Extras Quotes
Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
Andy: You're not listening to me!
Darren: It's good money.
Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Andy: Yeah.
Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Andy: Right.
Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Andy: Always do the audition!
Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren: Who?
Andy: Me!
Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Darren: But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Andy: Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Darren: Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]
Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
Andy: You're not listening to me!
Darren: It's good money.
Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Andy: Yeah.
Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Andy: Right.
Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Andy: Always do the audition!
Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren: Who?
Andy: Me!
Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Darren: But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Andy: Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Darren: Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]
TV Show: Extras
[at the audition]
Greg: Sorry... must declare an interest, actually. Me and Andy are very old friends. We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together; some of us have got a little further than others... Anyway, I won't be biased.
Casting Director: So which role are you going for?
Andy: Henry Milligan.
Greg: Hang on! Can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age thirty-six."
Andy: Yeah. I took that as meaning mid- to late thirties.
Greg: We'll change it to "late thirties." [makes a note] Hang on, can't be Henry Milligan. Says here "late thirties."
Greg: Sorry... must declare an interest, actually. Me and Andy are very old friends. We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together; some of us have got a little further than others... Anyway, I won't be biased.
Casting Director: So which role are you going for?
Andy: Henry Milligan.
Greg: Hang on! Can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age thirty-six."
Andy: Yeah. I took that as meaning mid- to late thirties.
Greg: We'll change it to "late thirties." [makes a note] Hang on, can't be Henry Milligan. Says here "late thirties."
TV Show: Extras
Michael: [approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.
Bunny: Oh, hi, George.
Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
Andy: Lunch break?
Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Andy: Oh, are you still doing that?
Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
Andy: How'd they get involved, then?
Michael: Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
Bunny: Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
Michael: Oi, I'm not that desperate.
Bunny: Cheeky bastard!
Michael: Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
Bunny: Love to.
Michael: Yeah? Cheers.
Bunny: Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
Andy: Wasn't that a bit cramped?
Bunny: Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.
Bunny: Oh, hi, George.
Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
Andy: Lunch break?
Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Andy: Oh, are you still doing that?
Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
Andy: How'd they get involved, then?
Michael: Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
Bunny: Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
Michael: Oi, I'm not that desperate.
Bunny: Cheeky bastard!
Michael: Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
Bunny: Love to.
Michael: Yeah? Cheers.
Bunny: Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
Andy: Wasn't that a bit cramped?
Bunny: Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.
TV Show: Extras
[seeing the extra his character is supposed to have slept with]
Clive Owen: Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen, that's mental!
Clive Owen: Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen, that's mental!
TV Show: Extras
Shaun: [packing after Andy has fired Darren] What about these? [pointing at some binders on the window sill]
Darren: Nothing in 'em. Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
Shaun: Kids can be cruel, eh?
Darren: Yeah. They can.
Shaun: What do they say?
Darren: You know what they say.
Shaun: What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
Darren: Yeah.
Shaun: "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
Darren: Sometimes.
Shaun: "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
Darren: I've never heard that one.
Shaun: It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings, and it's... [trails off and shakes his head]
Darren: "Sheepshagger" they've said sometimes as well.
Shaun: I thought "sheepshagger" was Welsh.
Darren: No, it can be Bristol as well.
Shaun: I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
Darren: Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery... we're famous for loads of stuff down there.
Shaun: Oh, all right.
[pause]
Darren: Bar?
Shaun: Yeah?
Darren: I could do with a hug, mate.
Shaun: Yeah. [They hug. A kid walks by, looks in the window, and shouts, "Queers!"] Ignore him.
Darren: Nothing in 'em. Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
Shaun: Kids can be cruel, eh?
Darren: Yeah. They can.
Shaun: What do they say?
Darren: You know what they say.
Shaun: What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
Darren: Yeah.
Shaun: "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
Darren: Sometimes.
Shaun: "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
Darren: I've never heard that one.
Shaun: It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings, and it's... [trails off and shakes his head]
Darren: "Sheepshagger" they've said sometimes as well.
Shaun: I thought "sheepshagger" was Welsh.
Darren: No, it can be Bristol as well.
Shaun: I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
Darren: Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery... we're famous for loads of stuff down there.
Shaun: Oh, all right.
[pause]
Darren: Bar?
Shaun: Yeah?
Darren: I could do with a hug, mate.
Shaun: Yeah. [They hug. A kid walks by, looks in the window, and shouts, "Queers!"] Ignore him.
TV Show: Extras
[at the Ivy]
Maggie: I'm not sure you should actually come here, even. This place just seems to annoy you. You always saying, "He's got an acting part" that you wanted, or, "He's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it." If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy. No matter how successful you get, you'll never be famous enough.
Andy: Thank you, Dr. Freud. Next conversation.
Maggie: [is quiet for a second, then smiles brightly] What would you rather be? A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish -- but it is a bird -- or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish...
Andy: Oh, fuck it. I can't do these stupid questions anymore. Seriously. We're grown-ups.
Maggie: I'm not sure you should actually come here, even. This place just seems to annoy you. You always saying, "He's got an acting part" that you wanted, or, "He's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it." If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy. No matter how successful you get, you'll never be famous enough.
Andy: Thank you, Dr. Freud. Next conversation.
Maggie: [is quiet for a second, then smiles brightly] What would you rather be? A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish -- but it is a bird -- or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish...
Andy: Oh, fuck it. I can't do these stupid questions anymore. Seriously. We're grown-ups.
TV Show: Extras
[after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]
Andy: Trey!
Manager: Excuse me!
Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
Greg: Guilty as charged.
Andy: Yeah... what about me?
Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
Andy: Both.
Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
[long pause]
Andy: Rich and famous. And on the telly.
Trey: Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
Andy: Yes.
Trey: Comedy panel shows?
Andy: Yup.
Greg: You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
Andy: Yes, I know how they work.
Greg: [to Trey] Emmerdale.
Trey: Oh, g
Andy: Trey!
Manager: Excuse me!
Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
Greg: Guilty as charged.
Andy: Yeah... what about me?
Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
Andy: Both.
Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
[long pause]
Andy: Rich and famous. And on the telly.
Trey: Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
Andy: Yes.
Trey: Comedy panel shows?
Andy: Yup.
Greg: You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
Andy: Yes, I know how they work.
Greg: [to Trey] Emmerdale.
Trey: Oh, g
TV Show: Extras
Amy: Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?
Andy: To your Hello wedding?
Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right?
Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up] And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think they're important, and that makes us think we're important. [Maggie sits up] If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care. They'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You are literally the gutter press. [loudly, into his microphone] And fuck you that make us this show as well. You can't wash your hands of t
Andy: To your Hello wedding?
Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right?
Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up] And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think they're important, and that makes us think we're important. [Maggie sits up] If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care. They'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You are literally the gutter press. [loudly, into his microphone] And fuck you that make us this show as well. You can't wash your hands of t
TV Show: Extras
Andy: Hi.
Maggie: Hello.
Andy: Going?
Maggie: Yeah. [Andy gets in her car] Saw you on the telly.
Andy: [laughing] Did you?
Maggie: Good.
Andy: Good.
Maggie: Where are we going?
Andy: Somewhere where no one cares who I am.
Maggie: Back to the Ivy, then? [they make faces at each other]
Andy: Seriously... somewhere where no one knows me.
[pause]
Maggie: Hollywood?
Andy: Oh, the hits keep coming!
Maggie: Hello.
Andy: Going?
Maggie: Yeah. [Andy gets in her car] Saw you on the telly.
Andy: [laughing] Did you?
Maggie: Good.
Andy: Good.
Maggie: Where are we going?
Andy: Somewhere where no one cares who I am.
Maggie: Back to the Ivy, then? [they make faces at each other]
Andy: Seriously... somewhere where no one knows me.
[pause]
Maggie: Hollywood?
Andy: Oh, the hits keep coming!
TV Show: Extras