Dave the Barbarian Quotes
Storyteller: Yea, our heroes do seek the Master of Evolution, going on a long and perilous journey, which is pretty stupid because the Master of Evolution lives right next door to them.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Master of Evolution: You people have no idea how much work it is to evolve something, do you!? I spent a billion years just trying to get something with a spine!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The Royal Family tries to educate Candy via a puppet show.]
Dave: [High-pitched voice.] We're gonna sing about colors!
Dave and Fang: [Singing.] Red and blue and yellow! Red and blue and yellow!
Dave: [High-pitched voice.] We're gonna sing about colors!
Dave and Fang: [Singing.] Red and blue and yellow! Red and blue and yellow!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The Master of Evolution refuses to evolve Candy's body after her family fails at evolving her mind.]
Candy: What if I hang you from tree, and learn you new game called, "Piñata?"
Candy: What if I hang you from tree, and learn you new game called, "Piñata?"
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The Master of Evolution evolves Candy.]
The Master of Evolution: Presto, evolve-o. [Snaps fingers.]
The Master of Evolution: Presto, evolve-o. [Snaps fingers.]
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Oswidge: And you've learned it's not what's on the outside that's beautiful, it's what's on the inside: your heart. And your liver, your gallbladder, and your spleen.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received.]
Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?
Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]
Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.
Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!
Thronktar: Toodle-bye!
Thronktar: Toodle-bye!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.
Dave: Thats a pretty name.
Dave: Thats a pretty name.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
Dave: [Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!
Dave: [Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!
Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?
Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]
Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.
Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]
Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?
Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave "ruins" some houses.]
Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]
Some Kid: [Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...
Some Kid: [Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!
Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.
Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?
Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.
Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Fang: Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. [Family cracks knuckles]
Dave: I like clams.
Dave: I like clams.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave finds out about the final test in the Rite of Pillage.]
Dave: Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out people, here I come!
Dave: Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out people, here I come!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: Mighty is his ink, and flawless his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Fang questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's final grade.]
Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!
Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Candy gripes about ruling as a princess, and points oud that Dave wasn't given "the dumb job."]
Dave: No. But if they had, I would bear the burden with grace, dignity, and style. Also, I'd redo the throne room in a polynesian motif.
Dave: No. But if they had, I would bear the burden with grace, dignity, and style. Also, I'd redo the throne room in a polynesian motif.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave's second proclamation as King.]
Dave: Henceforth, every Saturday will be Udrogoth Spirit Day. All subjects will wear the kingdom's official colors: red, a slightly darker red, and another red a lot like the first one, but more sort of... salmony.
Dave: Henceforth, every Saturday will be Udrogoth Spirit Day. All subjects will wear the kingdom's official colors: red, a slightly darker red, and another red a lot like the first one, but more sort of... salmony.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dinky: I hate your brother's stupid Spirit Day law. Red is so not my color. It makes me look slain.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave proclaims that all cats in the kingdom must be shaved.]
Sentry on the Right: It was going okay until I started shaving his belly.
Sentry on the Left: Yeah, they look pretty cute 'til they get mad, huh?
Sentry on the Right: It was going okay until I started shaving his belly.
Sentry on the Left: Yeah, they look pretty cute 'til they get mad, huh?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian