History of the World - Part I Quotes

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bull***** artist!
Comicus: Hmmmmmm...
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bull**** last week?
Comicus: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bull**** last week?
Comicus: Yes!

Movie: History of the World - Part I
Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

Movie: History of the World - Part I
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your no entry signs! We are about to confront... guys!

Movie: History of the World - Part I
Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, I may not have lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king. [He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Executioner: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques: None.
Executioner: Have you any last request?
Jacques: None.
Executioner: Test the guillotine! [Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy ****!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request, I have a last request!
Executioner: What is your last request?
Jacques: Uh, novocaine. [the executioners confer]
Executioner: There's no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!

Movie: History of the World - Part I
Josephus: Do not fear, we are now armed with mighty joint!

Movie: History of the World - Part I
[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal.
Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!

Movie: History of the World - Part I