Mark Twain Quotes | Quotesoup

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

By Mark Twain

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

By Mark Twain

It could probably be show by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.

By Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

By Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.

By Mark Twain

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

By Mark Twain

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.

By Mark Twain

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.

By Mark Twain

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards

By Mark Twain

In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.

By Mark Twain

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

By Mark Twain

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

By Mark Twain

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

By Mark Twain

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

By Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

By Mark Twain

If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man.

By Mark Twain

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

By Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

By Mark Twain

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way

By Mark Twain

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

By Mark Twain

If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

By Mark Twain

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?

By Mark Twain

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

By Mark Twain

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

By Mark Twain

If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way.

By Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.

By Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be--a christian.

By Mark Twain

If a person offend you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.

By Mark Twain

I've never let my school interfere with my education.

By Mark Twain

I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened.

By Mark Twain