Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?
Nemo: Change the special.
Ray Barone: Thanks.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: We haven't had a conversation for 35 years.
Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank Barone: I wanted sex.It was a LONG time ago

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: "I'm writing the ticket!"
Frank Barone: "Fine! That's Barone, B-A-R-O-N-E, as in the man from whose loins you sprung!"

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride? that is floating Crap
Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.
Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Okay, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life...
Marie Barone: (to Frank) you better not stop breathing in your sleep

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
[pause]
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
Frank Barone: [to Marie] Hey, good-looking.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]
Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.
Marie Barone: It was an accident!
Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: I HATE THIS!
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. she broke our knife Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then a movie!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: It turns out that Ally didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!
Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?
Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.
Debra Barone: You what?
Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.
Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?
Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]
Ray Barone: I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.
Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: [after Raymond sees Debra crying all alone] Do you cry because I'm stupid?
Debra Barone: No, I eat ice cream because you are stupid.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray walks into Nemo's Restaurant.]
Ray: Health department.
[Nemo jumps up and quickly turns around. He realizes it was Raymond.]
Nemo: That' ain't funny, Raymond!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: You said you didn't know me?
Debra Barone: You were stuffing your pants with food!
Ray Barone: So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: [after making a trip to Pennsylvania] I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
Pat McDougal: [Pat and her husband Hank both smile sweetly and answer] No.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Reverend Stevens: If anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Marie Barone: I have something to say.
[All stare at Marie in horror]

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: I'm a freak!
Ray Barone: You're superfreaky!

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]
Ray Barone: [Looks at the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.
Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!
[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by.]
Frank Barone: [without stopping] That's gonna need another coat.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]
Frank Barone: [comes in] I smell pancakes!
Marie Barone: [examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?
Debra Barone: [also examining the boys] I'll never leave you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!
Frank Barone: Gimme some pancakes!
Ally Barone: [comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes, Grandpa?
Frank Barone: What the hell do you think I've been saying?

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray is watching TV with his friends Andy, Gianni and Doug (from The King Of Queens.]]
Doug Heffernan: Can I ask you guys something?
[The guys all look at Doug, as if to say "yeah".]
Doug Heffernan: When was the last time you cried?
Gianni: What do you mean? About sports?
Doug Heffernan: No, something real. I mean "really cried".
Gianni: So, nothing with sports?
Doug: No. Like last week I was watching "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids". The guy was looking for his shrunken kids and I cried because I didn't think my father would come looking for me.
Gianni: Well, it wouldn't be hard to find you.
Andy: Yeah, you just look under the cookie that's moving across the floor.
Ray Barone: No, guys. I know what he's talking about with the crying thing. The other day I dropped the twins off at pre-school and I was watching them go in, you know. And just as the door was closing, I saw Michael take Geoffrey's hand and... I don't know.
Gianni: I'm going home before you guys start making out.
Andy: Yeah, I gotta go, too. Hey, Gianni, I'll tell you my Cry Story in the car.
Gianni: Great, that'll be my throw-up story.
Ray Barone: C'mon, it's still early. Stay. What's a matter, you afraid of the dark? Are you wimps?
Gianni: Ray, you're the one who just told us you cry because you think your twins are gay.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Robert is sitting on his couch with his date.]
Robert's Date: Whoa, it's getting late. I better get going.
Robert Barone: No-no, it's not late.
[There's a knock at Robert's door.]
Robert Barone: Who the hell could that be this late at night?

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: I take my showers at 6: 35AM. You will please refrain from any and all flushing. Despite what dad thinks; it's not funny
[Robert leaves. Ray starts toying with his watch.]
Debra Barone: What you doing?
Ray Barone: Setting my alarm for 6: 35.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: And Ally's favorite video: The Little Mermaid.
Ally Barone: No, Beauty and the Beast!
Ray Barone: Right. It's the same thing.

TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond