Monkey Business Quotes

[to his secretary, whose assets are in other areas]

Oliver Oxley: Find someone to type this.

Lois Laurel: Oh, Mr. Oxley. Can't I try again?

Oliver Oxley: No, it's very important. Better find someone to type it for you.

Movie: Monkey Business
Alky Briggs: Okay, he's in there. When he comes out, plug him.

Zeppo: What do we plug him with?

Alky Briggs: [referring to guns] Didn't I give you two "gats"?

Groucho: We had to drown the "gats", but we saved you a little black "gitten".

Movie: Monkey Business
Barnaby: [Lois is exposing a beautiful leg to show Barnaby the "new non-rip plastic stockings" he invented. Mr. Oxley enters and is startled] Miss Laurel was just showing me her acetates.

Movie: Monkey Business
Barnaby: Aw, c'mon; let's scalp him!

Little Indian: No; first, we gotta do a war dance!

Movie: Monkey Business
Barnaby: Now, Edwina, we drove all the way down here to enjoy ourselves and to pursue an important scientific experiment at the same time.

Movie: Monkey Business
Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.

Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Movie: Monkey Business
Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.

Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?

Chico: You bet.

Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.

Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Movie: Monkey Business
Gangster: Get out of that loft!

Chico: Well, better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all.

Movie: Monkey Business
Gangster: Get out of that loft!

Chico: Well, better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all.

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Gibson, First Mate: Sir, I have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.

Captain Corcoran: Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?

Gibson, First Mate: Why, they were singing "Sweet Adeline".

Movie: Monkey Business
Gibson, First Mate: Sir, I have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.

Captain Corcoran: Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?

Gibson, First Mate: Why, they were singing Sweet Adeline.

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Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?

Groucho: I'm the tailor.

Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?

Groucho: You've got 'em on.

Movie: Monkey Business
Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?

Groucho: I'm the tailor.

Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?

Groucho: You've got 'em on.

Movie: Monkey Business
Groucho: ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico: On his what?

Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?

Chico: Sure, I can vessel...
[starts whistling]

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Groucho: [emerging from a haystack] Where's all those farmer's daughters I've been hearing about for years?

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Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda; or would you rather pass out here?

Woman at Party: Sir, you have the advantage of me.

Groucho: Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.

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Groucho: I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.

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Groucho: I'm going back in the closet, where men... are empty overcoats.

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Groucho: Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
[He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]

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Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.

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Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.

Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Movie: Monkey Business
Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.

Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

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Groucho: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.

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Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

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Lois Laurel: [at her secretrial desk, responding to Barnaby's remark that she is at work early] Mr. Oxley's been complaining about my punctuation, so I'm careful to get here before nine.

Movie: Monkey Business
Lois Laurel: Mr. Oxley's been complaining about my punctuation, so I'm careful to get here before nine.

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Lucille: [talking to Groucho in the closet] What are you doing in there?

Groucho: Nothing. Come on in.
[Groucho does his famous eyebrow wiggle]

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Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.

Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Movie: Monkey Business
Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.

Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

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Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?

Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.

Movie: Monkey Business