Blackadder Quotes
[Blackadder has just had the Bishop painted in bed with Percy, and is now using it to blackmail him]
Bishop of Bath and Wells: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!
Blackadder: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
Blackadder: No, I could never get used to the underwear.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!
Blackadder: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
Blackadder: No, I could never get used to the underwear.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best!
Percy: Beshrew me, Blackadder! You're in good fooling this morning!
Blackadder: Don't say 'Beshrew me', Percy. Only stupid actors say 'Beshrew me'.
Percy: Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth; I was the Man of a Thousand Faces!
Blackadder: How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
Percy: [laughs] Tush, my lord!
Blackadder: And don't say 'Tush', either! It's only a short step from 'Tush' to 'Hey nonny nonny', and then I'm afraid I shall have to call the police!
Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best!
Percy: Beshrew me, Blackadder! You're in good fooling this morning!
Blackadder: Don't say 'Beshrew me', Percy. Only stupid actors say 'Beshrew me'.
Percy: Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth; I was the Man of a Thousand Faces!
Blackadder: How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
Percy: [laughs] Tush, my lord!
Blackadder: And don't say 'Tush', either! It's only a short step from 'Tush' to 'Hey nonny nonny', and then I'm afraid I shall have to call the police!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder – the two most fanatical puritans in England – have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
Percy: But aren't they the most frightful bores?!
Blackadder: Yep. But they have one great redeeming feature: their wallets! More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult to get your hands on!
Percy: But aren't they the most frightful bores?!
Blackadder: Yep. But they have one great redeeming feature: their wallets! More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult to get your hands on!
TV Show: Blackadder
Queenie: Edmund, quick, quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Blackadder: Well yes, of course. Some sort of celebration!
Blackadder: Well yes, of course. Some sort of celebration!
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria, when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the gardens of Hampton Court, singing "I'm Merlin, the Happy Pig!"
TV Show: Blackadder
[Queen Elizabeth has a lot of good ideas.]
Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick.
[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said "Get the door."
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!
[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said "Get the door."
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder is trying to get out of the party]
Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder: [angrily] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queenie: [coyly] Oh Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face!
Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder: [angrily] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queenie: [coyly] Oh Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] I wish to quickly send off some party invitations. And to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood. Your blood, to be precise.
Baldrick: So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, my lord?
Blackadder: Oh, nothing much, just a small puddle.
Baldrick: Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg, for instance?
Blackadder: Oh, good lord, no. A little prick should do.
Baldrick: Very well, my lord. I am your bondsman, and must obey. (sticks a knife down his trousers and begins sawing)
Blackadder: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! I meant a little prick on your finger!
Baldrick: I haven't got one there!
Baldrick: So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, my lord?
Blackadder: Oh, nothing much, just a small puddle.
Baldrick: Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg, for instance?
Blackadder: Oh, good lord, no. A little prick should do.
Baldrick: Very well, my lord. I am your bondsman, and must obey. (sticks a knife down his trousers and begins sawing)
Blackadder: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! I meant a little prick on your finger!
Baldrick: I haven't got one there!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: If you'd like to help yourself to a legacy- I mean a chair!
Lady Whiteadder: Chair!? You have chairs in your house!?
Blackadder: Oh yes.
Lady Whiteadder: [slaps him twice] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
Blackadder: And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder: [with a malicious smile] I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance! I will suffer comfort this once; we shall just have to stick forks in our legs between courses!
Lady Whiteadder: Chair!? You have chairs in your house!?
Blackadder: Oh yes.
Lady Whiteadder: [slaps him twice] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
Blackadder: And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder: [with a malicious smile] I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance! I will suffer comfort this once; we shall just have to stick forks in our legs between courses!
TV Show: Blackadder
[After hearing the boozers hammer on the door]
Lady Whiteadder: Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests?
Blackadder: Oh, certainly not!
Lady Whiteadder: Good! For where there are other guests, there are people to fornicate with!
Blackadder: Err, quite. I'll just go and tell them to... fornicate off.
Lady Whiteadder: Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests?
Blackadder: Oh, certainly not!
Lady Whiteadder: Good! For where there are other guests, there are people to fornicate with!
Blackadder: Err, quite. I'll just go and tell them to... fornicate off.
TV Show: Blackadder
[Edmund walks in with a pair of false breasts on. Percy makes coughing noises to try and alert him to this fact]
Blackadder: Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy...of the brain.
Lady Whiteadder: What he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!
[Blackadder looks down, notices the breasts and places them around his head]
Blackadder: Oh my god, my ear muffs have fallen down! Would you like a pair, it's getting rather cold?
Lady Whiteadder: No, thank you! Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!
Blackadder: Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy...of the brain.
Lady Whiteadder: What he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!
[Blackadder looks down, notices the breasts and places them around his head]
Blackadder: Oh my god, my ear muffs have fallen down! Would you like a pair, it's getting rather cold?
Lady Whiteadder: No, thank you! Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: How are we getting on?
Lady Whiteadder: Not good. Let us discuss your inheritance.
Blackadder: Oh good. Drink, first?
Lady Whiteadder: Drink!? [slaps him twice] Wicked child! Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!
Blackadder: This is only water. This is a house of simple purity.
[A drunken Monk bursts into Blackadder's Puritan dinner, vomits in the fireplace and staggers out]
Monk: GREAT BOOZE-UP, EDMUND! [There is an awkward silence]
Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
Blackadder: [looking behind him for another man] No.
Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund.
Blackadder: Oh, know him! Oh yes, I do.
Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "Great booze-up?"
[Very long pause, as Blackadder thinks]
Blackadder: [haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary... And on his last visit abroad... Brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe... His name is Great Bu... He's been suffering from sleeping sickness... And he's obviously just woken... Because, as you heard, "Great Bu's up."
Percy: [almost suffocating from holding his breath] Well done, Edmund.
Blackadder: [getting up] And I think I'd better go and visit him. Perce, over to you.
Lady Whiteadder: Not good. Let us discuss your inheritance.
Blackadder: Oh good. Drink, first?
Lady Whiteadder: Drink!? [slaps him twice] Wicked child! Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!
Blackadder: This is only water. This is a house of simple purity.
[A drunken Monk bursts into Blackadder's Puritan dinner, vomits in the fireplace and staggers out]
Monk: GREAT BOOZE-UP, EDMUND! [There is an awkward silence]
Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
Blackadder: [looking behind him for another man] No.
Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund.
Blackadder: Oh, know him! Oh yes, I do.
Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "Great booze-up?"
[Very long pause, as Blackadder thinks]
Blackadder: [haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary... And on his last visit abroad... Brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe... His name is Great Bu... He's been suffering from sleeping sickness... And he's obviously just woken... Because, as you heard, "Great Bu's up."
Percy: [almost suffocating from holding his breath] Well done, Edmund.
Blackadder: [getting up] And I think I'd better go and visit him. Perce, over to you.
TV Show: Blackadder
Queenie: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach...of a concrete elephant!
Partridge: Prove it!
Queenie: Certainly will! [picks up a tankard] First I'm going to have a little drinky...and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you!
Partridge: Prove it!
Queenie: Certainly will! [picks up a tankard] First I'm going to have a little drinky...and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [drunk and singing] "See the little goblin, see his little feet, and his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet?"
TV Show: Blackadder
Lady Whiteadder: [drunk] Luck! Wahey! Get it?!
All: Uh, no.
Lady Whiteadder: Oh come on! LUCK! Sounds almost exactly like f-!
[The episode ends]
All: Uh, no.
Lady Whiteadder: Oh come on! LUCK! Sounds almost exactly like f-!
[The episode ends]
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we: they play with us for their sport!
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: Let's play a word game.
Blackadder: Okay, make a sentence out of the following words: Face. Sodding. Your. Shut.
Blackadder: Okay, make a sentence out of the following words: Face. Sodding. Your. Shut.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?
Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
Blackadder: I mean, all this ranting and raving about power. There must be some reason for it.
Prince Ludwig: Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year--
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again!
Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
Blackadder: I mean, all this ranting and raving about power. There must be some reason for it.
Prince Ludwig: Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year--
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation!
TV Show: Blackadder
Queen: Did you miss me, Edmund?
Blackadder: Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.
Queen: [confused] Explain...?
Blackadder: Pointless.
Blackadder: Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.
Queen: [confused] Explain...?
Blackadder: Pointless.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"...Baldrick. First name?
Baldrick: Er... I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod-Off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick." And they'd say "Yes, we know: Sod-Off Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, "Mr S. Baldrick." Now then, "Distinguishing features".... None.
Baldrick: Hold on. I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now, "Any history of insanity in the family?"... Tell you what. I'll cross out the "in." "Any history of sanity in the family?" ... None whatsoever. Now, "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! Look, I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy".
Baldrick: Er... I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod-Off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick." And they'd say "Yes, we know: Sod-Off Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, "Mr S. Baldrick." Now then, "Distinguishing features".... None.
Baldrick: Hold on. I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now, "Any history of insanity in the family?"... Tell you what. I'll cross out the "in." "Any history of sanity in the family?" ... None whatsoever. Now, "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! Look, I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy".
TV Show: Blackadder
[Prince George believes William Pitt the Younger to be a schoolboy]
Blackadder: Mr. Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
George: [in disbelief] Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?!
Pitt: I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.
George: ... Eh?
Blackadder: Um, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we do have some lovely jelly in the pantry. I don't know if you'd be interested at all?
Pitt: Don't patronise me, you lower-middle class yobbo! [quietly] What flavour is it?
Blackadder: Blackcurrant.
Pitt: EURGH!
George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me! I remember when I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, tell them to bend over and use them for a toast-rack!
Pitt: You don't surprise me, sir. I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the big, cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. But since that day, I have been busy every hour God sends, working to become Prime Minister and to fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it!
Blackadder: I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet...!
Pitt: You will regret this, gentlemen! You think you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince by fixing the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election. But you will be thrashed! I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you!
Blackadder: [smugly] Oh, and which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye? [Pitt glares at him]
Pitt: Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich at the Congress of Strasburg: "Pooh to you with knobs on!" We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings! [he storms out]
George: I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit! He's not going to win, is he?
Blackadder: Mr. Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
George: [in disbelief] Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?!
Pitt: I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.
George: ... Eh?
Blackadder: Um, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we do have some lovely jelly in the pantry. I don't know if you'd be interested at all?
Pitt: Don't patronise me, you lower-middle class yobbo! [quietly] What flavour is it?
Blackadder: Blackcurrant.
Pitt: EURGH!
George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me! I remember when I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, tell them to bend over and use them for a toast-rack!
Pitt: You don't surprise me, sir. I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the big, cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. But since that day, I have been busy every hour God sends, working to become Prime Minister and to fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it!
Blackadder: I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet...!
Pitt: You will regret this, gentlemen! You think you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince by fixing the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election. But you will be thrashed! I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you!
Blackadder: [smugly] Oh, and which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye? [Pitt glares at him]
Pitt: Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich at the Congress of Strasburg: "Pooh to you with knobs on!" We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings! [he storms out]
George: I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit! He's not going to win, is he?
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder opens the door to Pitt]'
Blackadder: Well, well, well, if it isn't the Lord Privy Toast-rack! Pull up a muffin, sit yourself down!
Pitt: You don't like me, do you, Mr. Blackadder?
Blackadder: [triumphant] Well, nobody likes a loser.
Pitt: Oh, then that must be why nobody likes you.
Blackadder: [caught offguard] What?!
Pitt: You lost the vote. Your monkey obligingly voted for us.
Blackadder: Oh, God... If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start!
Blackadder: Well, well, well, if it isn't the Lord Privy Toast-rack! Pull up a muffin, sit yourself down!
Pitt: You don't like me, do you, Mr. Blackadder?
Blackadder: [triumphant] Well, nobody likes a loser.
Pitt: Oh, then that must be why nobody likes you.
Blackadder: [caught offguard] What?!
Pitt: You lost the vote. Your monkey obligingly voted for us.
Blackadder: Oh, God... If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: How could I have been so stupid?! Goodbye Millionaires' Row, hello Room 12 of the Budleigh Salterton Twilight Resthome for the Terminally Short of Cash!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: I've got a plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, and I've just broken a priceless turnip. [there is a loud banging at the door] And now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant! All I can say, Baldrick, is this: it's the last time I dabble in politics!
TV Show: Blackadder
Prince George: [waking suddenly] Oh, Blackadder! BLACKADDER! [Blackadder walks in]
Blackadder: Your Highness?
Prince George: What time is it!?
Blackadder: Three o'clock in the afternoon, sire.
Prince George: [relieved] Oh thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept!
Blackadder: I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?
Prince George: Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Blackadder: Oh. An absurd suggestion, sir.
Prince George: You're right, it is absurd.
Blackadder: Unless this was a particularly stupid donkey.
Blackadder: Your Highness?
Prince George: What time is it!?
Blackadder: Three o'clock in the afternoon, sire.
Prince George: [relieved] Oh thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept!
Blackadder: I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?
Prince George: Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Blackadder: Oh. An absurd suggestion, sir.
Prince George: You're right, it is absurd.
Blackadder: Unless this was a particularly stupid donkey.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [about the dictionary] It's the most pointless book since "How to Learn French"... was translated into French.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: We are going to go to Mrs. Miggins', we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then you are going to steal it.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick!
Baldrick: But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil... if we cannot replace this dictionary.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick!
Baldrick: But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil... if we cannot replace this dictionary.
TV Show: Blackadder