Bottom Quotes
Richie: Is Dave attacking that Seagull?
Eddie: Either that or he's shagging it.
Richie: No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.
Eddie: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!
Richie: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?
Eddie: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.
Eddie: Either that or he's shagging it.
Richie: No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.
Eddie: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!
Richie: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?
Eddie: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.
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Richie: Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?
Eddie: Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.
Eddie: Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.
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Eddie: Where's the bar?
Richie: There's no bar!
Eddie: WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!
Richie: Language!
Eddie: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
Richie: There's no bar!
Eddie: WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!
Richie: Language!
Eddie: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
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Richie: What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters?
Eddie: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in!
Richie: Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh Fucking Homo!
Eddie: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in!
Richie: Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh Fucking Homo!
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Richie: Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.
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Richie: Before you go say something nice.
Eddie: Breasts!
Richie: No.
Eddie: Lager!
Richie: No, something else.
Eddie: I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.
Eddie: Breasts!
Richie: No.
Eddie: Lager!
Richie: No, something else.
Eddie: I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.
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Richie: Come on Eddie think of the money!
Eddie: What? Are you getting paid?
Richie: No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
Eddie: I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
Richie: What did you say?
Eddie: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
'Richie: Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.
Eddie: What? Are you getting paid?
Richie: No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
Eddie: I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
Richie: What did you say?
Eddie: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
'Richie: Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.
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Richie: Who is that awful actor who plays you?
Eddie: Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?
Richie: Who? Chris Evans?
Eddie: Yeah.
Richie: No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.
Eddie: Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?
Richie: Who? Chris Evans?
Eddie: Yeah.
Richie: No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.
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Richie: So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery?
Eddie: No we're in Nottingham.
Richie: Same thing isn't it?
Eddie: No we're in Nottingham.
Richie: Same thing isn't it?
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Richie: It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.
Eddie: I thought you did.
Richie: It was one of my great improvisations.
Eddie: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
Richie: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
Eddie: What were you doing during the interval?
Eddie: I thought you did.
Richie: It was one of my great improvisations.
Eddie: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
Richie: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
Eddie: What were you doing during the interval?
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Richie[thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".
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Richie: 'Is it me?...'
Eddie[Interrupting Richie]: 'Yes' (Audience laughs)
Richie: 'Is it me?...'
Eddie: 'Yes, it is you' (Audience applauds)
Richie: 'Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...'
Eddie[Interrupting Richie]: 'Yes' (Audience laughs)
Richie: 'Is it me?...'
Eddie: 'Yes, it is you' (Audience applauds)
Richie: 'Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...'
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Eddie (Reading): 'Ten seconds have passed since I fatefully partook in the Elixir of Life. Feeling groggy... oh, all seems to fade. Darkness comes... and anal leakage...'
Richie (Breaking character because the line caused him to laugh): I don't remember him being that ill last night!
Richie (Breaking character because the line caused him to laugh): I don't remember him being that ill last night!
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Richie (being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire): Action!
Eddie: Weight!
Richie (enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
Eddie: Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
Richie: I could still pass for 17!
Eddie: Stones! Now wait!
Richie: No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
Eddie: No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
Richie: Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
Eddie: Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
Richie (frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!
Eddie: Weight!
Richie (enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
Eddie: Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
Richie: I could still pass for 17!
Eddie: Stones! Now wait!
Richie: No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
Eddie: No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
Richie: Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
Eddie: Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
Richie (frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!
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Eddie: And... weight.
Richie (sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
Eddie: Alright, 'fat'.
Richie: You can't put that!
Eddie: You're right. 'Very fat'.
Richie (trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
Eddie: Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.
Richie (annoyed): Let's just move on, shall we?
Eddie: Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
Richie: It doesn't say that!
Eddie (shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
Richie: Oh, so it does. Okay, next question!
Eddie: Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
Richie (sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
Eddie: Alright, 'fat'.
Richie: You can't put that!
Eddie: You're right. 'Very fat'.
Richie (trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
Eddie: Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.
Richie (annoyed): Let's just move on, shall we?
Eddie: Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
Richie: It doesn't say that!
Eddie (shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
Richie: Oh, so it does. Okay, next question!
Eddie: Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
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Richie: They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?
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Richie [after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]: You bastard! That's my wanking hand!
Eddie: Uh-uh; wanking finger.
Richie: Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.
Eddie: Uh-uh; wanking finger.
Richie: Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.
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Eddie: That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?
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Eddie: Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!
Richie: Bloody hell!
Both: That's fast!
Richie: Bloody hell!
Both: That's fast!
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Richie (as Rick from The Young Ones): Oh, really great and brilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher!
Eddie (as Vyvyan): Ahem! Have you got a video? Virgin, virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil!
Richie: ...You haven't changed your material very much, have you, Eddie?
Eddie: Stick with what works, that's my motto.
Eddie (as Vyvyan): Ahem! Have you got a video? Virgin, virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil!
Richie: ...You haven't changed your material very much, have you, Eddie?
Eddie: Stick with what works, that's my motto.
TV Show: Bottom