Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
With guest host James Corden and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus
With guests Janeane Garofalo, Tom Clarke, Paloma Faith, and Ben Miller
With guests Janeane Garofalo, Tom Clarke, Paloma Faith, and Ben Miller
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
James: Hello, and welcome to a brand new series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm James Corden, I'm your host this week, and we welcome back our new permanent team captain, Mr. Noel Fielding! [applause] Now I know what you're all thinking. This is the show where you come on and you get mocked by a cruel host. Well, look; not anymore. Okay? Not on my watch. I mean, you can be short, or fat, or old, or weird, or American, or...[looks at Paloma]...uh, don't know what that is!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[after Paloma has sang an excerpt of her song Stone Cold Sober upon James' request]
Noel: I'm slighty in love with Paloma!
Phil: Noel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!
Noel: I'm slighty in love with Paloma!
Phil: Noel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Noel: I'm thinking that for the first sort of gift on a date it'd have to be a rainbow. I'd have to give your section of a rainbow.
[Paloma gasps dreamily]
James: Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!
Paloma: But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!
James: They don't believe in what?
Noel: We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!
Paloma: It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...
James: I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!
[Everybody laughs and applauds again]
[Paloma gasps dreamily]
James: Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!
Paloma: But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!
James: They don't believe in what?
Noel: We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!
Paloma: It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...
James: I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!
[Everybody laughs and applauds again]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
James: Janeane, I imagine you're a big fan of Blue?
Janeane: I like their early stuff.
Janeane: I like their early stuff.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[during a game of Next Lines]
James: One for the go-karts and the free rides...
Phil: ...two for the go-karts and the windmills!
James: One for the go-karts and the free rides...
Phil: ...two for the go-karts and the windmills!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[during a game of Next Lines]
James: Last year, I'm so 3008...
Noel: ...come in and shut the garden gate!
James: Last year, I'm so 3008...
Noel: ...come in and shut the garden gate!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[during a game of Next Lines]
James: They call me her. They call me Jane...
Phil: ...they call me Trixie! They call me Billy! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!
James: They call me her. They call me Jane...
Phil: ...they call me Trixie! They call me Billy! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
James: At the end of that, Noel's team have 8. Phil's team, you've got 3.
[Paloma stars making a "come here" gesture]
James: You've also got Paloma.
Paloma: I'll enjoy this, no matter what happens.
James: You bet you are!
[Paloma stars making a "come here" gesture]
James: You've also got Paloma.
Paloma: I'll enjoy this, no matter what happens.
James: You bet you are!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Simon Amstell. And before I go back to youth television..."Bollocks"!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Sean: Come back! You must be shit in that van! "What do you want love?" (spins around) "Oh there you are! What was it?"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Nowadays in show business, you haven't really made it unless you've been slagged off by Lily Allen- [A man delivers a letter] "Dear Simon...."....oh...apparently I'm a twat!...Nothing about you, Vanessa.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Will Smith: I think it is by that early boy band that all looked like car thieves that shagged on bins...E17.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About E17]
Will Smith: They just had two guys in the background who did nothing.
Simon: Matt used to be one of those.
Will Smith: No, he played the bass.
Simon: He did play bass...[In a high pitched voice] or at least pretended to.
Will Smith: They just had two guys in the background who did nothing.
Simon: Matt used to be one of those.
Will Smith: No, he played the bass.
Simon: He did play bass...[In a high pitched voice] or at least pretended to.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Tonight on Phill - when team members bicker!
Simon: Phill, Phill, can I say something?
Phill: Yeah?
[Simon stands up]
Simon: Right...I think, I think you don't know what you're talking about...you, you shouldn't even go there...and, talk to the face, 'cause my arse ain't listening...
Simon: Phill, Phill, can I say something?
Phill: Yeah?
[Simon stands up]
Simon: Right...I think, I think you don't know what you're talking about...you, you shouldn't even go there...and, talk to the face, 'cause my arse ain't listening...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Discussing strategies to stay young]
Bill: The marrowbone from goats, that's good as well, isn't it.
Simon: Have you...
Barrowman: Have I sucked marrowbone from a goat? No.
Phill: But I bet you could.
Bill: The marrowbone from goats, that's good as well, isn't it.
Simon: Have you...
Barrowman: Have I sucked marrowbone from a goat? No.
Phill: But I bet you could.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Kelli feels Barrowman's arse]
Phill: You realize the Daily Mail's going to be in uproar about that bit of the show. "Black lady touches homosexual on television!"
Barrowman: "With white man in the middle!"
Phill: You realize the Daily Mail's going to be in uproar about that bit of the show. "Black lady touches homosexual on television!"
Barrowman: "With white man in the middle!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I've been listening to your album, it's very impressive.
Preston: Good, thank you.
Simon: All tracks written by Preston...except 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8-
Preston: I wrote them with my guitarist!
Simon: Sure, sure you did...9, 10, 11, 13 and 15! Sorry, I like it though.
Preston: Good, thank you.
Simon: All tracks written by Preston...except 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8-
Preston: I wrote them with my guitarist!
Simon: Sure, sure you did...9, 10, 11, 13 and 15! Sorry, I like it though.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: We're gonna have fun tonight, Preston!
Preston: Oh, really? Let me know when it starts.
Preston: Oh, really? Let me know when it starts.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Ed If I can't sleep at night, phone me up and tell me that story!
Simon: I will phone you...on my Mowbli.
[Ed is a spokesman for Carphone Warehouse, which uses Mowbli as a mascot]
Simon: I will phone you...on my Mowbli.
[Ed is a spokesman for Carphone Warehouse, which uses Mowbli as a mascot]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney because this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks and her story in the tabloids changes so often...maybe we should cover ourselves. I can't believe that picture of her with that cake up her bottom!
Bill: Blimey, maybe we should do something about Britney and that rare...bird...egg...
Simon: Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse! She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?! Just in case...
Bill: Blimey, maybe we should do something about Britney and that rare...bird...egg...
Simon: Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse! She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?! Just in case...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: ABBA comprised of Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid and took their name from their initials. Four English singers tried repeat ABBA's success, but unfortunately William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - yes I said William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - couldn't think of a name. Agnetha eventually left ABBA, they replaced her with Ursula, and formed Abbu, who went on a spree of terror and destruction throughout the Middle East.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Shaun [Ryder] is an ex-Post Office worker who sang with the Happy Mondays and in 1993 formed Black Grape. So Shaun if you're watching, that's what you've been up to.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Clare Grogan: Okay, Whis... (collapses in hysterical laughter after accidentally almost reading out a song on the card!)
Mark: When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!
Clare: Did you hear that?
Peter Hook: No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".
Mark: I want the full intro on this one.
Peter: Go for the vocal line, kids!
Phill: You ready?
Clare: No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?
Phill: I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)
Clare: I've had a complete mind block with that one!
Phill: It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!
Clare: Because I've been so helpful so far...
Phill: You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!
Clare: Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!
Phill: Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!
Mark: When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!
Clare: Did you hear that?
Peter Hook: No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".
Mark: I want the full intro on this one.
Peter: Go for the vocal line, kids!
Phill: You ready?
Clare: No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?
Phill: I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)
Clare: I've had a complete mind block with that one!
Phill: It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!
Clare: Because I've been so helpful so far...
Phill: You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!
Clare: Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!
Phill: Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
David: Can you do it in my ear?
Sean: Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...
Mark: It's the only language he understands!
Sean: Mushy peas and a bit of curry!
Sean: Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...
Mark: It's the only language he understands!
Sean: Mushy peas and a bit of curry!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: (Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!
Mark: (shakes his fist) Moyles!
Phill: (as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!
Mark: Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!
Mark: (shakes his fist) Moyles!
Phill: (as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!
Mark: Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: In July 1974 Mama Cass died while staying in a London flat after choking on a sandwich. Strangely, Keith Moon of The Who died in the same flat a few years later. He tripped over her body and banged his head on the sink. (Mark almost cracks up a few seconds later!) Mama Cass' vocal range increased dramatically after she was hit over the head with a lead pipe in 1965. I feel it's our duty to see if the same technique will work with Aqua. In fact, it's my personal mission. And if, by any chance, they're on tour with Celine Dion, the more the merrier. I'll find you, Aqua! I'll find you if I have to knock on every door in Stockholm fresh from the plumber's merchants, (stands up and points at the camera) and if it doesn't work first time I'll try and try again! I'll make of you singers yet, you Euro-pop ponces if it takes a Joe Pesci-size beating! And Celine Dion, your heart won't go on but there'll be plenty of beating believe me, you maple leaf hag! YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks