Boston Legal Quotes
Denny: You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'
Alan: Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?
Denny: I'd probably take him fishing.
Alan: Indeed.
Denny: He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.
Alan: Indeed again.
Alan: Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?
Denny: I'd probably take him fishing.
Alan: Indeed.
Denny: He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.
Alan: Indeed again.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Now, don't go knocking fat chicks! I love chubby-sex. [looks over at the female judge] I'm sure Your Honor does.
TV Show: Boston Legal
"Pro-Ana" Lawyer: I guess we'll see each other in court.
Denny: [under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.
Denny: [under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: [closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Alan: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at w
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Alan: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at w
TV Show: Boston Legal
Douglas Karnes: Christians believe that Jesus will come again. Are they all nuts?
Alan: Most.
Alan: Most.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: What are you looking for? Serious relationship?
Alan: Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.
Denny: You're damn right!
Alan: Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.
Denny: You're damn right!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: Are you okay?
Denise: It's just that ever since Daniel died, I... All I can think about is...
Shirley: Yeah.
Denise: Sex. [Shirley looks startled] I walk down the street anything I pass in pants...I wanna have sex!
Shirley: Oh.
Denise: I'm not kidding, Shirley. I wanna screw anybody and everybody. Denny Crane is looking good to me right now.
Denise: It's just that ever since Daniel died, I... All I can think about is...
Shirley: Yeah.
Denise: Sex. [Shirley looks startled] I walk down the street anything I pass in pants...I wanna have sex!
Shirley: Oh.
Denise: I'm not kidding, Shirley. I wanna screw anybody and everybody. Denny Crane is looking good to me right now.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I must admit that the idea of a mother-daughter ménage à twaddle.
Alan: I think you mean trois.
Alan: I think you mean trois.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jeffrey: Denny. Seen Shirley?
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: She was gonna meet me.
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: We had some business to discuss.
Denny: What sort of business?
Jeffrey: The kind that wasn't yours, actually.
Denny: I told Alan, I'm telling you. Stay away from Shirley.
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: She was gonna meet me.
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: We had some business to discuss.
Denny: What sort of business?
Jeffrey: The kind that wasn't yours, actually.
Denny: I told Alan, I'm telling you. Stay away from Shirley.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Renee: She loved me.
Alan: Well, you made her laugh.
Renee: I'm funny.
Alan: Are you telling me this handwritten will is valid?
Shelby: Completely. It turns out Ms. Winger is also a lawyer.
Renee: The plot thickens.
Alan: Well, you made her laugh.
Renee: I'm funny.
Alan: Are you telling me this handwritten will is valid?
Shelby: Completely. It turns out Ms. Winger is also a lawyer.
Renee: The plot thickens.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: When you came here I made one request, Jeffrey. One simple request, "Don't step on toes." Silly me for not adding, "Don't punch jaws."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jeffrey: Bit of a weak stream you got going there. Get your prostate checked?
Brad: What did you say to me?
Jeffrey: Never mind.
Brad: So what? You're gonna make fun of my flow now?
Jeffrey: I'm sorry. It just seems a little lackluster. I would think a Marine would be a little more 'Hup To'. You gonna hit me, Brad?
Brad: Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you? For me to sink to your level.
Brad: What did you say to me?
Jeffrey: Never mind.
Brad: So what? You're gonna make fun of my flow now?
Jeffrey: I'm sorry. It just seems a little lackluster. I would think a Marine would be a little more 'Hup To'. You gonna hit me, Brad?
Brad: Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you? For me to sink to your level.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: [to Claire] You said I'd like him. He's an attention-starved wacko fairy. He couldn't kill anyone.
Lincoln: I heard that! I'm getting tired of you, Large Marge. You remind me of Mr. Dirty Mouth. That's what you do.
Lincoln: I heard that! I'm getting tired of you, Large Marge. You remind me of Mr. Dirty Mouth. That's what you do.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denise: Excuse me. [drags Alan away] I just wanted to tell you that what you said to me last night was truly...disgusting.
Alan: Hm. And I assure you, Denise, I'm a man of my word.
Alan: Hm. And I assure you, Denise, I'm a man of my word.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.
Denise: Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
Alan: All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.
Denise: Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
Alan: All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Detective Spindle: What's the infield fly rule?
Lincoln: I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?
Denny: [to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.
Claire: [deadpan] Really?
Lincoln: I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?
Denny: [to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.
Claire: [deadpan] Really?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Shirley. I happen to know sometimes grief can trigger the libido. It's got something to do with death causing a biological need to propagate the species. Evidently after 9-11, people were running around like rabbits.
Denise: Really? I did not know that.
Alan: If I could ever be of service...to help you cope.
Denise: Really? I did not know that.
Alan: If I could ever be of service...to help you cope.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Well. Shall we pick up where we left off, my little friend?
Bethany: Forget it.
Denny: Why?
Bethany: Because one of the rules I try to follow in my social life is, 'don't date guys who slept with my mother.'
Bethany: Forget it.
Denny: Why?
Bethany: Because one of the rules I try to follow in my social life is, 'don't date guys who slept with my mother.'
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Erica, before I pick up the phone, is there anything else I need to know?
Erica: Like?
Alan: Anything that could be construed as relevant.
Erica: Well. We were lovers.
[Jerry squeals]
Alan: That would be relevant.
Erica: Like?
Alan: Anything that could be construed as relevant.
Erica: Well. We were lovers.
[Jerry squeals]
Alan: That would be relevant.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jerry: My client proceeded to go hiking without her and returned, there was her friend hanging around the house. And when I say hanging, Alan, I mean like a pinata.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Bethany: I can get by that you're old. I can get by that you're old and gross. I can't get by that you had a history with my mother.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Gotta remember: Before I open my mouth, always look both ways for midgets.
Alan: [chuckles] That's a good policy.
Alan: [chuckles] That's a good policy.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: When is the trial?
Alan: Next Tuesday.
Denny: Really? What time?
Alan: 10.
Alan: Next Tuesday.
Denny: Really? What time?
Alan: 10.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: You do realize that I am significantly older than you are.
Jeffrey: Then be my significantly older other.
Jeffrey: Then be my significantly older other.
TV Show: Boston Legal