Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Simon: I think Patrick Kielty-
Anthea: Is fantastic.
Simon: I think more of a cunt.
Anthea: What! Excuse me...you can't say that word.
Bill: What? Kielty?
Anthea: Because you don't have one.
Simon: So I can't say it?
Anthea: No.
Simon: But I haven't got an umbrella...
Anthea: Is fantastic.
Simon: I think more of a cunt.
Anthea: What! Excuse me...you can't say that word.
Bill: What? Kielty?
Anthea: Because you don't have one.
Simon: So I can't say it?
Anthea: No.
Simon: But I haven't got an umbrella...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Let's all say things we haven't got. Personal hygiene!
Bill: A grip on reality!
Phil Nichol: A career!
Anthea: Okay! A penis!
[Laughter]
Simon: You've got a penis.
Bill: A grip on reality!
Phil Nichol: A career!
Anthea: Okay! A penis!
[Laughter]
Simon: You've got a penis.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Later on, Simon says cunt again]
Simon: You can't say the word in front of Anthea 'cause I haven't got an umbrella.
Simon: You can't say the word in front of Anthea 'cause I haven't got an umbrella.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Trying to guess the name of a song with Phill miming at him]
Phil Nichol: ...Love doesn't pull, love doesn't tuggle, love doesn't hold, love doesn't feel, love's got big boobs, love has a moustache, love's, love, love speaks sign language, love's got...holding, tightening, ah, ah, nosing, holding, nose, pointing, pointing at nose, oh...praying! Love is the Pope, love is the Pope, love is the nosy Pope, the Pope's got a lovely nose! I don't know...
Phil Nichol: ...Love doesn't pull, love doesn't tuggle, love doesn't hold, love doesn't feel, love's got big boobs, love has a moustache, love's, love, love speaks sign language, love's got...holding, tightening, ah, ah, nosing, holding, nose, pointing, pointing at nose, oh...praying! Love is the Pope, love is the Pope, love is the nosy Pope, the Pope's got a lovely nose! I don't know...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Alesha: Do you know what I think, I thinks number two 'cause he's dropping the style nice.
Simon: What are you...what's with all this speak?
Alesha: [Laughs hysterically] I don't know!
Simon: Dropping the...You don't speak like this! You get nervous and start going all a-bibbidy-bobbidy...!
Simon: What are you...what's with all this speak?
Alesha: [Laughs hysterically] I don't know!
Simon: Dropping the...You don't speak like this! You get nervous and start going all a-bibbidy-bobbidy...!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Number two hasn't blinked in the last twenty minutes...
Phil Nichol: He's not real, he's papier maché.
Phil Nichol: He's not real, he's papier maché.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [To Ricky Ross] Paul Young, he's on the show next week. I've heard of him.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Vanessa Feltz, Matt Willis, Paul Young, Will Smith
With guests Vanessa Feltz, Matt Willis, Paul Young, Will Smith
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Watching a Westlife video]
Simon: Still going after seven years due to the unfortunate lack of murder, it's Westlife!
Simon: Still going after seven years due to the unfortunate lack of murder, it's Westlife!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Tina Cousins]
Simon: Still very much in the business...oh no, that's not right...err...
[Tina gives Simon the finger]
Simon: What's that?...
[Vanessa nodding: "Yeah, you give him the finger"]
Simon: ...what's this? People who used to be on telly ganging up on me?!
Simon: Still very much in the business...oh no, that's not right...err...
[Tina gives Simon the finger]
Simon: What's that?...
[Vanessa nodding: "Yeah, you give him the finger"]
Simon: ...what's this? People who used to be on telly ganging up on me?!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Vanessa: What's the difference between a dildo and a strap on?
Simon: A strap on is like a hands free phone...so it's legal if you're driving...
Simon: A strap on is like a hands free phone...so it's legal if you're driving...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Stewart Lee, Tony Mortimer, Bill Oddie, Jason Pebworth
With guests Stewart Lee, Tony Mortimer, Bill Oddie, Jason Pebworth
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill Oddie: She's been cleaned up very quickly, as they do with the guillemots, and the cormorants and all that sort of thing-
Simon: Bill, Bill, I had a feeling you would rather talk about birds this evening, so I prepared your own game. Here you go, are you ready? What's this?
[He plays the sound of a bird]
Bill Oddie: It's a robin eating a Crunchie bar.
Simon: That's not what I've got on the card.
Simon: Bill, Bill, I had a feeling you would rather talk about birds this evening, so I prepared your own game. Here you go, are you ready? What's this?
[He plays the sound of a bird]
Bill Oddie: It's a robin eating a Crunchie bar.
Simon: That's not what I've got on the card.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: You're right, we pixelated some onions...not a kitten...being chopped to death by Shakira...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Bill Oddie is talking nonsense]
Stewart Lee: You're in charge of this....
Simon: I am in charge of this! Stewart's right! Shoosh, Oddie!!
Stewart Lee: You're in charge of this....
Simon: I am in charge of this! Stewart's right! Shoosh, Oddie!!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Bill Oddie is still talking nonsense]
Phill: [Talking sternly to the audience] Who...gave him...Ribena?!
Phill: [Talking sternly to the audience] Who...gave him...Ribena?!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Bill Oddie is trying unsuccessfully to guess the name of a song]
Simon: Bill, I don't like to see you struggle. What's this? [Holds up a picture of a bird]
Bill Oddie: That's an eyebrowed thrush.
Simon: Correct. Do you know the latin name for it?
Bill Oddie: No! Turdus something or other. Ooh, that's funny, turdus. I know where you're going, I know where you're going.
Simon: He's caught us out. They're all slightly rude. It was the turdus obscurus.
Bill Oddie: Yeah, I know, it's funny. Means the invisible shit!
Simon: Bill, I don't like to see you struggle. What's this? [Holds up a picture of a bird]
Bill Oddie: That's an eyebrowed thrush.
Simon: Correct. Do you know the latin name for it?
Bill Oddie: No! Turdus something or other. Ooh, that's funny, turdus. I know where you're going, I know where you're going.
Simon: He's caught us out. They're all slightly rude. It was the turdus obscurus.
Bill Oddie: Yeah, I know, it's funny. Means the invisible shit!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I thought you knew about birds!
Bill Oddie: Well, it's a foreign one.
Simon: Do you just pretend for the telly?
Bill Oddie: It's, it's a foreign one!
Simon: Oh...racist.
Bill Oddie: Well, it's a foreign one.
Simon: Do you just pretend for the telly?
Bill Oddie: It's, it's a foreign one!
Simon: Oh...racist.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Simon holds up another picture of a bird]
Bill Oddie: Oh for God's sake...it's a...a dangly bollocked penis bird!
Bill Oddie: Oh for God's sake...it's a...a dangly bollocked penis bird!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill Oddie: We don't mention Lily Allen.
Simon: We don't mention her? What did she do to you?
Bill Bailey: She put super-glue on your bird table.
Simon: We don't mention her? What did she do to you?
Bill Bailey: She put super-glue on your bird table.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Stand up a minute...
Simon: Why, what's wrong with me?
Phill: Nah, just stand up...You look like you've been drawn by children!
[Laughter]
Phill: "Here is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so here's his hair!"
Simon: That's what I was going for...
Simon: Why, what's wrong with me?
Phill: Nah, just stand up...You look like you've been drawn by children!
[Laughter]
Phill: "Here is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so here's his hair!"
Simon: That's what I was going for...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill Oddie: "Hair or Blair?"
Simon: What's that?
Bill Oddie: "Hair or Blair?" I'm trying to think up new rounds!
Simon: Very good, "Hair or Blair?". What about [simultaneously with other panellists] "Bill or Kill?"?
Simon: What's that?
Bill Oddie: "Hair or Blair?" I'm trying to think up new rounds!
Simon: Very good, "Hair or Blair?". What about [simultaneously with other panellists] "Bill or Kill?"?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Stewart Lee: Well, three has a dance music face...if there can be such a thing. Four has a guest dance vocal musicalist hair. If you put that hair and that face together, it would definitely be that one...but unfortunately they exist in separate bodies. Perhaps something could be done about that...
Simon: There he is, blaspheming again. Against God's work.
[Thunder is heard]
Simon: God is not happy with you, Stewart Lee.
Simon: There he is, blaspheming again. Against God's work.
[Thunder is heard]
Simon: God is not happy with you, Stewart Lee.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill Oddie: Stay friends with the editor, that's my advice.
Simon: Stay friends with the doctor, that's my advice.
Simon: Stay friends with the doctor, that's my advice.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Amy Winehouse, Penny Smith, Alex Pennie, Andrew Maxwell
With guests Amy Winehouse, Penny Smith, Alex Pennie, Andrew Maxwell
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. [Reading from a paper] "Officially the funniest show on TV right now. Simon Amstell is a competent and witty host, taking the viewer on a whirlwind journey of hilarious pop based comedy. Five stars"....No one's written that...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Amy's likes include Kelly Osbourne and the smell of petrol. I quite like matches, let's do lunch.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Watching a Paris Hilton video]
Simon: Overpriced, arrogant, covered in dog poo, and since that tunnel opened, any old tosser with fifty quid can get in. It's Paris!
Simon: Overpriced, arrogant, covered in dog poo, and since that tunnel opened, any old tosser with fifty quid can get in. It's Paris!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Penny: Do we know what Cliff Richard's biography is called?
Simon: Cliff Richard's biography is called - Cliff Richard: The Biography.
Alex: Oh, Christ.
Simon: Cliff Richard's biography is called - Cliff Richard: The Biography.
Alex: Oh, Christ.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks