Henny Youngman Quotes

Henny Youngman Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Henny Youngman quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Henny Youngman. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.

By Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

By Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet.

By Henny Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

By Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

By Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

By Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

By Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

By Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle

By Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

By Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late

By Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.

By Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in

By Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

By Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

By Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

By Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

By Henny Youngman

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today.

By Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others

By Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

By Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

By Henny Youngman

'Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.' 'Don't answer!'

By Henny Youngman

'Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?' The doctor says, 'Limp!'

By Henny Youngman

'What's the latest dope on Wall Street?' 'My son!'

By Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. 'Since when do you wear pantyhose?' 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!'

By Henny Youngman

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, 'Do you see what's going on in Poland?' The other says, 'I live in the back, I don't see anything.'

By Henny Youngman

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

By Henny Youngman

A bum asked me, 'Give me $10 till payday.' I asked, 'When's payday?' He said, 'I don't know, you're the one who is working!'

By Henny Youngman

A bum came up to me saying, 'I haven't eaten in two days!' I said, 'You should force yourself!'

By Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

By Henny Youngman