The Drew Carey Show Quotes
Kate: I'm so lucky that model got sick. That'll teach her to eat twice in one day.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Ed: Fine, Mr. Rules Guy. If you need me, I'll be living in a cardboard box. If I'm not there, try the gun shop. After that, just watch the news.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Lewis: Kate, don't worry about it. I mean, look at the Bride of Frankenstein. She got married after she was dead. There's still hope for you.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Kate: I don't need a husband. I just want a wedding.
Drew: I don't want a husband either. [mock-crying] I just want someone to appreciate how hard I work around this house!
Drew: I don't want a husband either. [mock-crying] I just want someone to appreciate how hard I work around this house!
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Oswald: So what do you guys want to see tonight?
Kate: Anything but romance or Pauly Shore.
Oswald: I don't get it. What's wrong with romance?
Kate: Nothing's wrong with romance. I'll see a romantic movie, as long as there's blood and everybody gets blown up at the end.
Lewis: Well, let's see. We've got a couple of choices here then. Uh, "Headless in Seattle," or "The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up."
Kate: Anything but romance or Pauly Shore.
Oswald: I don't get it. What's wrong with romance?
Kate: Nothing's wrong with romance. I'll see a romantic movie, as long as there's blood and everybody gets blown up at the end.
Lewis: Well, let's see. We've got a couple of choices here then. Uh, "Headless in Seattle," or "The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up."
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Jules: You know, Drew, we try to be good neighbors. But you know, it's like you get rattled over every little thing.
Drew: I got a six-foot lizard on my pool table!
Jules: Well, what kind of weirdo puts a pool table outside? That's just asking for lizards.
Drew: I got a six-foot lizard on my pool table!
Jules: Well, what kind of weirdo puts a pool table outside? That's just asking for lizards.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Ed: We both know I'm not going anywhere with this job. I mean, how long can a guy stay in women's shoes? [Pause] Ha, ha, ha.
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Kate: Where's the party for single people? Just once, I'd like to blow out the candles on a "Yes, I'm not pregnant!" cake.
Drew: Easy, Kate. You might want to save some of that bitterness for your forties.
Drew: Easy, Kate. You might want to save some of that bitterness for your forties.
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Drew: [drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the current practice of shoving a stick up your butt!
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Drew: I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Drew: Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]
Mimi: I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: You four-eyed butt weasel.
Drew: Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness' testimony impeached and i also would like to request a 10 minute recess becuase, well, that hurt!
Mimi: I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: You four-eyed butt weasel.
Drew: Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness' testimony impeached and i also would like to request a 10 minute recess becuase, well, that hurt!
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Drew: How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!
Lewis: According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.
Drew: That's every sexual advance I make!
Lewis: According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.
Drew: That's every sexual advance I make!
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Oswald: Hey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?
Lewis: Smart drugs.
Oswald: They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?
Lewis: Smart drugs.
Oswald: They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?
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Drew: Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.
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Drew: [making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!
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Kate: How did it go?
Drew: We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.
Drew: We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Lewis: [about Drew and Janet] What if it doesn't work out? If she dumps you, it'll make things incredibly awkward. And if you dump her, there'll be nobody to comfort her because everybody will be too busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.
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Kate: Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]
Drew: Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?
Drew: Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Drew: Basketball...is war. To lose...is to die. And last Saturday, we got killed. I am ashamed to be your coach. [throws his hat on the floor] Should we give up? Should we turn in our uniforms? Should we admit we're losers? Or should we stop the lollygagging and start playing some basketball?! Now listen up, ladies... [camera shows that he's coaching a team of girls] ...I'm not doing this for my health. I don't do anything for my health. I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good. I got better shorts, shorts you'll never see. No, I am doing this for the Winfred-Lauder department store. And if I'm going to be volunteering my time, I want to see some effort! I want to see sweat! I want to see blood! I want to see someone get hurt!
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Kate: [giving Drew a reason to ask out Janet] You're not seeing anybody.
Drew: Please, I'm already using that excuse for not exercising.
Drew: Please, I'm already using that excuse for not exercising.
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Oswald: She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'
Drew: Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!
Drew: Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Lewis: How about some 8-ball? Winner gets complete control of the loser's life.
Oswald: Wait, I already lost that to you last week.
Lewis: Well, then you have no choice.
Oswald: Wait, I already lost that to you last week.
Lewis: Well, then you have no choice.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Kate: You put MIMI in Cosmetics?! Oh, great. Why don't we just put Ike Turner in the complaints department?
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Kate: [about Earl] So he is crazy?
Oswald: Hey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.
Kate: ...I already did.
Oswald: Then I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.
Drew: How could I miss it? We gave him a phycological profile. He passed with flying colors. Lokk. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'
Kate: It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.
Drew: No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!
Lewis: What's it say?
Drew: Well, it says in so many words, that basically he's wicky in wacky woo.
Oswald: Hey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.
Kate: ...I already did.
Oswald: Then I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.
Drew: How could I miss it? We gave him a phycological profile. He passed with flying colors. Lokk. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'
Kate: It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.
Drew: No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!
Lewis: What's it say?
Drew: Well, it says in so many words, that basically he's wicky in wacky woo.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Mimi: So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.
Drew: Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.
Drew: Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show
Drew: [After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.
Lewis: Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...
Lewis: Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show