Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: No, she didn't.
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: Why?
Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
Jeff: That's really rude.
Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
Relative: We must go on.
Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: What?
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: The hell are you talking about?
Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
Larry: The sunglasses?
Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
Jeff: You gave it to her.
Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
Larry: I don't think so. No.
Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Craig: Hi, Larry!
Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
Craig: I did not rat you out.
Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
Craig: Well, that's your problem.
Larry: What a jerk.
Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
Craig: Maybe I will.
Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Larry: Hi, how you doing?
Richard: He's my dermatologist.
Larry: Really?
Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
Larry: What?
Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
Cheryl: OK, OK.
Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Cheryl: Please.
Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[Larry and Cheryl spot a window with the view of the beach in their new house]
Cheryl: Oh my God, is that the ocean?
Larry: Eh, you get used to that in two days.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Barbara: You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!
Larry: Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?
Barbara: What?
Larry: Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Customer: I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.
Larry: Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.
[starts rocking the SUV causing the alarm to go off]
Customer: Jesus Christ.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Dana: I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?
Larry: OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."
Dana: So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: You just cost me a customer!
Richard: I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: [to Wanda Sykes] Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Wanda Sykes: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Susie: [Jeff] thinks I don't know about his porn stash! Take all this crap, he's gonna need it alone in the hotel!
Larry: He actually told me he doesn't want any of this stuff.
Susie: "Freak That Booty", "Big Ass Momma", all his favorites. Think I don't know about this crap?
[Larry looks at the cover of "Big Ass Momma"]
Susie: Oh, you're into this shit, too? You're into that kinky Big Ass Momma crap?
Larry: No! Are you crazy?
Susie: I thought you were a family man!
Larry: No, I thought I recognized that woman from the back.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Wrestling's fixed.
Thor's Kid 1: What do you mean?
Larry: All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.
Thor's Kid 2: You mean it's fake?
Larry: Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
Thor's kid 1: Dad's an actor?
Larry: That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. You tell him the bald turd said hello.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story.

TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm