ALF Quotes
[Kate refuses ALF to baby-sit Eric]
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
TV Show: ALF
[Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl]
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate: [coldly] I see. [she leaves]
ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate: [coldly] I see. [she leaves]
ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
TV Show: ALF
[on a camping trip]
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause]
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause]
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
TV Show: ALF
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
TV Show: ALF
[the Tanners are preparing for a garage sale]
ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife.
Brian: There's no blade.
ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife.
Brian: There's no blade.
ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
TV Show: ALF
[the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book]
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."
TV Show: ALF
[the Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willie's brother]
Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope.
ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope.
ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
TV Show: ALF
[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
TV Show: ALF
Jake Ochmonek: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch.
Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
TV Show: ALF
Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.
TV Show: ALF
Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
TV Show: ALF
Jake Ochmonek: Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway?
ALF: 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.
TV Show: ALF
Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.
ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.
Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.
ALF: You think I wake up looking this good?
Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell.
ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it.
Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up.
ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.
Lynn: Welcher!
TV Show: ALF
Lynn: Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?
ALF: I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts.
Lynn: We will.
TV Show: ALF
Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky?
ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident!
Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel... [tries on Willie's glasses]
ALF: ... Geez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies] Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...
Willie: ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all.
ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?
TV Show: ALF
ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge]
ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note]
ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes. [as he does this an earthquake starts]
ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."
TV Show: ALF
ALF: A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian: No, those are ducks.
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?
TV Show: ALF
ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.
TV Show: ALF
ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn't like your looks, [points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
ALF: ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.
Willie: You mean he'd shoot you if he didn't like how you looked?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
TV Show: ALF
ALF: Hey, what's going on in here?
Willie: We're having a family meeting.
ALF: Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.
ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian: Curly was a senator once.
ALF: True, and Moe was Speaker of the House.
Willie: Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?
ALF: Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
TV Show: ALF