You Can't Do That on Television Quotes

Jennifer: Which do you prefer, Christmas or birthdays?
Amy: Well, I get about the same amount of presents on Christmas and on my birthday, but the great thing about my birthday is, I don't have to buy presents for anybody else.

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Opposite skit, Mr. and Mrs. Prevert come into Christian's bedroom with presents, breakfast in bed and a TV.]
Mr. Prevert: Ta da! Wakey wakey!
Mrs. Prevert: Happy Children's Day Christian.
Christian: Wow, breakfast in bed?
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?
Christian: Wow!
Mrs. Prevert: Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.
Christian: Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.
Mr. Prevert: Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!
[The screen flips over, ending the opposites]
Mr. Prevert: Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.
Christian: What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!
Mrs. Prevert: Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!
Christian: Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--
Mrs. Prevert: (dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.
Mr. Prevert: Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)
Christian: Oh great!

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Chris is washing and waxing a car on the highway]
Karate Instructor: Wash on, wash off. Wash on, wash off.
Chris: I've seen the movie. This is going to turn me into a big karate champion right?
Karate Instructor: No! Turn you into car wash attendant!
Chris: Wait a minute. Can we stop this scene? That joke was stupid! It didn't have any punchline. Can we do it over?
Karate Instructor: No punchline?
Chris: No punchline. I already told you! What are you deaf?
Karate Instructor: [punches Chris in the face.] That was punchline!

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Chris: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television. And since today's show is about generosity, I thought I'd be real nice and generous and let someone introduce the show, so... Patrick, you're my friend.
Patrick: Oh, thank you, thank you, Chris! Oh, I don't know a more generous person than you-
[Patrick is slimed.]

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Stephanie: Ted, get OUT of here! It's my turn in the bathroom, Ted! [hits him over the head with her mirror, which breaks] BOY, you're annoying!
Ted: Ha, look, Stephanie, you broke your mirror! That's seven years bad luck!
Announcer: No, no, no, no! You think you get seven years bad luck, but this week only, during our generous summer sale, you get NOT seven, NOT fourteen, but TWENTY-ONE years bad luck!!
Ted: YES!!!

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.
Jill: [hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]
Mrs. Prevert: True.
Jill: They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!
Mr. Prevert: Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...
Mrs. Prevert: That's right.
Mr. Prevert: They never tossed nothin'.
[A car pulls up next to the Preverts'.]
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, look!
Mr. Prevert: They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?
[The Wildermeyers throw more tomatoes at Jill from off screen.]

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mr. Schidtler: (angry) All right CLASS!! I figured out who wrote that on the blackboard! You didn't think I could did you? Well I did. Amy, you have an awful lot of nerve for a little girl. What you wrote was rude, vulgar and unacceptable! You will come up here and erase that from the blackboard! (Brings Amy to the blackboard to erase a giant "THAT") And another thing young lady, you will have a six month detention!
Christian: Carlos, what's going on?
Carlos: Someone just told the teacher that "that" is a four letter word.
Mr. Schidtler: Carlos, did I hear you using a four letter word?!
Carlos: Nope. Nope. N-O-P-E. Nope.

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Jennifer: (filming the pots and pans on the stove, which are boiling over, with a video camera) And... Cue!
Mrs. Prevert: (enters the kitchen, sees the pots and pans boiling over, and shrieks) My dinner party... ruined! Jennifer, how could you?!
Jennifer: How could I what?
Mrs. Prevert: You said you would watch the pots and pans!
Jennifer: Well, yes, I was watching them. Better than that, I was videotaping them!
Mrs. Prevert: Then WHY didn't you turn them OFF?
Jennifer: Well, you said to watch the pots and pans. You said nothing about turning them off when they started to boil over. Say what you mean, Mom.

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Amy: (in bed) Mom, Dad, can I have a glass of water?
(Amy is watered.)
Mrs. Prevert: (enters bedroom carrying water glass) You know, Amy, you're a big girl, you could be doing this your-... AMY! You wet the bed again! You're supposed to be a big girl, young lady! I'm going to have to put you back into diapers!
Amy: But Mom, it wasn't me, it...
Mrs. Prevert: Now, Amy, don't lie to me. If you didn't wet this bed, who did?
Amy: Well... I don't know...
(Amy is slimed.)
Mrs. Prevert: Now look what you've done, young lady. (holds out water glass to Amy) Drink?

TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television