Friends Quotes

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

TV Show: Friends
Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] Oh my God, there's an unattractive nude man [Ugly Naked Guy] playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

TV Show: Friends
Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel: [Shocked] God!
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

TV Show: Friends
Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be — like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney?

TV Show: Friends
Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? (everyone looks at him) What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?

TV Show: Friends
Susie: Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

TV Show: Friends
[Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]
Rachel: So why don't you go talk to him?
Monica: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah!
Rachel: What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me!

TV Show: Friends
Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…

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[The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
Chandler: Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

TV Show: Friends
(a woman has just run away from Chandler because of his bracelet Joey gave him)
Chandler: He could've gotten me a hat or a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me THE WOMEN REPELLER! The eyesore from the LIBERACE HOUSE OF CRAP!
Phoebe: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you don't have to go around wearing a REJECT from the MR. T COLLECTION! (imitating Mr. T) "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do, I do!"

TV Show: Friends
Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.

TV Show: Friends
Ross Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect; Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.

TV Show: Friends
Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

TV Show: Friends
[Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]
Rachel: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

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[Phoebe got a call from a producer.]
Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!
Chandler: Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

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[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]
Joey All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

TV Show: Friends
[Chandler and his roommate Eddie are talking about their ex-girlfriends.]
Eddie: So who broke up with who?
Chandler: I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia!
Eddie: Yeah! 'Cause everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia...
Chandler: ... is not Sean Penn!

TV Show: Friends
Eddie (thinking what he's saying is a joke) I had this girlfriend, Tilly, and one morning we went to a restaurant and we got a huge stack of pancakes, and she says "Eddie," and I say "What," and she says "I don't think we should see each other anymore," and I immediately felt like she had torn out my heart and spread it all over my life. I feel like I'm going down a dark abyss and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! (laughs, Chandler looks at him funny) That wasn't funny, was it?

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Tilly: I'm Tilly. (Chandler freezes) I can tell that Eddie's spoken of me.
Chandler: Yeah, your name came up... in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

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[Chandler has just told Eddie to get out of his apartment]
Eddie: Well, that's kinda outta the blue.

TV Show: Friends
[Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her to hurry up.]
Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
Ross: Excuse me — your wind?
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ross: You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.

TV Show: Friends
Eddie: Fine! I'll go live in my brother's basement! And when he finds out I'm there, I'll go live somewhere else!

TV Show: Friends
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.
Gunther: Lemonade? You okay, man?

TV Show: Friends
Joey: [as repossesors are taking away his expensive stuff] Careful with that 3-D "Last Supper". Judas is a little loose.

TV Show: Friends
Chandler: [about Joey's glass dog] So is he trained, or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the floor? Whoa-stay! Stay! Good fake dog.

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[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

TV Show: Friends
Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old—
[Monica glares at Chandler.]
Chandler: —er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!

TV Show: Friends
(Joey and Rachel are waiting for Phoebe to get back from her father's house)
Joey: [pulling out a sandwich] Want half of my sandwich?
Rachel: What kind is it?
Joey: Ham and olive spread, no mayo.
Rachel: [sarcasticly] Right, right, 'cause mayo would make it gross.

TV Show: Friends
(a dog is trying to attack them and Joey throws his sandwich at him but he dosen't touch it)
Rachel: Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

TV Show: Friends
Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

TV Show: Friends