train blowing up.
Colonel Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
Colonel Klink: The train will blow up?!
Colonel Hogan: Only if you believe. And you better do it quick.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Again.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Once more.
Colonel Klink: I believe! Oh, this is ridiculous.
[Distant explosion.]
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a train blowing up.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Hogan: Remember, the enemy is everywhere.
Sergeant Schultz: Enemy?! Me an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as any prisoner here in this room.
Colonel Hogan: We know that Schultz, and we respect you for it.
Sergeant Schultz: Enemy?! Me an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as any prisoner here in this room.
Colonel Hogan: We know that Schultz, and we respect you for it.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Hogan and the boys are about to blow up a radar tower.]
Hogan: Here we go.
Carter Sir, may I?
Hogan: Of course — where are my manners? These pyromaniacs are so sensitive.
Hogan: Here we go.
Carter Sir, may I?
Hogan: Of course — where are my manners? These pyromaniacs are so sensitive.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Carter and a German scientist who has just defected.]
Carter: Professor, forgive my professional curiousity, but do you think our side will ever make an atomic bomb?
Professor I hope not. It would be noisy. Very noisy.
Carter: Professor, forgive my professional curiousity, but do you think our side will ever make an atomic bomb?
Professor I hope not. It would be noisy. Very noisy.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Klink: No prisoner escapes, not last night, not tonight, not never.
Hogan: You know, that's true.
Colonel Klink: Really?
Hogan: You know, that's true.
Colonel Klink: Really?
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: Even if I say so myself, [chuckles] when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.
Burkhalter: I have never had any trouble resisting you.
Burkhalter: I have never had any trouble resisting you.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Repeated line, whenever Hogan makes a comment.]
Major Hochsetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!
Major Hochsetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
Hogan: Carter...
Hogan: Carter...
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
General Burkhalter: Klink is a magnificent actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Major Hochstetter: Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
Colonel Hogan: How'd that happen?
Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.
Colonel Hogan: How'd that happen?
Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Hogan: What's your defense?
Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try and get him a smaller firing squad.
Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try and get him a smaller firing squad.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[before the court-martial]
Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.
Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Schultz: My Herr Ex-Kommandant!
Klink: What is it, Schultz?
Schultz: I have good news and bad news.
Hogan: Give him the good news first, Schultz.
Schultz: They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.
Klink: That's good news?! What's the bad news?!
Schultz: They're not giving you a blindfold.
Hogan: It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.
Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Klink: Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
Schultz: I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.
Klink: How many volunteered?
Schultz: Seventy-six.
Hogan: How many men do you have?
Schultz: Eighty-two.
Klink: At least six of my men are loyal.
Schultz: No Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.
Hogan: Well that makes it unanimous.
Klink: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!
Schultz: Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.
Klink: What is it, Schultz?
Schultz: I have good news and bad news.
Hogan: Give him the good news first, Schultz.
Schultz: They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.
Klink: That's good news?! What's the bad news?!
Schultz: They're not giving you a blindfold.
Hogan: It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.
Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Klink: Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
Schultz: I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.
Klink: How many volunteered?
Schultz: Seventy-six.
Hogan: How many men do you have?
Schultz: Eighty-two.
Klink: At least six of my men are loyal.
Schultz: No Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.
Hogan: Well that makes it unanimous.
Klink: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!
Schultz: Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general.
Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
Klink: Quite a few.
Hogan: How many have been shot by the Fuerher?
Klink: Quite a few more.
Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general.
Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
Klink: Quite a few.
Hogan: How many have been shot by the Fuerher?
Klink: Quite a few more.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]
LeBeau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?
LeBeau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?
[Hogan is about to say something]
Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.
[Hogan is about to say something]
Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Hogan: Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Carter: Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?
Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?
[Pause]
Carter: Good plan.
Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?
[Pause]
Carter: Good plan.
TV Show: Hogan's Heroes