Henny Youngman Quotes

Henny Youngman Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Henny Youngman quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Henny Youngman. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

Another bum told me, 'I haven't tasted food all week.' I told him, 'Don't worry, it still tastes the same!'

By Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, 'Huh. I lost 100 pounds!'

By Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

By Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, 'You're pregnant!' The man says, 'How does a man get pregnant?' The doctor says, 'The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....'

By Henny Youngman
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

By Henny Youngman
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

By Henny Youngman
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'

By Henny Youngman
God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!

By Henny Youngman
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

By Henny Youngman
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

By Henny Youngman
His motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

By Henny Youngman
Hollywood called me, asking me, 'How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?' '$50,000' They called back, 'How about $20,000?' I said, 'I'll pay it!'

By Henny Youngman
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

By Henny Youngman
I asked a Jewish man, 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said, 'Yes', and walked away.

By Henny Youngman
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?'

By Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

By Henny Youngman
I came home, the car was in the dining room. 'How did you get the car in here?' 'Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.'

By Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, 'Which way do I go?' But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

By Henny Youngman
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

By Henny Youngman
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

By Henny Youngman
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

By Henny Youngman
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

By Henny Youngman
I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

By Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

By Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

By Henny Youngman
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

By Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

By Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

By Henny Youngman
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

By Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'

By Henny Youngman