Blackadder Quotes
Shelley: Oh lovelorn ecstasy that is Mrs Miggins, wilt thou bring me one cup of the browned juices of that naughty bean we call coffee, ere I die?
Mrs Miggins: [giggles] Oh, you've a way with words about you, Mr Shelley.
Byron: To hell with his fine talking; COFFEE, WOMAN! [coughs] My consumption grows ever more acute and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off!
Mrs Miggins: [giggles] Oh, you've a way with words about you, Mr Shelley.
Byron: To hell with his fine talking; COFFEE, WOMAN! [coughs] My consumption grows ever more acute and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off!
TV Show: Blackadder
Byron: Be quiet, sir! Can't you see we're dying!?
Mrs Miggins: Don't mind my poets, Mr B.; they're not dead, they're just being intellectual.
Blackadder: Mrs Miggins, there is nothing intellectual about wandering round Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid!
Mrs Miggins: Don't mind my poets, Mr B.; they're not dead, they're just being intellectual.
Blackadder: Mrs Miggins, there is nothing intellectual about wandering round Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald, Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald, Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Baldrick, fetch my novel.
Baldrick: Novel?
Blackadder: Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string.
Baldrick: What, like the thing we burnt?
Blackadder: Exactly like the thing we burnt.
Baldrick: So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string, exactly like the thing we burnt.
Blackadder: Exactly.
Baldrick: We burnt it!
Blackadder: So we did. Thank you, Baldrick; seven years of my life up in smoke. Your Highness, I wonder if I might have a moment.
Prince George: By all means. [Blackadder leaves the room]
Blackadder: [from outside, horrified] OH GOD, NO! [re-enters the room, calmly] Thank you sir.
Dr Johnson: Burnt, you say? That's most unfortunate. A burnt novel is like a burnt dog...
Blackadder: OH SHUT UP!
Baldrick: Novel?
Blackadder: Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string.
Baldrick: What, like the thing we burnt?
Blackadder: Exactly like the thing we burnt.
Baldrick: So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string, exactly like the thing we burnt.
Blackadder: Exactly.
Baldrick: We burnt it!
Blackadder: So we did. Thank you, Baldrick; seven years of my life up in smoke. Your Highness, I wonder if I might have a moment.
Prince George: By all means. [Blackadder leaves the room]
Blackadder: [from outside, horrified] OH GOD, NO! [re-enters the room, calmly] Thank you sir.
Dr Johnson: Burnt, you say? That's most unfortunate. A burnt novel is like a burnt dog...
Blackadder: OH SHUT UP!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years.
Prince George: Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
Prince George: Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Leaving already Doctor? Not staying for your pendistitatury interlude?
Dr Johnson: No sir show me out!
Blackadder: Certainly, anything i can do to facilitate your velocitous extramurilisation
Dr Johnson: No sir show me out!
Blackadder: Certainly, anything i can do to facilitate your velocitous extramurilisation
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: If I don't think of something, tomorrow we die – which I have to tell you, Baldrick, I have no intention of doing! I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm going deaf!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Morning, Mrs Miggins.
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur.
Blackadder: [disgusted] What?
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur. It's French.
Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us!
Mrs Miggins: But French is all the fashion! My coffee shop is full of Frenchies, and it's all because of that wonderfulScarlet Pimpernel!
Blackadder: The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful, Mrs Miggins. There is no reason whatsoever to admire someone for filling London with a bunch of garlic-chewing French toffs, crying "Oh-la-la" and looking for sympathy all the time just cos their fathers had their heads cut off! I'll have a cup of coffee, and some shepherd's pie.
Mrs Miggins: Oh, we don't serve pies any more! My French clientèle consider pies uncouth!
Blackadder: I hardly think a nation who eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness!
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur.
Blackadder: [disgusted] What?
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur. It's French.
Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us!
Mrs Miggins: But French is all the fashion! My coffee shop is full of Frenchies, and it's all because of that wonderfulScarlet Pimpernel!
Blackadder: The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful, Mrs Miggins. There is no reason whatsoever to admire someone for filling London with a bunch of garlic-chewing French toffs, crying "Oh-la-la" and looking for sympathy all the time just cos their fathers had their heads cut off! I'll have a cup of coffee, and some shepherd's pie.
Mrs Miggins: Oh, we don't serve pies any more! My French clientèle consider pies uncouth!
Blackadder: I hardly think a nation who eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [about the Scarlet Pimpernel] What has this fellow done, apart from pop over to France to rescue a few aristocratic toffs from the ineffectual clutches of some malnourished, whinging lefties, taking the opportunity while there, no doubt, to pick up some really cheap wine and some of their marvellous fruit flans?! Has everyone forgotten?! We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt?! Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Ah, his Royal Highness, the Pinhead of Wales, summons. And you know, I almost feel well disposed towards him today. Utter chump though he may be, at least he's not French!
TV Show: Blackadder
Prince George: [wanting to come to France] I want to look my best for those fabulous French birds!
Blackadder: Sir, the women currently favoured in France are toothless crones who just cackle insanely.
Prince George: Oh, ignore that, they're just playing hard to get!
Blackadder: By removing all their teeth, going mad and aging forty years?
Prince George: Like I said! The little teasers!
Blackadder: Sir, the women currently favoured in France are toothless crones who just cackle insanely.
Prince George: Oh, ignore that, they're just playing hard to get!
Blackadder: By removing all their teeth, going mad and aging forty years?
Prince George: Like I said! The little teasers!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: The Ancient Greeks wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it "Pandora's Box", when, of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers".
Baldrick: It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that!
Blackadder: We are told that, when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness and misfortune because of Pandora's fatal curiosity. [to Baldrick] I charge you now, Baldrick: for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein!
Baldrick: It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that!
Blackadder: We are told that, when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness and misfortune because of Pandora's fatal curiosity. [to Baldrick] I charge you now, Baldrick: for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [about to head to France to rescue an aristocrat] If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her I've been alive all the time, I just can't be bothered to get in touch with the old bat!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Instead of France, Blackadder and Baldrick go down to Blackadder's quarters]
Blackadder: Right! Stick the kettle on, Balders.
Baldrick: [confused] What, aren't we going to France?
Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France; it's incredibly dangerous there!
Baldrick: But how are you going to win your bet?
Blackadder: As usual, Baldrick: by use of the large and wonderful thing between my ears.
Baldrick: Oh, your nose.
Blackadder: [annoyed] No, Baldrick, my brain. All we need to do is lie low here for a week, go to Mrs Miggins, pick up any French toff, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball and collect our thousand guineas!
Baldrick: But what if the Prince finds us here?
Blackadder: He couldn't find his flybutton, let alone the kitchen door!
Blackadder: Right! Stick the kettle on, Balders.
Baldrick: [confused] What, aren't we going to France?
Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France; it's incredibly dangerous there!
Baldrick: But how are you going to win your bet?
Blackadder: As usual, Baldrick: by use of the large and wonderful thing between my ears.
Baldrick: Oh, your nose.
Blackadder: [annoyed] No, Baldrick, my brain. All we need to do is lie low here for a week, go to Mrs Miggins, pick up any French toff, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball and collect our thousand guineas!
Baldrick: But what if the Prince finds us here?
Blackadder: He couldn't find his flybutton, let alone the kitchen door!
TV Show: Blackadder
[There is a loud banging from upstairs]
Baldrick: What do you think that was?
Blackadder: Well, if I was feeling malicious, I would say it was the Prince, still trying to put his trousers on after a week.
[Upstairs, the Prince struggles around with his trousers on his head]
Prince George: DAMMIT!!!
Baldrick: What do you think that was?
Blackadder: Well, if I was feeling malicious, I would say it was the Prince, still trying to put his trousers on after a week.
[Upstairs, the Prince struggles around with his trousers on his head]
Prince George: DAMMIT!!!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: How would you like to earn some money?
Comte de Frou-Frou: I would not like to earn it. I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me. Just like in France in the good old days!
Blackadder: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days!
Comte de Frou-Frou: Oh how I would love that. I hate this life; the food is filthy! This huge sausage [points to his dinner] is very suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a—
Blackadder: Yes, yes, all right.
Comte de Frou-Frou: I would not like to earn it. I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me. Just like in France in the good old days!
Blackadder: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days!
Comte de Frou-Frou: Oh how I would love that. I hate this life; the food is filthy! This huge sausage [points to his dinner] is very suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a—
Blackadder: Yes, yes, all right.
TV Show: Blackadder
Comte de Frou-Frou: Have no fear, the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us!
Blackadder: Ha! Some hope - he's the most overrated human begin since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
Blackadder: Ha! Some hope - he's the most overrated human begin since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing.
Blackadder: Yup. It's another world-beater!
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?
Baldrick: Exactly! You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard and then out the gate?
Blackadder: [haltingly] Yyyyyyyeah...?
Baldrick: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round, out the gate, and escape! What do you think?
Blackadder: My opinions are rather difficult to express in words, Baldrick. So perhaps I can put it this way... [tweaks Baldrick's nose]
Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing.
Blackadder: Yup. It's another world-beater!
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?
Baldrick: Exactly! You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard and then out the gate?
Blackadder: [haltingly] Yyyyyyyeah...?
Baldrick: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round, out the gate, and escape! What do you think?
Blackadder: My opinions are rather difficult to express in words, Baldrick. So perhaps I can put it this way... [tweaks Baldrick's nose]
TV Show: Blackadder
Baldrick: I couldn't sleep when I was little.
Blackadder: You still are little, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see, we used to live in this big haunted hovel. Every night, my parents were troubled by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul. It was terrible. First there was this unholy smell, and then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialize in the bed between them.
Blackadder: [absolutely disgusted] Yyyyyes... Tell me, Baldrick, when you gave up searching, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
Baldrick: That very day.
Blackadder: I think then that the mystery is solved. Now, either you leave me alone to think of a plan, or tomorrow we meet our maker – in my case, God; in your case, God-knows... but I'd be surprised if he won any design awards.
Blackadder: You still are little, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see, we used to live in this big haunted hovel. Every night, my parents were troubled by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul. It was terrible. First there was this unholy smell, and then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialize in the bed between them.
Blackadder: [absolutely disgusted] Yyyyyes... Tell me, Baldrick, when you gave up searching, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
Baldrick: That very day.
Blackadder: I think then that the mystery is solved. Now, either you leave me alone to think of a plan, or tomorrow we meet our maker – in my case, God; in your case, God-knows... but I'd be surprised if he won any design awards.
TV Show: Blackadder
[After the Prince is nearly blown up by an assassin]
George: I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave! And unexpected as well! I mean, why on earth would an anarchist want to kill you?
Blackadder: I think it was you he was after, sir.
George: Oh, hogwash! What makes you think that?
Blackadder: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince!"
George: I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave! And unexpected as well! I mean, why on earth would an anarchist want to kill you?
Blackadder: I think it was you he was after, sir.
George: Oh, hogwash! What makes you think that?
Blackadder: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince!"
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: These are volatile times, Your Highness. The War of Independence lost your father the overseas colonies, the French Revolution murdered the brave King Louis, and there are now tremendous rumblings in Prussia – although that might actually have something to do with the sausages. The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie!"
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone!
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone!
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [to Mrs. Miggins] They do say, Mrs. Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head!
TV Show: Blackadder
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?...And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.
Blackadder: Really?...And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.
TV Show: Blackadder
[Everytime the word "Macbeth" is used]
Keanrick and Mossop: [making strange movements] AARGH! Hot potato off his drawers, Puck will make amends! [They pinch each-other's noses] AAAH!
Keanrick and Mossop: [making strange movements] AARGH! Hot potato off his drawers, Puck will make amends! [They pinch each-other's noses] AAAH!
TV Show: Blackadder
[George is standing with his legs wide apart]
Keanrick: Your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness!"
Blackadder: Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."
Keanrick: Your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness!"
Blackadder: Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."
TV Show: Blackadder
[Prince George has been insulting Blackadder throughout the episode]
Blackadder: All I'm saying is, he'd better watch out! (holds up a milk-jug) One more foot wrong from him, and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug!
Baldrick: But that milk-jug isn't broken.
Blackadder: You really do walk into these things, don't you? (smashes the jug on Baldrick's head)
Blackadder: All I'm saying is, he'd better watch out! (holds up a milk-jug) One more foot wrong from him, and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug!
Baldrick: But that milk-jug isn't broken.
Blackadder: You really do walk into these things, don't you? (smashes the jug on Baldrick's head)
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship...
Baldrick: [touched] Thank you, sir.
Blackadder: ... but as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore content myself with saying "Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon!" [he leaves]
Baldrick: Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard! [Blackadder re-enters the room]
Blackadder: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet a single groat that you could last five minutes without me.
Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr B.! It's not like we're gonna be murdered the second you leave, is it?
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick!
Baldrick: [touched] Thank you, sir.
Blackadder: ... but as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore content myself with saying "Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon!" [he leaves]
Baldrick: Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard! [Blackadder re-enters the room]
Blackadder: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet a single groat that you could last five minutes without me.
Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr B.! It's not like we're gonna be murdered the second you leave, is it?
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Oh God! Bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies! And what have I got to show for it? Nothing but a butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo! Honestly, Baldrick, I sometimes feel like a pelican: whichever way I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me!
Baldrick: Don't worry, Mr B.! I have a cunning plan to solve your problem.
Blackadder: Yes, but let us not forget that you solved the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.
Baldrick: But this is a really good one; you become a dashing highwayman! Then you can pay all your bills and on top of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you!
Blackadder: Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills, and everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me! Besides which, I fail to see why a common thief should be idolised just because he has a horse between his legs!
Baldrick: Don't worry, Mr B.! I have a cunning plan to solve your problem.
Blackadder: Yes, but let us not forget that you solved the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.
Baldrick: But this is a really good one; you become a dashing highwayman! Then you can pay all your bills and on top of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you!
Blackadder: Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills, and everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me! Besides which, I fail to see why a common thief should be idolised just because he has a horse between his legs!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Trying to find a bride for the Prince]
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 — they're out; 47 are under 10 — they're out; and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal!
Blackadder: They would be, if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse. Which leaves us with two.
Baldrick: And what about them?
Blackadder: Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because she's met him.
Baldrick: Which leaves...?
Blackadder: Caroline of Brunswick as the only available princess in Europe.
Baldrick: And what's wrong with her? [Blackadder stands up]
Blackadder: [shouting very loud and very fast] GET MORE COFFEE! IT'S HORRID, CHANGE IT! TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND! NO, NOT LIKE THAT, LIKE THIS! TROUSERS OFF, TACKLE OUT! WALK THE DOG! WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?!
Baldrick: [flustered] ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Which one'd you want me to do first!?
Blackadder: No, that's what Caroline's like! She's famous for having the worst personality in Germany...and as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition!
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 — they're out; 47 are under 10 — they're out; and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal!
Blackadder: They would be, if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse. Which leaves us with two.
Baldrick: And what about them?
Blackadder: Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because she's met him.
Baldrick: Which leaves...?
Blackadder: Caroline of Brunswick as the only available princess in Europe.
Baldrick: And what's wrong with her? [Blackadder stands up]
Blackadder: [shouting very loud and very fast] GET MORE COFFEE! IT'S HORRID, CHANGE IT! TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND! NO, NOT LIKE THAT, LIKE THIS! TROUSERS OFF, TACKLE OUT! WALK THE DOG! WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?!
Baldrick: [flustered] ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Which one'd you want me to do first!?
Blackadder: No, that's what Caroline's like! She's famous for having the worst personality in Germany...and as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition!
TV Show: Blackadder