The Mighty Boosh Quotes
The Hitcher: [telling the story of his giant thumb] I didn't know what was happening, for days I was in a trance, but when I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca: a thumb of GIGANTIC proportions! "A miracle! A miracle!" I said. "You're a true wizard, how can I ever repay you!?" And he said to me "Five hundred euros". "FIVE HUNDRED EUROS!? YOU WON'T SEE PENNY ONE FROM ME, YOU SLAG!". And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking "Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it's killing me! My own beast and creation, killing me dead! The sweet irony!". I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could've just been shitting himself!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
The Hitcher: [singing] Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea! I'm the Hitcher, let me put you in the picture, creeping in you room in the dead of night, with me solo polo vision!
Piper Twins: That's right!
The Hitcher: I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: wo pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Fourteen shillings for your melons!
Piper Twins: Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!
The Hitcher: Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!
Piper Twins: And you ain't gonna like that!
The Hitcher: I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!
All: And you ain't gonna like that!
Piper Twins: That's right!
The Hitcher: I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
Piper Twins: wo pound ya pear!
The Hitcher: Fourteen shillings for your melons!
Piper Twins: Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!
The Hitcher: Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!
Piper Twins: And you ain't gonna like that!
The Hitcher: I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!
All: And you ain't gonna like that!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Kodiac Jack: Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose. [throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Kodiac Jack: Listen, boy. Have you ever had your scrotum pulled off by a mountain goat and seen him sell it on eBay a day later?
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?
Howard: No.
Kodiac Jack: Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Rudi: Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?
Spider: Yes, it is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!
Spider: Yes, it is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Spider: This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play and then you scram! But oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got roped into tidying up. Me, you and Carlos Santana, hoovering for six weeks!
Rudi: Somebody had to clean up that mess.
Spider: We should have split like The Who. They were off in a shot! I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flippin' apron. [At the end of the episode Daltrey himself is seen hoovering the set, wearing a pink apron]
Rudi: Somebody had to clean up that mess.
Spider: We should have split like The Who. They were off in a shot! I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flippin' apron. [At the end of the episode Daltrey himself is seen hoovering the set, wearing a pink apron]
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince: Goth Juice... the most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince: Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?
Howard: No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
Vince: We had some good times though, didn't we?
Howard: Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?
Vince: [Laughs] That was brilliant.
Both: Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.
Vince: Chili chowder!
Both: Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
Vince: Ah, classic times.
Howard: Crazy days.
Howard: No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
Vince: We had some good times though, didn't we?
Howard: Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?
Vince: [Laughs] That was brilliant.
Both: Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.
Vince: Chili chowder!
Both: Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
Vince: Ah, classic times.
Howard: Crazy days.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
The Hitcher: Alle-bleeding-luia! I knew it, boy! I had a strange feeling in the pit of me stomach when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was the crab sticks, but now it all makes sense! The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet, and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the Universe, with an army of green bitches, marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
[Talking about Old Gregg]
Lucian: Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
Colin: Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.
Lucian: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
The Moon: Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!
Lucian: Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
Colin: Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.
Lucian: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
The Moon: Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Old Gregg: What're you doing in my waters?
Howard Moon: Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!
Old Gregg: Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?
Howard Moon: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
Howard Moon: [crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!
Howard Moon: Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!
Old Gregg: Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?
Howard Moon: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
Howard Moon: [crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Old Gregg: "I wanna hurt you"
Howard Moon: "Excuse me?"
Old Gregg: "I like you"
Howard Moon: "Excuse me?"
Old Gregg: "I like you"
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?
Vince: Kings of Leon CD.
Howard: Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?
Vince: It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.
Howard: Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?
Vince: Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]
Vince: Kings of Leon CD.
Howard: Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?
Vince: It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.
Howard: Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?
Vince: Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?
Vince: Maybe later, eh?.
Howard: Yeah, maybe later.
Vince: Maybe not at all.
Howard: ... Yeah, maybe later.
Vince: Maybe later, eh?.
Howard: Yeah, maybe later.
Vince: Maybe not at all.
Howard: ... Yeah, maybe later.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
The Hitcher: [in coconut form] Roll up, roll up! The coconut shy, everyone's a winner! One euro, that's all I'm asking! Grease my cockney palm, and you can throw balls to your hearts' content! Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces! I wanna see twisted bone and meat all over the back wall by the time I'm finished!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.
The Hitcher: Are you bulletproof, boy?
Howard: ... Don't know sir.
The Hitcher: Are you bulletproof, boy?
Howard: ... Don't know sir.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: What are you angry about?
Vince: Government.
Howard: Government? Ooohh.
Vince: And climate change.
Howard: Climate change?
Vince: It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?
Howard: Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?
Vince: That, and it's a bit clammy.
Vince: Government.
Howard: Government? Ooohh.
Vince: And climate change.
Howard: Climate change?
Vince: It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?
Howard: Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?
Vince: That, and it's a bit clammy.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodphurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?
Vince: I just had a few things to do, that's all.
Howard: That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.
Vince: Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colors can fade to black.
Howard: Have you got my script?
Vince: I just had a few things to do, that's all.
Howard: That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.
Vince: Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colors can fade to black.
Howard: Have you got my script?
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince: All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.
Howard: Is this how you win people over?
Vince: Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!
Howard: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.
Vince: [smiles] Thanks, Howard.
Howard: Is this how you win people over?
Vince: Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!
Howard: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.
Vince: [smiles] Thanks, Howard.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince, Howard, Naboo and Bollo:
Tube Mouse, I love you so,
I took you from the underground,
And brought you home,
Put you in my jacket pocket,
And took you to the meeting,
Put you in my jacket pocket,
And took you to the meeting.
Tube Mouse, I love you so,
I took you from the underground,
And brought you home,
Put you in my jacket pocket,
And took you to the meeting,
Put you in my jacket pocket,
And took you to the meeting.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Howard: I'm going to Jazzercise. Working out to hot be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane.
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Dennis: When it comes to drug-taking, I think you'll find that Kirk leaves us all in the dust!
Tony Harrison: What's he looking at?
Dennis: Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.
Tony Harrison: He's off his tits!
Tony Harrison: What's he looking at?
Dennis: Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.
Tony Harrison: He's off his tits!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Dennis: Naboo, the time has come for your execution. It is not a task any of us wanted, and so to protect the identity of the executioner, he shall be wearing a hood.
[Cut to Tony Harrison, in a black executioner's mask, trying to get up the guillotine's steps]
Tony Harrison: I can't get up these stairs! What is this bullshit!? I asked for a ramp!
Naboo: [sarcastically] I wonder who that is!
Saboo: Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this!
[Cut to Tony Harrison, in a black executioner's mask, trying to get up the guillotine's steps]
Tony Harrison: I can't get up these stairs! What is this bullshit!? I asked for a ramp!
Naboo: [sarcastically] I wonder who that is!
Saboo: Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince: [as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!
Howard: Why you no like my pie?
Vince: I just told you.
Howard: Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!
Vince: Why you bring me pie?!
Howard: Why you no like?!
Vince: Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!
Howard: Why you no like my pie?
Vince: I just told you.
Howard: Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!
Vince: Why you bring me pie?!
Howard: Why you no like?!
Vince: Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh
Vince: Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...
Howard: [Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!
Howard: [Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!
TV Show: The Mighty Boosh