NewsRadio Quotes
Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?
Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
Mike: So are scissors!!
Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
Mike: So are scissors!!
TV Show: NewsRadio
[on making the station more productive]
Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
Andrea: Hi, everyone.
Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
Andrea: Call me Andrea.
Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
Andrea: Hi, everyone.
Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
Andrea: Call me Andrea.
Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
Lisa: I broke into a library.
Beth: To vandalize it?
Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
Lisa: I broke into a library.
Beth: To vandalize it?
Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.
Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Hear me well! As of today a new Dave is born. A Dave who for lack of better words is...pure evil.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
Bill: Why not?
Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.
Bill: Why not?
Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."
TV Show: NewsRadio
Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.
Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
Joe: You want me to kill him?
Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.
Joe: You want me to kill him?
Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."
Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
Bill: Automotive sales.
Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
Bill: Automotive sales.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.
TV Show: NewsRadio
[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
Dave: No, we don't.
Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
Dave: No, we don't.
Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony...you're all out to get me.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."
Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."
TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
Dave: [groans]
Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.
Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
Dave: [groans]
Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!
Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
Bill: Yes.
Bill: Yes.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Lisa: Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
Matthew: Yeah, I've been there.
Lisa: You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
Matthew: Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.
Matthew: Yeah, I've been there.
Lisa: You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
Matthew: Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: [reading Bill's letter] "Dear everyone, if Dave is reading this to you, I have either been fired or I have passed away. Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, I'll have to assume that the latter is true. Someone please explain that one to Matthew later."
Matthew: I don't get it.
Joe: I'll explain it to you later.
Dave: Thanks. He continues: "I know this is strange, but I just want to make sure my final wishes are observed. Wish number one—I wish I weren't dead. Jimmy, get your best people on this one, if you would. [Jimmy pulls out his phone.] Ha ha, just kidding. Attached please find envelopes containing personal notes for everyone. Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties. [Matthew takes the notes and passes them out.] Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task. [Everyone straightens out the mixed-up letters.]
Matthew: Why don't we read them out loud? Beth, you start.
Beth: "Dear Beth, I am sorry about that time I said that your outfit looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town." You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.
Joe: No, what about that time...
Beth: Please Joe, just let me have a moment, thank you. "I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong." That's very sweet.
Joe: "Dear Joe, I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it." I knew there was something up with that printer. "I only did it because I enjoyed hearing your voluminous redactions on the prior weekend's sporting events. On more than one occasion, you helped lull me into my mid-morning nap. For that, I am eternally grateful. Kudos. The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore." I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer.
Matthew: I don't get it.
Joe: I'll explain it to you later.
Dave: Thanks. He continues: "I know this is strange, but I just want to make sure my final wishes are observed. Wish number one—I wish I weren't dead. Jimmy, get your best people on this one, if you would. [Jimmy pulls out his phone.] Ha ha, just kidding. Attached please find envelopes containing personal notes for everyone. Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties. [Matthew takes the notes and passes them out.] Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task. [Everyone straightens out the mixed-up letters.]
Matthew: Why don't we read them out loud? Beth, you start.
Beth: "Dear Beth, I am sorry about that time I said that your outfit looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town." You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.
Joe: No, what about that time...
Beth: Please Joe, just let me have a moment, thank you. "I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong." That's very sweet.
Joe: "Dear Joe, I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it." I knew there was something up with that printer. "I only did it because I enjoyed hearing your voluminous redactions on the prior weekend's sporting events. On more than one occasion, you helped lull me into my mid-morning nap. For that, I am eternally grateful. Kudos. The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore." I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer.
TV Show: NewsRadio