Modern Family Quotes
Mitchell: [To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!
TV Show: Modern Family
Alex: What's Jägermeister?
Phil: Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
Phil: Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake moustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: [about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy’s hilarious.
Gloria: OK, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: Well, he doesn’t do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn’t get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he’s been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God’s sake.
[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]
Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won’t lie, it isn’t always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It’s a joke.
Gloria: I don’t get it.
Jay: Maybe that’s because there’s no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
Gloria: OK, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: Well, he doesn’t do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn’t get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he’s been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God’s sake.
[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]
Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won’t lie, it isn’t always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It’s a joke.
Gloria: I don’t get it.
Jay: Maybe that’s because there’s no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: Women in their thirties on the Internet, they’re like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil: Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.
Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.
Claire: And thank you.
Phil: Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.
Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.
Claire: And thank you.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.
Claire: You think I smother our children?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?
Claire: You think I smother our children?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: [After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.
Mitchell: You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.
Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!
Mitchell: You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.
Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria: Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
Gloria: Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
Manny: No its "I-E".
Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.
Manny: No its "I-E".
Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...
TV Show: Modern Family
Alex: [Enters the car] Hey mom-
Claire: That was 20 minutes.
Alex: Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh honey, why so sweet?
Alex: Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.
Claire: Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!
Alex: Oh my gosh!
Claire: Yeah, that's right!
Alex: Thanks mom!
Claire: Go on, have a great time!
[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]
Claire: [Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.
Claire: That was 20 minutes.
Alex: Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh honey, why so sweet?
Alex: Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.
Claire: Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!
Alex: Oh my gosh!
Claire: Yeah, that's right!
Alex: Thanks mom!
Claire: Go on, have a great time!
[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]
Claire: [Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: [After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.
Mitchell: Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: [Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!
Mitchell: Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: [Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it’s just like how some of my relatives got into this country!
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn’t like to walk. Sidenote: We’re very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.
TV Show: Modern Family
Claire: Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.
TV Show: Modern Family
Gloria: The question is, why isn’t all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!
TV Show: Modern Family
Luke: [Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you sweetheart.
Luke: So, what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: [After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you sweetheart.
Luke: So, what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: [After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."
TV Show: Modern Family
Phil: [confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.
TV Show: Modern Family
[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]
Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.
Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.
TV Show: Modern Family
Haley: Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.
[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]
Claire: Are you kidding me?
Haley: What? I am her back then when she was hot.
Claire: I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.
Alex: I bet that's the first time you heard that.
[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]
Claire: Are you kidding me?
Haley: What? I am her back then when she was hot.
Claire: I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.
Alex: I bet that's the first time you heard that.
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: [talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?
TV Show: Modern Family
Mitchell: [reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."
Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.
Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.
TV Show: Modern Family
Jay: [to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.
Phil: Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.
Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?
Phil: Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.
Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?
TV Show: Modern Family
Cameron: Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.
Mitchell: I do not!
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?
Mitchell: [mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.
Mitchell: I do not!
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?
Mitchell: [mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.
TV Show: Modern Family