Blackadder Quotes
Blackadder: Baldrick, the slug is dead. If it failed to cling on to life, I see no reason why it should wish to cling on to your upper lip!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Colosseum thought of putting the Christians and the lions on the same bill.
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder is meeting "Bob" Parkhurst, who he realises is actually a woman disguised as a man]
Blackadder: So you're a chap, are you, Bob?
Bob: Oh yes, sir. [bursts out laughing and growls like a tiger]
Blackadder: You wouldn't say that you were a girl at all?
Bob: [nervously] Oh, definitely not sir! I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
Blackadder: Let me put it another way, Bob. You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a "Polar bears only" golf club!
Bob: [Horrified] Oh sir, oh sir, please don't give me away, sir. I just wanted to be like my brothers and join up. I want to see how a war is fought... so badly!
Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir!
Blackadder: Oh, really..?
Bob: [pleading] I'll do anything, sir!
Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to myself if I were you.
Blackadder: So you're a chap, are you, Bob?
Bob: Oh yes, sir. [bursts out laughing and growls like a tiger]
Blackadder: You wouldn't say that you were a girl at all?
Bob: [nervously] Oh, definitely not sir! I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
Blackadder: Let me put it another way, Bob. You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a "Polar bears only" golf club!
Bob: [Horrified] Oh sir, oh sir, please don't give me away, sir. I just wanted to be like my brothers and join up. I want to see how a war is fought... so badly!
Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir!
Blackadder: Oh, really..?
Bob: [pleading] I'll do anything, sir!
Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to myself if I were you.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Baldrick, no! It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said "Oh I'm sick of kicking around the house tonight, let's go take in a show!". For a start, General Melchett is in mourning for the woman of his dreams: he is unlikely to be in the mood to marry a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain! Secondly, we are looking for a great entertainer, and you're the worst entertainer since Saint Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine with his trampoline act! No, we'll have to find somebody else.
George: What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
Blackadder: Corporal Cartwright looks like an orangutan. I've heard of the bearded lady, but the all-over-body-hair lady frankly just isn't on!
George: Willis?
Blackadder: Too short.
George: Petheridge?
Blackadder: Too old.
George: Taplow?
Blackadder: Too dead. Oh, it's hopeless. There just isn't anyone!
[Bob is heard singing in the shower]
Blackadder: [with renewed hope] What am I doing?! Bob!
Bob: [enters wearing towels] Sir?
George: [STILL not realising Bob is a girl] Sir, what a brilliant idea! Bob, can you think of anyone that could be our leading lady?
George: What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
Blackadder: Corporal Cartwright looks like an orangutan. I've heard of the bearded lady, but the all-over-body-hair lady frankly just isn't on!
George: Willis?
Blackadder: Too short.
George: Petheridge?
Blackadder: Too old.
George: Taplow?
Blackadder: Too dead. Oh, it's hopeless. There just isn't anyone!
[Bob is heard singing in the shower]
Blackadder: [with renewed hope] What am I doing?! Bob!
Bob: [enters wearing towels] Sir?
George: [STILL not realising Bob is a girl] Sir, what a brilliant idea! Bob, can you think of anyone that could be our leading lady?
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Bob, take a telegram. "To Mr. C. Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name: Baldrick stop. Signed, E. Blackadder stop". Oh, and put a P.S.: "Please, please, please... stop."
[Later in the episode, when Blackadder's show is cancelled and Charlie Chaplin agrees to have his films shown in Allied trenches to raise morale]
Darling: We received a telegram from Mr. Chaplin himself at Sennet Studios: "Twice nightly screening of my films in trenches: excellent idea stop. But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. P.S.: Don't let him ever... stop".
[Later in the episode, when Blackadder's show is cancelled and Charlie Chaplin agrees to have his films shown in Allied trenches to raise morale]
Darling: We received a telegram from Mr. Chaplin himself at Sennet Studios: "Twice nightly screening of my films in trenches: excellent idea stop. But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. P.S.: Don't let him ever... stop".
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: Who can explain the mysteries of love? I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder. I'm going to marry her on Saturday and I want you to be my best man.
Blackadder: I don't think that would be a very good idea, sir.
Melchett: And why not?
Blackadder: Because there's something wrong with your fiance, sir.
Melchett: Oh my god, she's not Welsh, is she?!
Blackadder: I don't think that would be a very good idea, sir.
Melchett: And why not?
Blackadder: Because there's something wrong with your fiance, sir.
Melchett: Oh my god, she's not Welsh, is she?!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Hello? I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Royal Flying Corps. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird VC, DFC and bar. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?"
Baldrick: Here I am, sir.
Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover!
Baldrick: Why, sir?
Blackadder: Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo and tell her that her only human child is dead!
Baldrick: Here I am, sir.
Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover!
Baldrick: Why, sir?
Blackadder: Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo and tell her that her only human child is dead!
TV Show: Blackadder
George: Crikey, but what a show it was, sir! Lord Flashheart's Flying Aces! How we cheered when they spun, how we shouted when they dived! How we applauded when one chap got sliced in half by his own propeller! Well, it's all part of the joke for those magnificent men in their flying machines!
[A plane is heard plummeting and crashing outside]
Blackadder: For "magnificent men", read "Biggest Showoffs Since Lady Godiva Entered the Royal Enclosure at Ascot Claiming She Had Literally Nothing to Wear". I don't care how many times they go "up-diddly-up-up", they're still gits!
Baldrick: Oh, come on, sir! I'd love to be a flier. Up there where the air is clear...
Blackadder: The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick, are zero!
[A plane is heard plummeting and crashing outside]
Blackadder: For "magnificent men", read "Biggest Showoffs Since Lady Godiva Entered the Royal Enclosure at Ascot Claiming She Had Literally Nothing to Wear". I don't care how many times they go "up-diddly-up-up", they're still gits!
Baldrick: Oh, come on, sir! I'd love to be a flier. Up there where the air is clear...
Blackadder: The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick, are zero!
TV Show: Blackadder
Flashheart: The first thing to remember is always treat your kite [Whacks diagram with his pointer.] like you treat your woman [Whips the air. Hard.]
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote.
Flashheart: Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote!
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote.
Flashheart: Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote!
TV Show: Blackadder
[As their plane nose-dives into a crash]
Baldrick: Let's hope we land on something soft!
Blackadder: Fine, I'll try and aim between General Melchett's ears!
Baldrick: Let's hope we land on something soft!
Blackadder: Fine, I'll try and aim between General Melchett's ears!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: For two years, the Western Front's been about as likely to move as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel, then last night the Germans advance a mile and we land on the wrong side!
Baldrick: I want my mum!
Blackadder: Yes, it'll be good to see her. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the final scrap!
Baldrick: I want my mum!
Blackadder: Yes, it'll be good to see her. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the final scrap!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: For us, the Great War is finito. A war which would have been a damn sight simpler if we'd just stayed in England and shot 50,000 of our men a week!
TV Show: Blackadder
Baron von Richthofen: Ha ha ha! You English and your sense of humour! How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, the basis of an entire culture!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Flashheart, this is Captain Darling.
Flashheart: "Captain Darling"?! Funny name for a guy, isn't it? [jumps off table and faces Darling] Last person I called "Darling" was pregnant 20 seconds later! Hear you couldn't be bothered to help old Slackie here.
Darling: [stuttering nervously] Oh, well, it... It wasn't quite like that, sir. It's just that we... weighed up the pros and cons and... decided it wasn't a reasonable use of our time and resources. [laughs nervously]
Flashheart: Well, this isn't a reasonable use of my time and resources, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Darling: What?
Flashheart: This! [headbutts Darling hard, knocking him unconscious] Alright Slackie, alright Slackie, I've gotta fly; two million chicks and only one Flashheart! And always remember, if you want something, take it! BOBBY!
[Bob walks in]
Bob: My lord?
Flashheart: I want something!
Bob: [unbuttoning her coat] Take it!
Flashheart: WOOF!
Blackadder: [under his breath] Git.
Flashheart: "Captain Darling"?! Funny name for a guy, isn't it? [jumps off table and faces Darling] Last person I called "Darling" was pregnant 20 seconds later! Hear you couldn't be bothered to help old Slackie here.
Darling: [stuttering nervously] Oh, well, it... It wasn't quite like that, sir. It's just that we... weighed up the pros and cons and... decided it wasn't a reasonable use of our time and resources. [laughs nervously]
Flashheart: Well, this isn't a reasonable use of my time and resources, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Darling: What?
Flashheart: This! [headbutts Darling hard, knocking him unconscious] Alright Slackie, alright Slackie, I've gotta fly; two million chicks and only one Flashheart! And always remember, if you want something, take it! BOBBY!
[Bob walks in]
Bob: My lord?
Flashheart: I want something!
Bob: [unbuttoning her coat] Take it!
Flashheart: WOOF!
Blackadder: [under his breath] Git.
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: Ah, Blackadder! So you escaped?
Blackadder: Yes sir.
Melchett: Bravo! [briefly glances at the unconscious Darling] Don't slouch, Darling.
Blackadder: I wonder whether, having been tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might have a week's leave to recuperate.
Melchett: Splendid idea! Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you!
Blackadder: Well, you are my commanding officer.
Melchett: Well?
Blackadder: Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir?
Melchett: [outraged] Certainly not!
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Melchett: BAAA!
Blackadder: Yes sir.
Melchett: Bravo! [briefly glances at the unconscious Darling] Don't slouch, Darling.
Blackadder: I wonder whether, having been tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might have a week's leave to recuperate.
Melchett: Splendid idea! Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you!
Blackadder: Well, you are my commanding officer.
Melchett: Well?
Blackadder: Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir?
Melchett: [outraged] Certainly not!
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Melchett: BAAA!
TV Show: Blackadder
George: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... "M"!
Baldrick: Err... Ummm...
George: [indicating a mug on the table] Mmmm...?
[George and Baldrick continue to go "Mmmm" for some time, until Blackadder loses patience]
Blackadder: MUUUUUUUUUUG!!!!!
George: Oh, I say, well done, sir! Your turn!
Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T".
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then a egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T," I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter! The postman don't come 'til 10: 30!
Blackadder: Oh, I can't go on like this. George, take over.
George: All right, sir. Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "R".
Baldrick: Army!
Blackadder: FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! "Army" starts with an "A"! He's talking about something with an "R"! [trills the R]
Baldrick: Motorbike!
Blackadder: WHAT?!
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!
Blackadder: Right! My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends with "OW"?
Baldrick: I dunno.
Blackadder: Come here. [punches Baldrick in the face]
Baldrick: OW!
Blackadder: Well done.
George: Now I... [laughs nervously] I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, sir. Tell you what, let's try another one. I hear, with my little ear... something beginning with "B".
Blackadder: What?
George: Bomb.
Blackadder: [surpris
Baldrick: Err... Ummm...
George: [indicating a mug on the table] Mmmm...?
[George and Baldrick continue to go "Mmmm" for some time, until Blackadder loses patience]
Blackadder: MUUUUUUUUUUG!!!!!
George: Oh, I say, well done, sir! Your turn!
Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T".
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then a egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T," I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter! The postman don't come 'til 10: 30!
Blackadder: Oh, I can't go on like this. George, take over.
George: All right, sir. Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "R".
Baldrick: Army!
Blackadder: FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! "Army" starts with an "A"! He's talking about something with an "R"! [trills the R]
Baldrick: Motorbike!
Blackadder: WHAT?!
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!
Blackadder: Right! My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends with "OW"?
Baldrick: I dunno.
Blackadder: Come here. [punches Baldrick in the face]
Baldrick: OW!
Blackadder: Well done.
George: Now I... [laughs nervously] I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, sir. Tell you what, let's try another one. I hear, with my little ear... something beginning with "B".
Blackadder: What?
George: Bomb.
Blackadder: [surpris
TV Show: Blackadder
George: [reading in his letter] "After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked and joked. "You lucky, lucky, lucky bastard!" He cried. Then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench and shouted "Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?""
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Right pork-face, where's the grub!?
George: Sorry!?
Blackadder: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Westminster Abbey!
George: [outraged] My family is not inbred!
Blackadder: Come on, somewhere outside Saffron Walden, there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that looks like he's trying to swallow a ballcock!
George: I have not got any uncles like that! And anyway, he lives in Walton-on-the-Naze!
George: Sorry!?
Blackadder: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Westminster Abbey!
George: [outraged] My family is not inbred!
Blackadder: Come on, somewhere outside Saffron Walden, there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that looks like he's trying to swallow a ballcock!
George: I have not got any uncles like that! And anyway, he lives in Walton-on-the-Naze!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder interrogates Darling, who is tied up and blindfolded]
Darling: This is completely ridiculous, Blackadder! You can't suspect me, I've only just arrived.
Blackadder: The first rules of counter-espionage, Darling, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I will be asking myself some pretty searching questions later on. Now, tell me: What is the colour of the Queen of England's favourite hat?
Darling: How the hell should I know?!
Blackadder: I see. Well, let me ask you another question: What is the name of the German head of state?
Darling: Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.
Blackadder: So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?!
Darling: Well, what did you expect me to say?!
Blackadder: Darling, Darling, shh. Cigarette?
Darling: Hm. Thank you.
[Blackadder places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. He smokes for a few seconds, before Blackadder suddenly slaps it away and turns nasty]
Blackadder: All right, you stinking piece of crap!
Darling: I beg your pardon?!
Blackadder: [getting up close] Shut your cakehole, sonny, I know you! Tell me, Von Darling, what was it that finally won you over, eh? Was it the pumpernickel, or was it the thought of hanging around with a big man in leather shorts?!
Darling: [strangled voice] I'll have you court-martialed for this, Blackadder!
Blackadder: What, for obeying the General's orders? That may be what you do in Munich — or should I say München — but not here, Werner! You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you?! Baldrick, the cocker spaniel, please.
Darling: [desperate] Ah! No, no, no, wait! No, look, I'm English! I was born in Croydon! [breathing heavily] I was educated at Ipplethorpe Primary School
Darling: This is completely ridiculous, Blackadder! You can't suspect me, I've only just arrived.
Blackadder: The first rules of counter-espionage, Darling, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I will be asking myself some pretty searching questions later on. Now, tell me: What is the colour of the Queen of England's favourite hat?
Darling: How the hell should I know?!
Blackadder: I see. Well, let me ask you another question: What is the name of the German head of state?
Darling: Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.
Blackadder: So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?!
Darling: Well, what did you expect me to say?!
Blackadder: Darling, Darling, shh. Cigarette?
Darling: Hm. Thank you.
[Blackadder places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. He smokes for a few seconds, before Blackadder suddenly slaps it away and turns nasty]
Blackadder: All right, you stinking piece of crap!
Darling: I beg your pardon?!
Blackadder: [getting up close] Shut your cakehole, sonny, I know you! Tell me, Von Darling, what was it that finally won you over, eh? Was it the pumpernickel, or was it the thought of hanging around with a big man in leather shorts?!
Darling: [strangled voice] I'll have you court-martialed for this, Blackadder!
Blackadder: What, for obeying the General's orders? That may be what you do in Munich — or should I say München — but not here, Werner! You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you?! Baldrick, the cocker spaniel, please.
Darling: [desperate] Ah! No, no, no, wait! No, look, I'm English! I was born in Croydon! [breathing heavily] I was educated at Ipplethorpe Primary School
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: I've always been a soldier, married to the army. Book of King's Regulations is my mistress...possibly with a Harrods' lingerie catalogue tucked discreetly between the pages.
Nurse Mary: And no casual girlfriends?
Blackadder: Skirt? If only. When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country!
Nurse Mary: And no casual girlfriends?
Blackadder: Skirt? If only. When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country!
TV Show: Blackadder
Nurse Mary: Well, sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it might be Captain Darling.
Melchett: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Darling, a Jerry Morse-tapper?! What on Earth made you suspect him?
Nurse Mary: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
Melchett: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh! I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it! Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs! In the end, we had to disband the regiment! Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!
[Blackadder and Nurse Mary both look extremely bored; Mary has begun reading an 'Ideas' magazine. During the next line, she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it]
Blackadder: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Darling is not the spy.
Melchett: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Darling, a Jerry Morse-tapper?! What on Earth made you suspect him?
Nurse Mary: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
Melchett: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh! I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it! Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs! In the end, we had to disband the regiment! Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!
[Blackadder and Nurse Mary both look extremely bored; Mary has begun reading an 'Ideas' magazine. During the next line, she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it]
Blackadder: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Darling is not the spy.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Remember you mentioned a clever boyfriend?
Nurse Mary: Yes.
Blackadder: I leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities: Oxford, Cambridge, Hull.
Nurse Mary: Well?
Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities!
Nurse Mary: You swine!
Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
Nurse Mary: Yes.
Blackadder: I leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities: Oxford, Cambridge, Hull.
Nurse Mary: Well?
Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities!
Nurse Mary: You swine!
Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: Blackadder?
Blackadder: [triumphant] Yes sir?
Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Melchett: Darling?
Darling: [chastened] Yes, sir?
Melchett: You are a complete arse!
Darling: Thank you, sir.
Blackadder: [triumphant] Yes sir?
Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Melchett: Darling?
Darling: [chastened] Yes, sir?
Melchett: You are a complete arse!
Darling: Thank you, sir.
TV Show: Blackadder
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing, then!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing, then!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [regarding the 1914 Christmas truce] Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than they managed in the next two and a half years of war!
Baldrick: Remember the football match?
Blackadder: Remember it!? How could I forget it!? I was never offside; I could not BELIEVE that decision!
Baldrick: Remember the football match?
Blackadder: Remember it!? How could I forget it!? I was never offside; I could not BELIEVE that decision!
TV Show: Blackadder
George: Sir...I'm scared, sir.
Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir.
George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap-froggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die...I'm really not overly keen on dying at all, sir.
Blackadder: What about you, Darling? How are you feeling?
Darling: Ah, not all that good, Blackadder. Rather thought I'd get through the whole show. Go back to working at Pratt and Sons. Keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen. Marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply reads..."Bugger".
Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir.
George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap-froggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die...I'm really not overly keen on dying at all, sir.
Blackadder: What about you, Darling? How are you feeling?
Darling: Ah, not all that good, Blackadder. Rather thought I'd get through the whole show. Go back to working at Pratt and Sons. Keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen. Marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply reads..."Bugger".
TV Show: Blackadder
[Last lines of the series; Blackadder, Baldrick, George and Darling are ready to go over the top]
Darling: Listen... Our guns have stopped.
George: You don't think...?
Baldrick: [with rising hope] Maybe... the war's over. Maybe it's peace!
Goerge: [overjoyed] Oh, hurrah! The big knobs have gone round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire!
Darling: [also overjoyed] Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War, 1914 to 1917!
George: Hip-hip...
George, Baldrick and Darling: HOORAY!
Blackadder: [sadly] I'm afraid... not. The guns have stopped because we're about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it.
George: [afraid] So we are, in fact, going over? This is, as they say, "it"?
Blackadder: I'm afraid so. Unless I can think of something very quickly.
Captain in background: COMPANY, ONE PACE FORWARD! [the group obey]
Baldrick: Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir! A bloke could hurt himself on that!
Captain in background: STAND READY!
Baldrick: I have... a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain in background: ON THE SIGNAL, COMPANY WILL ADVANCE!
Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? [a whistle is heard] Good luck, everyone. [blows whistle, and they go over the top]
Darling: Listen... Our guns have stopped.
George: You don't think...?
Baldrick: [with rising hope] Maybe... the war's over. Maybe it's peace!
Goerge: [overjoyed] Oh, hurrah! The big knobs have gone round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire!
Darling: [also overjoyed] Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War, 1914 to 1917!
George: Hip-hip...
George, Baldrick and Darling: HOORAY!
Blackadder: [sadly] I'm afraid... not. The guns have stopped because we're about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it.
George: [afraid] So we are, in fact, going over? This is, as they say, "it"?
Blackadder: I'm afraid so. Unless I can think of something very quickly.
Captain in background: COMPANY, ONE PACE FORWARD! [the group obey]
Baldrick: Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir! A bloke could hurt himself on that!
Captain in background: STAND READY!
Baldrick: I have... a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain in background: ON THE SIGNAL, COMPANY WILL ADVANCE!
Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? [a whistle is heard] Good luck, everyone. [blows whistle, and they go over the top]
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock-fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackadder: It doesn't exist.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackadder: It doesn't exist.
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: All right, what's the plan?
Baldrick: This [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig]
Blackadder: A pumpkin is going to save the king?
Baldrick: I will cover his real head with a cloak and balance the pumpkin on top and cut that off instead and the king survives.
Blackadder: I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. You see, when you've cut it off you have to hold it before the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will all shout "No, it isn't. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it!"
Baldrick: I suppose it's not 100% convincing...
Blackadder: It's not 1% convincing. However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can. [Baldrick does so]
Baldrick: This [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig]
Blackadder: A pumpkin is going to save the king?
Baldrick: I will cover his real head with a cloak and balance the pumpkin on top and cut that off instead and the king survives.
Blackadder: I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. You see, when you've cut it off you have to hold it before the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will all shout "No, it isn't. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it!"
Baldrick: I suppose it's not 100% convincing...
Blackadder: It's not 1% convincing. However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can. [Baldrick does so]
TV Show: Blackadder
[Roundheads have surrounded the house]
Baldrick: We're surrounded! What are we going to do!?
Blackadder: Well, at times like this, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand, and fight, and die, in defence of his future sovereign... [pause] Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour! [Blackadder tosses the baby to Baldrick, then pulls off his fake beard and wig to reveal a blond, clean-shaven face; he now looks like a Roundhead. At that moment, Roundhead soldiers burst in] Thank God you've come! [points to Baldrick] Seize the Royalist scum!
Baldrick: We're surrounded! What are we going to do!?
Blackadder: Well, at times like this, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand, and fight, and die, in defence of his future sovereign... [pause] Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour! [Blackadder tosses the baby to Baldrick, then pulls off his fake beard and wig to reveal a blond, clean-shaven face; he now looks like a Roundhead. At that moment, Roundhead soldiers burst in] Thank God you've come! [points to Baldrick] Seize the Royalist scum!
TV Show: Blackadder