Peep Show Quotes
Mark: It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
Jez: Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
Super Hans: Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
Jez: Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
Super Hans: Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Maybe that was actually good sex? Loosen up, Corrigan - that's what happens in the bedroom now: no old fashioned fumbling and kissing, a lesbian rapes you whilst you dream about your mother).
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: Hello Natalie how's you dad?
Mark: Jez don't
Natalie: Yeah, fine thank you
Jez: Enjoying my money is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money NUDE, after having sex with my mum NUDE.
Mark: Jez don't
Natalie: Yeah, fine thank you
Jez: Enjoying my money is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money NUDE, after having sex with my mum NUDE.
TV Show: Peep Show
[Mark and Jez are at a Christian rock festival]
Mark: (Look at them all - the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed in a lot of rubbish.)
Mark: (Look at them all - the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed in a lot of rubbish.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Super Hans: We want to wallow in Our own filth,Mark.Have a good old Fucking wallow
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Super Hans: A Suitcase with wheels? Real men don't get the earth to carry Their luggage for Them,mate.They carry it Themselves
TV Show: Peep Show
[Jeremy's been baptised]
Jeremy: There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have something to pull out of the bag on Judgement Day.
Jeremy: There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have something to pull out of the bag on Judgement Day.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Oh God. He's in a raft drifting towards Niagara Falls, flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jeremy: We'd be selling our souls.
Super Hans: Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
Super Hans: Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
TV Show: Peep Show
Cally: How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
Mark: In a factory...from glass.
Cally: Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
Mark: No.
Cally: Could ANYONE?
Mark: Yes.
Cally: Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
Mark: (Please don't make me believe in them.)
Cally: Do you believe?
Mark: I do believe in crystal skulls.
Cally: And what do you believe about them?
Mark: I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
Cally: There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Mark: (Sorry science. Sorry Enlightenment. Sorry logic.)
Mark: In a factory...from glass.
Cally: Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
Mark: No.
Cally: Could ANYONE?
Mark: Yes.
Cally: Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
Mark: (Please don't make me believe in them.)
Cally: Do you believe?
Mark: I do believe in crystal skulls.
Cally: And what do you believe about them?
Mark: I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
Cally: There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Mark: (Sorry science. Sorry Enlightenment. Sorry logic.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jeremy: You're fine, mate. Stick to Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
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Jeremy: That's cheating! Anyone can pleasure a woman if they tell you what to do. The point is; you're not allowed to ask.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (The one is giving me the finger and driving away. There's the familar gut punch of Pain and Loneliness. Hello, old friend.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: Hey Jez!
Jez: Oh, hi Mark.
Mark: This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
Jez: That's great. Good for you.
Mark: (Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
Mark: Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
Jez: I've just been doing alot of thinking.
Mark: (Oh shit.)
Jez: Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.
Jez: Oh, hi Mark.
Mark: This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
Jez: That's great. Good for you.
Mark: (Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
Mark: Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
Jez: I've just been doing alot of thinking.
Mark: (Oh shit.)
Jez: Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (I feel guilty about everything, from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others. I'm sorry, stripey blue - you're just too tight.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Is that... it? No sarcastic putdown, no casual kick in the balls? Maybe it's because she's been smoking drugs... Good old drugs).
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Maybe I'm Shaft. Maybe I'm Trump. Yeah, I'm Trump, in my dirty, wiggy tower.)
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Mark: (Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Sophie: Mark, I've got something to tell you.
Mark: (Fuck. Don't say you're pregnant.)
Sophie: I'm pregnant.
Mark: (Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!) [Calmly] oh so you're pregnant?
Mark: (Fuck. Don't say you're pregnant.)
Sophie: I'm pregnant.
Mark: (Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!) [Calmly] oh so you're pregnant?
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: And...what about the...issue?
Mark: Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.
Jez: Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
Mark: Right. (Oh Jesus)
Jez: (Oh Jesus)
Mark: Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.
Jez: Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
Mark: Right. (Oh Jesus)
Jez: (Oh Jesus)
TV Show: Peep Show
Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.
Jeremy: Jesus.. You are something else.
Mark: Thank you very much.
Jeremy: (He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)
Jeremy: Jesus.. You are something else.
Mark: Thank you very much.
Jeremy: (He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)
TV Show: Peep Show
Sophie: One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?
Mark: Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!
Mark: Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.
Jez: [Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!
Mark: Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
Jez: [Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!
Mark: Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
TV Show: Peep Show