Dave the Barbarian Quotes
[The Dark Lord Chuckles swallows the Magical Grape, and transforms.]
Chuckles: Ah-hahahaha! Fear the mighty, devastating, bloodthirsty... Kitten? Okay, this is really not what I had in mind.
Chuckles: Ah-hahahaha! Fear the mighty, devastating, bloodthirsty... Kitten? Okay, this is really not what I had in mind.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Chuckles: Ow! Quit it! That stings! Pathetic dragon, I'll defeat you with ease, and- [Faffy flies in to Chuckles' throat] Wow! That was even with more ease than I thought it'd be... with.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Chuckles has been cooked and prepared to be eaten for Faffy.]
Chuckles: I warn you: I'm very high in cholesterol!
[Faffy slobbers and drools at the sight.]
Dave: Don't worry. Faffy won't really eat him. 'Tis but a merry jest! Good night, and drive safely!
Chuckles: I warn you: I'm very high in cholesterol!
[Faffy slobbers and drools at the sight.]
Dave: Don't worry. Faffy won't really eat him. 'Tis but a merry jest! Good night, and drive safely!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dave: Look what I bought! It lets you listen to music wherever you go! They call it: a walkminstrel!
Walkminstrel: [Singing badly] My love is like a red, red rose, but she doesn't smell as good...
Walkminstrel: [Singing badly] My love is like a red, red rose, but she doesn't smell as good...
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dave: What is it!? A spider!? Is something burning!? Is it on me!? I don't see it! Is it invisible!? Are invisible spiders crawling on me and burning!?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Lula reminisces about her first barbarian.]
Lula: We were great together, like mayonnaise and... more mayonnaise... So I like mayonnaise, so what!?
Lula: We were great together, like mayonnaise and... more mayonnaise... So I like mayonnaise, so what!?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[In a flashback where Argon leaves Lula, Argon builds a snowman and uses Lula as the snowman's nose.]
Argon: Woah, rockin' snowman!
Argon: Woah, rockin' snowman!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: Yae, Lula's love still burns with the heat of one hundred suns, and Argon's love for Lula burns with the heat of... not... any... suns... at all.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[The cast tries to comfort Lula after she finds out Argon has a new sword]
Fang: Ah, the guy's a weenie. You deserve better, Lula.
Candy: Yeah, and I thought his new sword looked kinda cheep.
Dave: Seriously, that tight scabbard left nothing to the imagination.
Fang: Ah, the guy's a weenie. You deserve better, Lula.
Candy: Yeah, and I thought his new sword looked kinda cheep.
Dave: Seriously, that tight scabbard left nothing to the imagination.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Candy: Okay, so we'll skip to the girliest of girly things: manipulating boys. [Pulls out "Barbarian Teen Magazine"] In my hands, I hold the key to winning Argon's heart. An article in Barbarian Teen Magazine.
Lula: "How to Bag Your Buff Barbarian Beef Boy." Classy.
Lula: "How to Bag Your Buff Barbarian Beef Boy." Classy.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Argon comes to Castle Udrogoth to ask for Lula back.]
Lula: Dave, here's my two weeks notice. I quit as of two weeks ago. See ya!
Lula: Dave, here's my two weeks notice. I quit as of two weeks ago. See ya!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: Meanwhile, without his sword, Dave is feeling a bit naked.
Fang: [Pulling a curtain that Dave is hiding behind] Dave, quit acting naked!
Fang: [Pulling a curtain that Dave is hiding behind] Dave, quit acting naked!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave, in disguise, delivers a fake sword to Argon]
Dave: Special delivery for, um, Mr. Ageless.
Argon: Who's it, like, from?
Dave: [Voice cracking] The queen! Of... Queen... Land.
Dave: Special delivery for, um, Mr. Ageless.
Argon: Who's it, like, from?
Dave: [Voice cracking] The queen! Of... Queen... Land.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Lula tries to get Argon to forget about the fake sword]
Argon: Beat it you hunk of tin! I got a shiny, pointy, new sword!
Argon: Beat it you hunk of tin! I got a shiny, pointy, new sword!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Lula: We've had a little fun with dental hygiene today, but it's no laughing matter.
Dave: So be sure to brush and floss after every meal. Otherwise, evil tooth decay goblins will move into your mouth and play loud polka music day and night.
Lula: Thanks for listening, and remember [shouting] stay in school!
Dave: So be sure to brush and floss after every meal. Otherwise, evil tooth decay goblins will move into your mouth and play loud polka music day and night.
Lula: Thanks for listening, and remember [shouting] stay in school!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dave: Um, excuse me. I ordered a book: "The Complete Poetic Works of Ped Xing?"
Elderly Clerk: Ped Xing!? [Screams.] That's the worst stuff ever written! Thirty years ago, I read one of his poems, and I've been blind ever since.
Dave: Well, I-I'm sorry you-
Numb Clerk: And my left arm is completely numb.
Dave: Well, I'm-
Elderly Clerk: And I lost both my legs.
Dave: [Looking under a table] Bu-but, you have legs.
Elderly Clerk: Oh, I found them eventually. Down in the sofa cushions.
Elderly Clerk: Ped Xing!? [Screams.] That's the worst stuff ever written! Thirty years ago, I read one of his poems, and I've been blind ever since.
Dave: Well, I-I'm sorry you-
Numb Clerk: And my left arm is completely numb.
Dave: Well, I'm-
Elderly Clerk: And I lost both my legs.
Dave: [Looking under a table] Bu-but, you have legs.
Elderly Clerk: Oh, I found them eventually. Down in the sofa cushions.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Elderly Clerk: Ah! The book! The book! Heaven help us, the book! Yeah, I sold it two minutes ago.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Princess Irmoplotz of Hyrogoth introduces herself to Dave]
Dave: Hyrogoth, ye-ah, yeah. I-I hear Hyrogoth. It has a lot of, ah, Daisies. There. In... Hyrogoth. [Thinking to himself.] How could I say anything so stupid!? Say something smart! Something Smart! [Speaking to Irmoplotz again.] I'm allergic to daisies, I get this terrible oozing rash- Oop!
Dave: Hyrogoth, ye-ah, yeah. I-I hear Hyrogoth. It has a lot of, ah, Daisies. There. In... Hyrogoth. [Thinking to himself.] How could I say anything so stupid!? Say something smart! Something Smart! [Speaking to Irmoplotz again.] I'm allergic to daisies, I get this terrible oozing rash- Oop!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
[Dave and Irmoplotz talk about macrame owls.]
Dave: I call this one "Mr. Hooty!"
Irmoplotz: And I call mine "Sir Hootsworth McHootington the Third!"
Dave: I call this one "Mr. Hooty!"
Irmoplotz: And I call mine "Sir Hootsworth McHootington the Third!"
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dave: Well, she's smart, and beautiful, and, uh, [chuckling] she says the funniest things, like, "I will conquer the world," and "Evil must triumph over good," you know, that kinda thing.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Dave: Oh, I see. Just 'cause she has a diabolical laugh, and commands legions of horrible zombies, and has "Evil Princess" embroidered on all of her hankies, you assume she's evil. That's so shallow!
Lula: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it was stupid, too!
Lula: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it was stupid, too!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Narrator: Later, in Irmoplotz's evil castle.
Zonthara: Who is there?
Irmoplotz: Irmoplotz.
Zonthara: Irmoplotz who?
Irmoplotz: Mom, enough with the knock-knock jokes already!
Zonthara: What news did you bring for... ZONTHARA! EMPRESS OF EVIL!
Irmoplotz: I had another relationship date with Dave.
Zonthara: And have you told him that you are sworn to serve evil?!
Irmoplotz: Well... Not exactly.
Zonthara: PRINCESS IRMOPLOTZ! You can't base your relationship on dishonesty. If he really loves you, he'll love you for who you are, honey.
Irmoplotz: I guess.
Zonthara: And if he doesn't, you could always use your magic powers to make his head explode!
Zonthara: Who is there?
Irmoplotz: Irmoplotz.
Zonthara: Irmoplotz who?
Irmoplotz: Mom, enough with the knock-knock jokes already!
Zonthara: What news did you bring for... ZONTHARA! EMPRESS OF EVIL!
Irmoplotz: I had another relationship date with Dave.
Zonthara: And have you told him that you are sworn to serve evil?!
Irmoplotz: Well... Not exactly.
Zonthara: PRINCESS IRMOPLOTZ! You can't base your relationship on dishonesty. If he really loves you, he'll love you for who you are, honey.
Irmoplotz: I guess.
Zonthara: And if he doesn't, you could always use your magic powers to make his head explode!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Irmoplotz: I do all the evil things: destroy civilizations, torment innocent people, return library books... late.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Irmoplotz: Dating rule number one: never break up with an evil princess!
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Storyteller: And so Princess Irmoplotz does send an army of indestructible filthy pixies to destroy Udrogoth.
Fang: [Gasps] They're indestructible!
Storyteller: Yes, I... Just said that.
Fang: [Gasps] They're indestructible!
Storyteller: Yes, I... Just said that.
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian
Irmaplotz: So Dave, if we cannot be together, you...will...pay! Mwahahahaha!!!
Dave: [amused] You're mad at me, aren't you?
Dave: [amused] You're mad at me, aren't you?
TV Show: Dave the Barbarian