Histeria! Quotes

Ivar the Boneless: My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenant.
Chit Chatterson: Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!
Chit Chatterson: Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!
Ivar the Boneless: Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!
Chit Chatterson: He's fierce!
Ivar the Boneless: He's smiling!
Chit Chatterson: No he's not!
Ivar the Boneless: That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!
Chit Chatterson: No, he's thinking!
Ivar the Boneless: [sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"
Chit Chatterson: Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--
Ivar the Boneless: They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!
Chit Chatterson: I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.
Ivar the Boneless: Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"

TV Show: Histeria!
Chit Chatterson: Okay, you want something fierce?
Ivar the Boneless: Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!
Chit Chatterson: I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]
Ivar the Boneless: No, that's not a dragon.
Chit Chatterson: Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: No it's not, it's a duckie!
Chit Chatterson: Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!
Ivar the Boneless: With a beak and feathers?!
Chit Chatterson: Have you ever seen a real dragon?
Ivar the Boneless: No.
Chit Chatterson: They have beaks and feathers!
Ivar the Boneless: Not on my ship, they don't!

TV Show: Histeria!
Chit Chatterson: We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?
Ivar the Boneless: I think you're deranged.
Chit Chatterson: Whaat?!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a puppy!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!
Chit Chatterson: Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?
Ivar the Boneless: Now you're talking!
Chit Chatterson: There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]
Ivar the Boneless: Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?
Chit Chatterson: Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!
Ivar the Boneless: Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?
Chit Chatterson: Not always.
Ivar the Boneless: I think they do!
Chit Chatterson: They trim their claws!
Ivar the Boneless: What?!
Chit Chatterson: For special occasions, they trim them!
Ivar the Boneless: No they don't!
Chit Chatterson: Sure, for formal occasions!
Ivar the Boneless: Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!
Chit Chatterson: Yes it is!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a butterfly!
Chit Chatterson: No!
Ivar the Boneless: Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!
Chit Chatterson: Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.
Ivar the Boneless: There's nothing scary here at all, is there?
Chit Chatterson: Well...
Ivar the Boneless: It's like all your ship's fi

TV Show: Histeria!
Confucius: Never belch before a lady.
Froggo: Sorry! [points to Charity] I didn't know it was her turn.

TV Show: Histeria!
Bill Straitman: Hello, and greetings from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. We're here today with Hakon the Good, king of Norway during the tenth century, and one of the great Viking leaders and warriors.
Hakon the Good: Glad to be here, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Hakon's brought along some weapons to share with us.
Hakon the Good: That's right!
Bill Straitman: Now I understand that great Viking warriors such as yourself like to name their swords.
Hakon the Good: True, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Brave names like Excalibur and so on.
Hakon the Good: Yes!
Bill Straitman: Fierce names; brutal, bloody names.
Hakon the Good: That is correct!
Bill Straitman: Well, tell us, what is this one called?
Hakon the Good: Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sword! [pronounces "sword" with a loud "w" sound]
Bill Straitman: Bob?
Hakon the Good: Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!" [begins fighting with himself using the swords, falling over backwards] "Hey, get offa me!" [as Timmy] "Oh, you're askin' for it!" [grabs a nearby axe and speaks with a new voice] "Stand aside, Greta; I'll take care of these two!"
Bill Straitman: Apparently, Hakon's helmet is a touch too tight. Thank you and so long from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. AAAAHH!
H

TV Show: Histeria!
Nostradamus: Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went There was a scary man named Hitler!

TV Show: Histeria!
René Descartes: I drink, therefore I must visit the restroom. No... I wink, therefore I flirt with girls. Nooo! I sink, therefore I must take svimming lessons!

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René Descartes: [answering the door] What do you want?!
Charity Bazaar: I'm not happy.
René Descartes: Neither am I!!

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Cho-Cho: Hi mistah! Wanna buy a magazine? I've got Time and Sports Illustrated, Fortune, People, Entertainment Weekly, Highlights...
René Descartes: No! Go away!
Cho-Cho: Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the windmill this morning! Right, Lucky Bob?
Lucky Bob: Yes!

TV Show: Histeria!
Toast: Pizza's here!
René Descartes: What?
Toast: Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.
René Descartes: I didn't order any pizza!
Toast: Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.
René Descartes: That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.
Toast: Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.

TV Show: Histeria!
Aka Pella: Like, mister, are you okay?
Toast: I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.
René Descartes: Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!
Toast: Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?
René Descartes: No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!
Toast: Who's gonna pay for this pizza?
René Descartes: I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]
Toast: Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!
Loud Kiddington: What a gyp!!
Toast: Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: [about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.
Toast: Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.
Toast: Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?
Toast: Yeah.
World's Oldest Woman: Bingo!
Toast: Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!
Toast: Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?
World's Oldest Woman: Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!

TV Show: Histeria!
George Washington: [narrating] And so the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which taxed newspapers, playing cards, and all printed material imported by the colonies. The American colonists were not happy.
Charity Bazaar: We're not happy.
Pule Houser: Hey, this tax is unfair!
Froggo: We won't pay! [Redcoats surround them and cock their guns.] Unless they make us.
George Washington: Then in 1767, Parliament passed the Townend act, which taxed tea, paper, glass, and lots of other items. Now the colonists were even less happy.
[The Redcoats surround Froggo, Charity, and Pule with their guns again.]
Charity Bazaar: Now we're even less happy.

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: The place, Boston Harbor. The date, December 16, 1773. Tea time, 4 PM sharp! But does the party start on time?! Noooo!
Samuel Adams: Well, Lendall Pitts, Paul Revere, and I were running a little late.
Father Time: For guys who're gonna be called Minutemen, you'd think one of them could wear a watch!

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Froggo: Five colonists were killed by the King's Redcoats [in the Boston Massacre].
Ghost of Lead Colonist: Boy, and this made us so unhappy you wouldn't believe it!

TV Show: Histeria!
Redcoat: This is a tea party, isn't it?
Samuel Adams: Yes sir, this may be remembered as the biggest tea party in history, sir!
Redcoat: Well, it won't be remembered for its abundance of tea, will it?

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Native American #1: We would like to express our displeasure with the Colonists' choice to disguise themselves as Native Americans.
Native American #2: Their whooping and hollering perpetuates the stereotype that Native Americans are savages.
Native American #1: We are a peace-loving people who only use a war cry in battle to intimidate our enemies.
Native American #2: And when we're playing Yahtzee!
Native Americans: [in unison] YAHTZEE! [run about whooping and hollering]

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: Everyone be very, very quiet. The slightest sound could make this whole place crumble to pieces.
Miss Information: I just hope there's no truth to the curse of King Tut's tomb.
Loud Kiddington: Curse?! There's a curse?!
Miss Information: Quiet!
Loud Kiddington: What kind of a curse?!
Miss Information: Shh!
Loud Kiddington: I didn't know there was a curse!
Miss Information: Shh! The walls could collapse on all of us.
Loud Kiddington: I don't want to hear about any curse!
Fetch: I'm with him!

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: That's right! Your very first wet nurse!
Toast: Uh... what's a wet nurse?
Announcer: And now, a word from Noah Webster.
Noah Webster: Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles children not of her own.
Crowd: Eww, gross!
Toast: Intense reekage!
Charity Bazaar: I'm really not happy.
Lydia Karaoke: And I had such high hopes for this show.

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Lydia Karaoke: I'm officially writing a letter of complaint to myself!

TV Show: Histeria!
Cho-Cho: As the great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said...
Lao Tzu: A journey of a thousand miles must always begin with a single step.
[Big Fat Baby wanders to the edge of the stairs and falls down them.]
Cho-Cho: This is going to be a long trip!

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: 1766 B.C. brought with it the Shan Dynasty, which led to the use of bows, arrows, and spears.
Froggo: Spears for fighting our enemies.
Loud Kiddington: ARROWS FOR DEFENDING OUR FAMILIES!!
Pepper Mills: And bows for final touches on our snappy hairstyles! Ahahahaha! I love it!

TV Show: Histeria!
Pepper Mills: [in response to getting Benjamin Franklin's autograph] Hey, you're not Richard Gere! And what are you doing in this episode about China? That is kooky!

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: Hi gang, Pop Quiz here! We ask several historical questions for our players then act flabbergasted at their overwhelming ignorance!

TV Show: Histeria!
Lucky Bob: My friends call me Lucky Bob.
Father Time: Do you want me to call you Lucky Bob?
Lucky Bob: That would make you my friend.
Father Time: No thanks.

TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: If you're through, I'll introduce challenger #2, whose name is...
Susanna Susquahanna: [pushes her buzzer] Thuthanna Thuthquahanna.
Father Time: I thought it was Susanna Susquahanna.
Susanna Susquahanna: That'th what I thaid.
Father Time: Oh very good then. We have Bob and Thuthanna.
Susanna Susquahanna: That'th true.
Father Time: Sorry, no points for getting your own name right.

TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: [regarding Lady Godiva riding through town naked] See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! [swings back] See it!! See it!! See it!! (swings away) Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! ...and I don't wanna see it!!

TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: Lord Caesar!! Bad news!! There's a plot against your life!!
Julius Caesar: Are you sure?
Loud Kiddington: Yes, Lord Caesar!!
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): Oh, Jules... Mommy needs a little help with her toga!
Julius Caesar: Get me my chariot!
Loud Kiddington: Lord Caesar, where are you going?!
Julius Caesar: To the Senate, where else?
Loud Kiddington: But the assassins wait for you there!! It could mean certain death!!
Julius Caesar: I know, I know, yippee!
Loud Kiddington: What a nut!!

TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: Hey folks, Loud Kiddington here! And just when you thought your Stone Age life couldn't get any better, along comes... the wheel!
Fetch: It's the biggest thing since the rock!
Loud Kiddington: My dog Fetch here will eat bat guano if I don't sell you a wheel.
Fetch: Eat what?!
Loud Kiddington: Yes, the wheel! All new for 3002 B.C.!
Fetch: I'm not eatin' bat guano!
Loud Kiddington: We'll discuss it later.
Fetch: No we won't!

TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: So come on down to Sumeria and buy a wheel! 'Cause if you don't, my dog Fetch here will eat a big pile of elephant plop!
Fetch: Say what?!
Kid Chorus: [singing]Go see Loud, go see Loud, go see Loud!
Loud Kiddington: We'll see you here!
Fetch: I quit!!

TV Show: Histeria!