Home Improvement Quotes

Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."
Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"
Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy?"
Tim: Well, that I understand.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Mark: Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)
Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!
Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Randy: Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!
Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: (about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
Karen: Yeah, right into her water bed.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.
Jill: Well, you do that all the time.
Tim: But not with other women!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [She and Tim are eating in a resturant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
Tim: Oh, and why is that, Jill?
Jill: Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
Tim: Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 72-year old steel worker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"
Jill: Not exactly, Tim.
Tim: Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?
Jill: Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

TV Show: Home Improvement
Randy: (after the play): I saw Jennifer looking at me.
Brad: She wanted to know where you bought your tights.

TV Show: Home Improvement